Nov. 26th, 2008 07:40 am
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (make it stop)
Ugh. I'm coughing my brains out right now, complete with gooey grossness.

"That's stupid," I keep informing my body. "You didn't catch a cold. Your lung collapsed. Not the same thing at all. Why are you acting like this is a cold?"

Apparently gaining a hole in your lung lets all the viruses in or something. I suppose that might make sense.

But yuck, what a pain.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (FUCK.)
I started to get that tell-tale cramping pain in my chest an hour ago...

But on the RIGHT side this time. Oh, lord.

It got so intense that I laid down on the floor wrapped around a bunched-up afghan, hoping that if I stayed scrunched, my lung wouldn't pop. It hurt so badly to breathe that I ended up gasping in these little high-pitched pants, and my cats all ended up in an anxious semi-circle around my head again, Pidwidgeon (our new[ish] kitten - er, more on her later) intently standing guard over my asthma inhalers when I'd managed to get them out of my bag. It would have been cuter if I wasn't in so much pain.

(I took 'em both. Don't know if it did any good, but I'm a bit recovered now. It still hurts to breathe, though.)

I'm scared, but not scared enough to wake Mom up. Especially now that it's died down. But I'm not sure if I can go to bed, because what'll happen when I lie down again?


Edit: Ooh, if I move too much, I get this weird, ooky feeling. Like something rippling under my skin. I was thinking at first that was muscle, but now I'm wondering if it's air in a body cavity? Is that possible, if it's escaped my lungs?

Either way, FUCK. It hurts, too.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (sleep is good)
Ugh. I'm home sick. Stuffed up and tired and coughing and MISERABLE. I also missed a quiz in calc AGAIN - thank god that's only 6.7% of my total mark, but still. Damn.

...I'm not so sick though, that I can't eat cheese and crackers. So I am. Because Mom bought good cheese again - the usual, like smoked gouda and dill havarti, as well as some new ones. There's a mango-flavoured fruit cheese, and a jalanpeño-flavoured Monterey Jack. (I gather that one's popular, but I've never had it before.) She didn't get brie, though. I think she's bored with it or something. *pouts slightly* The havarti's our new brie.

So I tested the latter and had some (very soft, hmm) dill havarti. And boy, does the jalapeño one have BITE to it. But then, that's how I like a lot of my food these days. With teeth. (Thanks, Taco Time...)

To date, I have not found better cheese crackers than these two:

Kraft Stoned Wheat Thins

Slightly salty and not too dry or soft. They have enough flavour to be good on their own, but they really work best with cheese or meat toppings. They're quite sturdy and don't easily crumble.

Cristie's Original Baked Wheat Thins

Again, excellent on their own. Actually, they're slightly sweet and quite addictive on their own. They don't overwhelm the flavour of the cheese you put on them (even quite mild cheeses), and they crack more than they crumble. But they are both small and thin, and not very sturdy. So they work best with little bite-sized toppings.

If you guys have favourite snack crackers, feel free to share! I'm in this, "let's share random favourite things," mood.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (jesus...)
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...I honestly think the fact that someone would even ask this question is sick. I live in a country with a universal health care system: a system which is currently under attack from critics who think we would do better to just make health care a free market (or at least put some services on the market - like expensive surgeries), and I'm TERRIFIED this will happen.

Don't get me wrong, Canada's health care system is in huge crisis right now. But that doesn't scare me anywhere NEAR as much as the proposed alternatives, where only the rich could afford to see a doctor.

And some of the people who are pushing this the hardest are here in the redneck west, Alberta. Alberta is RICH right now, and yet, the government is somehow failing to put enough money back into health care to keep the system from its rapidly speeding demise. The numbers and news stories just get scarier: more than half the family doctors in Calgary have plans to close their practices within the next few years because of the soaring overhead costs, and hospitals (according to one news story I read some months back) are considering lining the hallways with beds because they don't have enough rooms. (For all I know, they might already have started doing so.) The big story in previous months has been the fact that pregnant women were being turned away from hospitals in droves for lack of beds and being told to seek midwives - a service many, many women can't afford.

