beandelphiki

The one area where I tend to be just a bit too oversensitive is my work.

I use the term "work" broadly, since the meaning varies depending on my circumstances. But regardless of where I'm working, or what I'm working at, I want to be the best. I want to be the fastest, the most accurate, the smartest, the one who's always one step ahead, the one who thinks of EVERYTHING. I want to be the one who appears almost magical. I want to be invaluable. I want to be the genius.

Naturally, of course, this isn't possible in the real world most of the time.

So failing the above, I want to be AT LEAST as good as everyone else. And to make up for the rest, I'm sure to put in the longest hours. If nothing else, I'll be breathing air in work space more than anyone else.

So when I pick up even the SLIGHTEST vibe that someone thinks I'm not as good an employee in some area I've worked hard to master, I get rather down. (Understand that this doesn't apply to areas that I generally don't cover/haven't been trained in, because that's silly. The kitchen, for example, is one area where I will defer to many other people, because I was never properly trained there.)

Sometimes I think I'm picking up those vibes.

( I can read way too much into things sometimes )

( Update about meds again - I'm recording this stuff so I don't forget what happens, you understand )


Off to FREAK OUT over the assignment my (practicum) editor gave me.

In theory, my deadline is the end of practicum (that's what she told me...that Thursday, anyway), but I SO do not want to take that long on this story...I want it done, like, TOMORROW. I have one interview done, and I need to talk to this other guy, a counselor.

She insists I call this guy - can't be anyone else - and he's in Edmonton. She thinks I can reach him through the government toll-free 310-0000 service. Turns out, he's not in his office often, I've missed him a couple of times, I can't use the 310-0000 service because it doesn't recognize his number as existing in the Edmonton directory...! ....aaaand part of the reason I've missed him is that I have major anxiety like whoa over this call and put it off too long every day I mean to call.

I mean, like sit-in-front-of-the-phone-and-meltdown kind of anxiety. Feel-sick-for-the-entire-day anxiety. Panic and shake and can't breathe and all that really FUN shit. The Dex and/or energy drinks almost don't help because they increase my pulse rate even MORE, which makes things worse.

I've always been bad/panicked with the phone, and felt nervous over whether my assignments are going to be good enough, and on and on... But this nonsense is CRAZY. My editor sent me a "what's up?" email this afternoon, and I don't know what to tell her. I'm thinking I will PRAY I grab this guy TOMORROW, hopefully in the morning. Get the interview OVER WITH, pound that shit out, tell my editor the story is on its way over the wire. TOMORROW, please god.

I can't deal with not being able to deal! The whole phone thing was getting SO much better with practice for my stories, and now it's getting worse again. And blanking when I try to write stuff, not being able to get a sense of the story's feel, and thinking it's going to be crap...that's worse, too. I'm also worse in replying to emails because I keep thinking my RESPONSE will suck. In a lousy email.

I don't think this is the meds. It was getting worse the whole time I was between Rit and Dex, too.

I may be in trouble with practicum because of waiver form crap, so I could flunk that just because I didn't have the paperwork in order in time. My editor was in the east the week the gave us forms. I emailed it to her, along with the fax number they gave us LAST semester, but not this semester. (Yay for ADHD-packrat skillz, I still had that in my inbox..I hope it was okay to give her, because there was literally NO WAY I could get that form between us in person.) I haven't heard from Walter that she's sent it back, so I haven't signed my half. NOW WHAT? Practicum started Monday!

I'm flunking two classes right now.

If I flunk out, I lose all financial support I have going on right now, and will be stuck maybe trying to get two jobs to pay room/board, and afford any school that will take me.

I'm in such deep shit at the moment.

Why am I such a screw-up?