beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([DW] never give in and NEVER give up)
I struggle.

I fail. A lot.

I break promises. Say I will. Don't.

And I lie. About the failures, the promises, what I can, what I can't, where I was and what I'll be.

Somehow, I don't think of myself as a liar. My whole life is a lie, but me? I'm honest. As honest as someone can be who never tells the truth.

I'm bone-tired of it.

Don't like the failures, my broken word, all the lies and all the people I let down. I let everybody down. Every day, in some way big or small, I let someone down. Every day.

I don't have many friends. I used to have dozens of people I'd have called a friend. Dozens of people to spend time with. I don't now. People gather, and I leave.

I think it's better that way.

This would all be easier if I truly believed anything would ever change or feel less impossible. I think I could tackle each day a little better if I thought that at some point in the near future, every twenty-four hours would no longer be Everest.

Doing my laundry is exhausting, and if I could make that into a unit to measure things with, every day seems to have more loads of laundry than I could ever wash in a week.

I don't understand other people. Every day makes me want to cry, just a little.

Not because I'm sad, really. Because I'm tired. Why is life so tiring? Does it ever, ever end? Because I don't think it does.

That's the kind of thing that makes you wonder why you're still trying, then.

It's like this:

Someone once asked me on an anonymous comment meme to explain why I identify with both Dr. Gregory House and the Doctor. An understandable question, since they're so different. I meant to answer -

- I always mean to -

- but I couldn't explain why.

Last night, I thought, Look: They both run away.

And: But I want to stay.

So this is where I live:

I struggle.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (aaah!)
Bad News: I don't remember chemistry.

I mean, it's been four years since I did any of this stuff, and I quite seriously do not recall ANY of this. I discovered last night that I don't really even remember how to balance equations. *FACEPALM* Although at least THAT's gradually coming back to me as I look over chem help websites.

Ugly News: There's no way I'm even going to pass my prelab. None.

As hideous as it is to contemplate having to do this for the FIRST wet lab, I think I will skip it, catch up on some missed math homework instead (I hear we have a quiz today), and contact the instructor as per the course outline to ask for make-up work. Claim I was awake all weekend (I was, actually), and that I slept in (I did, actually, since I was planning to get up in the wee hours and figure this crap out, and I didn't wake up until 6:15 because I forgot to set an alarm, ARGH). And that it will NEVER, EVER happen again, really.

(I hope and pray. *dies* Why, oh why, does this lab have to be at 8 am?)

Then I'm going to go find some tutors (electronic or otherwise) and I'm going to spend ALL AFTERNOON (since I have no classes) on REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW so that I'm not sitting in front of my lab manual next week looking at it going, "What's a mol again?"

I got a 98% in chemistry once. It HAS to all be in my brain SOMEWHERE, I just need to nudge it out.

Good News:


Um. I look really, really awesome in a pristine, white, knee-length lab coat. If I do say so myself.

Yeah, that's not a lot of good, but there had to be SOMETHING.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([DW] Midnight)
I rolled over onto my geeky specs glasses waking up this morning, and snapped them clean through in two places.

Holy shit.

So I'm back wearing my old glasses. Guess I'll have to see the optometrist about getting the frames on the old ones replaced. (The lenses, at least, are both okay.)

More than the cost of the replacement frames ($1500, urk - why no, I didn't have to pay tuition this year, why do you ask?), I'm worried that I won't be able to get the same frames again. Because I really did adore those frames. But they're designer frames, and I got them last year, so they'll be out of season or whatever...

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([Calvin] - yikes!)
Ugh. Just finished my comprehensive Geography midterm.

Unweighted, my mark in this course is a bare pass. (I didn't do so hot on the first quiz.) Properly weighted, it's about a 75%. But this last midterm? Is worth 25% of my mark. And I DEFINITELY just bombed it. Had to leave an entire page of short-answer questions blank, for god's sake. I didn't have a clue.

I studied for this stupid thing for FOUR HOURS. I checked the course syllabus online before I began studying, and since it didn't specify the material, I assumed it was for all the chapters we've completed thus far (five in total). So I managed to get through the first three in detail and skimmed the last two, thinking that I was at least guaranteed to pass.