It's ALREADY a privilege to have a doctor in Calgary; not necessarily because you can't personally afford it, but because the health care system is so pressed for money that the equipment, space, doctors and nurses simply aren't there.

(Disappointingly - and bitterly so - there is also no real effort being made to increase the number of available spaces in most of Canada's programs of medical study. Many Canadian premed students end up in foreign universities, then foreign residencies, and never make it home to practice. On top of all the doctors fleeing the system here, we are losing an untold number of potential FUTURE doctors.)

So the solution is apparently to put it all on the market and let the health practitioners make up the difference by charging people an arm and a leg to get off the months-long waiting lists for any kind of specialty help.

And if you can't afford it, well, you could be on those lists for much, much longer.

But hey, every Albertan got a $400 cheque last year! Not nearly enough to cover many health care costs for ANYONE directly, but at least everybody got the same amount! That's fair, yeah?

It's just not just.

Which reminds me, I finished all those Globalization readings yesterday (finally!), and I read something from a Scientific American article in my coursepack that made me cry:

According to the estimates of the U.N. Millennium Project, all it would take to lift every single person on the African continent who is currently living in extreme poverty (extreme poverty being defined as making less than $1 a day and being unable to afford the basic necessities of life - including basic health care, ahem) out of it is 0.5% of the combined GNP of donor countries.


Also, Americans (this being an American publication, there were no numbers for Canadians) generally see foreign aid as, "throwing money away," because they think quite a bit of money is going towards foreign aid, and don't see anything happening.

Yet when polled as to the amount of money they believe is being spent on foreign aid, Americans overestimate the amount by as much as 30 times.

...Just something to mull over.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (aaah!)
Been largely AWOL the past little while due to catching some STUPID virus which left me near death (or felt like it). Am finally returning to the land of the living.

...Well, technically, I was ready to return to the land of the living yesterday except for the part where I felt like I was absolutely made of LEAD. I tried calling in sick yesterday, and my boss told me she had no one to take my place, so I went in. Turns out there was another supervisor on SPARE (not even technically "off"), but because she's a lazy fucking bum, Boss Lady didn't bother to call her. *sulks a bit* So I spent the day letting the wall hold me up.

Oh, and hilariously, when I got to work, my boss wanted to know where my, "bug bite" was. Because when I first called in, I told her that I'd been bitten by some bug, i.e. caught a virus. But she took me literally and thought I'd ACTUALLY been bit by a poisonous spider or something. So she wanted to see the war wound.

Silly Boss Lady! (Although I admit to briefly entertaining Spiderman fantasies there.)

Aaaand, I've concluded that my attempt to go back to school is officially CURSED. I DID get into Mount Royal's BSc program, THANK GOD.

But...I can't register for my classes. Some glitch in the system says they think I haven't been admitted yet. I have the goddamn acceptance letter, but the system won't recognize me. My sister? Had no trouble registering.

So guess where I'm going now? *sighs*

Cursed, I tell you. I'm fucking cursed.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (aaah!)
Another one for the, "the universe hates me," file:

The last school I applied to was Mount Royal College. Not my first choice, but the U of C fell through over a bunch of red tape. Mount Royal was nearly the same deal - they needed change-of-name forms that I'd long since lost all my copies of - but since Mount Royal's deadlines are so much more relaxed than the U of C's, I was able to get them a copy before the deadline for transcripts (which was August 1).

I personally hand-delivered that copy to the Registrar's Office on July 29. At the time, the woman who took the form told me they would now be able to start processing my application. Which I took to mean, "We now have all your documents."

Apparently NOT. Despite the fact that it was only 3 days from the deadline and she had my records open in front of her at the time, the woman I spoke to did not bother to tell me that they hadn't received my SAIT transcripts yet.

