beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (smarter than you)
The one area where I tend to be just a bit too oversensitive is my work.

I use the term "work" broadly, since the meaning varies depending on my circumstances. But regardless of where I'm working, or what I'm working at, I want to be the best. I want to be the fastest, the most accurate, the smartest, the one who's always one step ahead, the one who thinks of EVERYTHING. I want to be the one who appears almost magical. I want to be invaluable. I want to be the genius.

Naturally, of course, this isn't possible in the real world most of the time.

So failing the above, I want to be AT LEAST as good as everyone else. And to make up for the rest, I'm sure to put in the longest hours. If nothing else, I'll be breathing air in work space more than anyone else.

So when I pick up even the SLIGHTEST vibe that someone thinks I'm not as good an employee in some area I've worked hard to master, I get rather down. (Understand that this doesn't apply to areas that I generally don't cover/haven't been trained in, because that's silly. The kitchen, for example, is one area where I will defer to many other people, because I was never properly trained there.)

Sometimes I think I'm picking up those vibes.

I can read way too much into things sometimes )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (aaah!)
...*sighs*

I don't know if it's because I didn't take drugs for more than 24 hours, or because I slept WAY, WAY too much last night and yesterday (apparently to make up for the previous two nights of little sleep and subsequent threatening cold), or if it's because I'm undoubtedly low on iron this week...

...But I am completely exhausted. Ugh. My joints are sore now, and I only got up two hours ago...but I can't think straight (even after finally taking meds), and I just want to go back to bed. Puke, kill me.


What's really uncool about this is that I'd promised myself these two weeks were going to be for cleaning my room. My boss gave me two weeks off (in preparation for the amount of hours I'm going to be working this summer, as we'll be short-staffed again), so I figured I'd use most of that time to get cleaned up and organized.

Because I'm a compulsive hoarder.

And I'm not just saying that - I'm an Oprah/Dr. Phil/Internet-E-bay-lady compulsive hoarder. Just with less room to hoard IN. So the crap in my room is basically chest-high all over, and covering every surface except my bed (which has just enough clear room for me to sleep).

But now it's THURSDAY of the second week. I have four days left (possibly more depending on my upcoming schedule, but I'll say four to be safe), and I've done nearly nothing. Got one bag of trash out and a few books that weren't mine downstairs. That's about it.

It feels like I'm in school again, with one of those Big Projects I could never get done, watching the deadline approach with dread.

And I hate it.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (*sigh*)
Update about meds again - I'm recording this stuff so I don't forget what happens, you understand )


Off to FREAK OUT over the assignment my (practicum) editor gave me.

In theory, my deadline is the end of practicum (that's what she told me...that Thursday, anyway), but I SO do not want to take that long on this story...I want it done, like, TOMORROW. I have one interview done, and I need to talk to this other guy, a counselor.

She insists I call this guy - can't be anyone else - and he's in Edmonton. She thinks I can reach him through the government toll-free 310-0000 service. Turns out, he's not in his office often, I've missed him a couple of times, I can't use the 310-0000 service because it doesn't recognize his number as existing in the Edmonton directory...! ....aaaand part of the reason I've missed him is that I have major anxiety like whoa over this call and put it off too long every day I mean to call.

I mean, like sit-in-front-of-the-phone-and-meltdown kind of anxiety. Feel-sick-for-the-entire-day anxiety. Panic and shake and can't breathe and all that really FUN shit. The Dex and/or energy drinks almost don't help because they increase my pulse rate even MORE, which makes things worse.

I've always been bad/panicked with the phone, and felt nervous over whether my assignments are going to be good enough, and on and on... But this nonsense is CRAZY. My editor sent me a "what's up?" email this afternoon, and I don't know what to tell her. I'm thinking I will PRAY I grab this guy TOMORROW, hopefully in the morning. Get the interview OVER WITH, pound that shit out, tell my editor the story is on its way over the wire. TOMORROW, please god.

I can't deal with not being able to deal! The whole phone thing was getting SO much better with practice for my stories, and now it's getting worse again. And blanking when I try to write stuff, not being able to get a sense of the story's feel, and thinking it's going to be crap...that's worse, too. I'm also worse in replying to emails because I keep thinking my RESPONSE will suck. In a lousy email.

I don't think this is the meds. It was getting worse the whole time I was between Rit and Dex, too.

I may be in trouble with practicum because of waiver form crap, so I could flunk that just because I didn't have the paperwork in order in time. My editor was in the east the week the gave us forms. I emailed it to her, along with the fax number they gave us LAST semester, but not this semester. (Yay for ADHD-packrat skillz, I still had that in my inbox..I hope it was okay to give her, because there was literally NO WAY I could get that form between us in person.) I haven't heard from Walter that she's sent it back, so I haven't signed my half. NOW WHAT? Practicum started Monday!

I'm flunking two classes right now.

If I flunk out, I lose all financial support I have going on right now, and will be stuck maybe trying to get two jobs to pay room/board, and afford any school that will take me.

I'm in such deep shit at the moment.

Why am I such a screw-up?
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
*cracks knuckles* Assessment, part deux.


One of the themes that came up when I was talking with Dr. Y is the sort of underlying person I am. She said that what she was hearing from me - over and over - as I described my symptoms, my childhood and my coping strategies was that I'm quite the anal, perfectionistic, slightly-OCD, "IF IT'S NOT PERFECT, I REFUSE TO DO IT, RAAAWR!" kind of person. (She noted how often I recheck, to the point that it nearly obscures some of my less troublesome symptoms.)

Which is true, I am that sort of person. Although I've managed to hide my perfectionism well, obviously. While my old preschool report cards note how quickly I got frustrated and started tantruming if something wasn't exactly right, by third grade I was "careless" and simply "resistant" to doing work. Not anal, and not concerned about getting it right.

(Despite the fact that I was generally a kid who wanted to be liked, not a kid who wanted to piss people off, my report cards sound more like I was bratty and defiant than inattentive. CAN do the work, but WON'T, willful, stubborn, resistant, avoidant "despite ability," refuses, tiresome...struggle, battle, fight, etc.)

I once joked to my mother that I am a "closet perfectionist." Her response was to say, "WAY deep in the closet!" She knows perfectly well, of course, how I reacted to failure as a kid (the tantruming continued longer at home, I think). But I long ago perfected my, "What, me, worry?"

All of this, Dr. Y says, is ANXIETY based. I don't really have OCD, or an anxiety disorder, but I'm an ANXIOUS person.

Double-you-tee-EFF, mate? )

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