And the test was on the fourth and fifth chapters. Everything I DIDN'T study. Fifty multiple-choice questions and 34 marks worth of short answer, and there were maybe 10 questions that didn't sound like gobbledigook.

So I just found my hard copy of the syllabus, and the midterm material is penned in on it - they forgot to include that information on the syllabus originally, and I wrote it down the first class and forgot all about it.

I'm just...really mad at myself. For the hit my already suffering grade will take, for my stupid oversight, for the wasted time I spent studying material I didn't need to. By the time the final rolls around, I bet I'll have forgotten it.

It stings that between all the classes I've missed due to being ill recently, my weak grades and my general tendency to be late to everything (including, most likely, my own future funeral), I KNOW my instructor thinks I'm a worthless slacker. I made it into class today as he was starting to pass out the bubble sheets (FAR from the last one there, maybe two minutes after the official start of class), and I didn't miss the faintly annoyed expression he made at my mere appearance. People who came in afterward got smiles.

I'm the annoying one. AGAIN.

I'm really, really hating this class.

WHAT made me think that this school year would be any different? All I do is fuck up.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (oops.)
Aaaand I was so exhausted this morning that I passed out AGAIN, and woke up only half an hour from the start time of my second class (which is now, at 12:30) AGAIN.

It's actually sort of funny at this moment.

At least since those two classes were my ONLY classes today, I can safely claim the bullshit excuse of a problem with my class schedule. ("I was admitted the last week of August, so I had difficulty registering for my classes, and...")

Which I will be doing when I get there, since my second class should not actually be over then. (Well, assuming the teacher doesn't cut things short, which they might the first day. If that happens, I guess I will have track them down before the next class on Tuesday.)

My math instructor I will try to catch before the 8:00 class starts tomorrow.

And I will of course apologize PROFUSELY to both of them. With any luck, I won't get booted from the classes, especially the math.

(Actually, I just checked, and there's still one space LEFT in the class; so assuming that's not automatically me, I should be good. Apparently, no one wants to take an 8:00 a.m. calculus course. GEE WONDER WHY.)

I'm trying to have a sense of humour about this (with the determined thought that this will NOT happen tomorrow, dammit). I will go to school: try to apologize to the instructor if I can find him/her; get myself the rest of my books, a locker and a campus card; see if I can see someone in Advising... Heck, maybe I'll see if I can find a tech who will see about getting my MRC email to open.

And then roll on Friday morning.


...But oh my GOD, I am such a fuckup.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (jesus...)
I just woke up.

It's 7:30. It'll take me about an hour to get to school. I looked this all up really carefully last night.

...My first class starts at 8:00.


Words cannot describe how upset I am right now.


Aug. 21st, 2008 01:39 am
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (aaah!)

To all the various people I owe stuff to: OH MY GOD, I AM SO, SO SORRY. It's...really late at this point, I know.

The past two days I've done basically nothing meaningful except post a couple of dumb comments to lj. I pretty much slept ALL of Monday, Monday night, most of Tuesday, and last night. It was simply stupid. Every time I got up I'd think I'd start on my MASSIVE to-do list, starting with answering emails, and then...I'd get woozy and pass out somewhere. I've done a lot of sleeping on the floor. Mustang (that's my cat, the one that's in love with me) is thrilled, he's gotten to sleep snuggled up to me quite a bit recently.

At least I finally figured out what was happening late last night TMI follows )

So I showered, dug out my old glasses to wear, scrambled into some clothes and went to work. Got to listen to people telling me all day, "Wow, did you not sleep last night? You look like you're going to fall over." THANKS BUNCHES, PEOPLE. My eyes still have that gritty feeling to them, as if I haven't spent most of the past 48 hours of my days off passed out on my face. WTF? It's totally bizarre, when you think about it...when I was in withdrawal from Dexedrine, I felt like this for two weeks, which doesn't seem like it should be possible. But that's the human body for you; makes up it's own rules, it does.

So...yeah. "Bad day," doesn't quite cover it here. More like one of those days where you wonder why you got up at all.

But I've got laundry going, discs burning, and I'm in the process of answering email. If I owe you something which can be sent via the internet, you should have it within a few hours, as I'm working on it RIGHT NOW. If, gimme a couple of more days.

Apologies again! I really feel terrible you guys, I'm sorry.

Edit: Whoo, add "HTML fail" to the list.


beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)

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