So for the past two weeks and some, I've been merrily going along thinking my application was being processed, and waiting to hear yay or nay.

I was starting to get concerned though, and when my sister received HER acceptance letter to their General Studies program (something which, incidentally, I can only WISH I had taken when I was able) on Tuesday, I thought WTF is the delay, it's mid-August!

So I logged on to MyMRC, and it tells me that I'm missing documents.

It just gets worse )

Long story short: never trust the administrative staff at a post-secondary institution to do anything right. And I mean, NEVER. You'd THINK I'd have learned that lesson by now, but no.

I should have logged in to MyMRC a while back and double-checked stuff. I should have contacted SAIT when I didn't get an official receipt by the last week of July. So many things to kick MYSELF for now, too, besides being annoyed that SAIT screwed up so badly.

I really hope there is still room in Mount Royal's BSc program. I will just CRY at this point if I don't get in, and I'm stuck working for another year.

So NOTHING I meant to do yesterday got done, and I passed out in exhaustion when I got home, so nothing got done then, either. I'm still incredibly tired, so I guess I'm going back to bed. I'm so sorry to the people I owe various things; I will work on them when I get home from work tonight.

Ooh, and also? While I'm complaining? The insides of my ears itch SO BAD right now, but if I take a 12-hour allergy pill NOW, it will be wearing off during dinner tonight. Which would be BAD, especially if I end up on rail making the food. So I need to wait a few hours. Which, ARGH. The itching is driving me NUTS.



beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (make it stop)
First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I'm sorry I haven't told you all how much I appreciate it.

I'm not consciously aware of being upset about my coworker, but I HAVE been avoiding my own journal like the plague all this week. I know I get avoidant like that when I'm upset or anxious, though. It's a bad habit I should really try to break.

(Well, that, and I've been snapping at my mother a lot. Inexplicably, every single thing she's said or done this week has irritated me. I should apologize.)

My boss is now coming in to work! She talked to everyone she could on Sunday about it. She also gave me a few of the details I was missing:

-Apparently, BD was NOT just drinking. She also had taken Ecstasy that the Edo boys gave her. (Something I gather has broken my boss's heart, as BD had ALWAYS promised her to take no other street drugs besides pot.) This, combined with the alcohol, stopped her heart. The paramedics got her heart going again, but it was stopped for too long. Hence why she was in a deep coma when they got it going again, and was never able to wake up.

-Apparently the paramedic was wrong that she was all alone. The Edo boys were apparently responsible for calling 9-1-1. And they did it when she started to say she had a HORRIBLE headache (after which one of them disappeared, but he was trying to get her a glass of water), not when she collapsed. GO THEM for realizing so quickly that it was serious, even if it didn't save her.

(Maybe they stayed back when the paramedics came, since they apparently gave her the E? Or - hell - maybe the paramedic didn't even realize that this white girl was with a bunch of Asian guys? I have no idea.)

-My boss says that BD's last words to her were, "I'm going to dance all night and go to the pancake breakfast in the morning, so you don't need to stay up for me. 'Night, love you Mom." ...That's good. It's good when last words are, "I love you," and I think you could practically count on BD for that.

My boss seems to be doing remarkably well, actually. Another of my coworkers who's been around our Taco Time about twice as long as I have (i.e. 6 years or so) asked me if I was around when her father died. I said no, and he said that she was essentially non-functional for a month. We all expected this would be even worse.

Instead, she seems to be handling things...okay. She's working again, anyway. (The memorial service was in B.C. on Saturday, so we didn't see her until Sunday, but she's been back in since she could be.) The same coworker said that she's become very...Zen...about her life in general the past year or so, and that he thinks that's REALLY helping her.

I'm just hoping this is true and she doesn't crash horribly later on. She seems calm enough to find solace in the idea that her daughter's death might be a lesson and a message to some of her hard-partying friends.


One of my four cats, Callisto, has been off their kitty kibble lately. Actually, they all have; but now that it's not so hot the other three are eating just fine, so we think they were just too hot earlier.

Callisto, however, still wasn't eating by yesterday morning. And my mom and my sister observed something very alarming; our resident fatboy has a WAIST. And no tummy. He's lost THAT MUCH weight. We've had him on prescription diet food since he was a kitten, and he's never had a waist. So Mom took him to the vet's.

...Turns out, he has liver disease.

The vet told Mom he was quite jaundiced. It's hard to see in cats (Mom says the vet showed her how to check by pulling their eyes open wide or peeling the sides of their mouths open), but I still feel terrible for not noticing. At least now we know how to regularly check that in all of our cats.

Apparently though, if the vets can get him stable, this is something which is fairly common in cats and can be managed. So we're crossing our fingers. He spent the night at the vet's for treatment, and when Mom called this morning he was doing better...if not great. (At least he made it through the night!) We might go visit him later today, as the vet said we could.

I hope my kitty will be okay. I really, really don't want to lose another cat.


Personal health stuff )

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (chess)
Still sick. In fact, my boss sent me home today after I'd only been at work for an hour and a half.

Of course, I did say that I'd like to go home when she asked me, and I think for both Boss Lady and the Boss's Daughter that's become some sort of sign of the approaching apocalypse. As in, I very rarely ask to go home sick, so in their minds, "Dan asking to go home" = "OMG DAN IS DYING!!!11one!"

Actually, B.D. practically pushed me out the door despite the fact that she had no voice today (due to staying up all night at a late karaoke bar). That makes me feel terribly guilty for grumping to other people today that I'm, "sick of her shit," when we heard she'd been up all night and we figured she'd just ask to go home from the word go. (I hope nobody tells her about my grouching, or the Greek tragedy tomorrow will be EPIC.)

In honest truth I'm not dying, and I could have gone to bed earlier myself last night. (Okay, I stayed up a bit to watch Doctor Who.) But I just felt like CRAP today. Mushy inside and horribly sore all over from the endless, endless coughing.

So I came home and sat in front of the television and marathoned Torchwood ALL DAY (which I hadn't gotten around to watching yet), and my god, it felt so good to just. STOP. And relax for the day. Up to the seventh episode of the first series now, and really liking the show in a, "Yay, mindless entertainment!" sort of way.

I think I really needed that extra time off, and didn't realize it.

Really starting to worry about this cough, though )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (FUCK.)
I have the flu. Either that, or a truly nasty cold, but I'm pretty sure at this point that it's the goddamned flu. Which my ever-loving sister has given to everyone in a ten-mile radius of her. Thanks, sis. My boss didn't need me this weekend, really!

I hate the incessant coughing, but what's REALLY hard to take is the muscle pain and weakness. Fuck, even all my JOINTS hurt. And naturally, anything that hurt BEFORE now hurts even WORSE, so my back and wrists are driving me nuts.

*pathetic sniffle*

*goes to curl up with tea and Doctor Who*
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (*stress*)
Slight TMI follows, and comments are screened:

Very first gynecology exam in two days )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (black lung)
I can't find my corticosteroid inhaler! I don't know how I misplaced a red controller inhaler, but I did.

I've been sleeping on the couch the past few nights due to the aforementioned bug in my room (yes, I know I'm a wimp, shut up), and all my various medications are in my room. Not such a big deal with things like my Dexedrine, my Claritin and stuff like Advil and Tums (if I need them), because I have some of that in my backpack. My controller inhaler though, I don't carry on me. Why would I? I only take it in the mornings.

(Supposedly I should take it at night too, but I haven't noticed a need for the second daily dose.)

I decided not to worry about it, because my asthma hasn't been as bad this summer. Definitely a mistake. I've been waking up in the middle of the night coughing and gasping. It obviously subsides because I go back to sleep, but I think that's proof that my asthma (dormant for the latter half of my adolescence) is NOT under control anymore without the controller inhaler my doctor wants me off of so badly.

So today I went into my room to look for it, and uh. Can't find it. Greaaat. At least I have an appointment for a full physical on the 17th. If I haven't found it by then, I'll ask for a prescription. Or maybe there's even refills at the pharmacy? I should check.

In the meantime, not only is my asthma being a pain, but my left lung hurts like HELL on and off. It's done that ever since my lung first collapsed. I don't know why - I've Googled a ton, but it's hard to find information on SPs to start with, let alone long-term pain following them. I've seen other people complain about it on other boards, so I know it's not just me, but plenty of doctors have apparently INSISTED to their SP patients that chronic pain never results from a lung collapse. No reason for that to be possible, or somesuch.

And on "ask a doctor" type boards, I've seen M.D.s post to just that effect as well: It can't be what you claim it is, so you're imagining it, or it's something else entirely and you've got your body parts confused.

Helpful, huh?

So far, the few theories actual doctors have put forth seem to be:

-a collapse which has never healed for some reason (??)
-nerve damage of some sort (???)
-probably something I'm forgetting

...And Mom and I have speculated about some sort of scar tissue. I really don't know, but I DO know that steroids help a LOT with reducing the pain - my rescue inhaler does not. (Actually, I can count on the steroids to control the pain a lot faster than I can count on them to control my asthma!)

So. I hope I find my controller soon. Because, well, I just don't like my chest hurting, y'know? It slows me down at work. More importantly, I get to be incredibly nervous about having an asthma attack - which are always more severe when the only medication you're using is a rescue.

Dude. I go through this at least once an allergy season, it seems.

I need one of these!

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (aaah!)
So guess who just lost one of the screws holding his glasses together?


So I get to call in tomorrow and tell my boss that I'll be in late because I can't fucking SEE, and need to go get my ancient frames a new screw. Which is hopefully possible. (And sometime soon, new glasses! Because this is the third or so time I've lost that screw - although I found it before, obviously, but I've had less luck this time - and this is just getting ridiculous.)

Not that I might not have called in anyway, because my allergies are kicking my ass so badly that my right eye keeps trying to swell shut. Ow.

At least Livejournal lets me increase the font size of almost everything except the sidebar links; although the viewing scheme which was supposed to be entirely sight-impaired accessible - XColibur - is no longer officially available.

(Nice, eh? Good work, designer monkeys! Hard-code the text size of the navigation functions! Morons.)

I also turned on the Magnifier from XP's Accessibility folder. I normally only use Magnifier to view stuff that's been scanned in too small, though, so I'm having issues getting used to it.

It's not as easy to use when you actually NEED it for some reason, and can't see well enough to easily double-check what you're doing.


However, watching my own gigantic line of type appear across the top of the screen is actually pretty cool, like I'm watching a futuristic movie of my own life where the director closes in dramatically on the lines of code our hacker hero types.

I think I'll try writing smut like this, just for the amusement value of watching dirty words an inch high scribble rapidly across the screen.

Yes, in fact, I am twelve.

So...I was going to get a lot of catching up on lj posts done today, but I might not get all caught up on stuff, as this goes a bit slower than usual. (Apologies, of course, for any errors.)

Hello to everybody on my friends list, anyway! *waves*

Who here hasn't read any Octavia Butler? Because you should. Just sayin'. *goes back to holding Bloodchild two inches from his nose while he waits for a page to load*
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (hurt my shoulder)
My "To-Do" list for the start of this week is mostly completed, w00t. Soup's put away, dishes are soaking, I even cleaned out the microwave a good bit before I sat down to eat. (It's not spotless, but it needed to be cleaned, so every bit helps. I'll maybe get the rotation plate later.) Library books are renewed, a tape is in the VCR for House, my uniform is in the dryer. Whee!

Oh, and I need to feed the cats in twenty. Just remembered that. *adds*

(I figured I might try making use of lj's to-do feature, since I'm on here so much. I also have a to-do on my Google home page, but I haven't been using that because it's too simplistic. The one thing I dislike about this one is you can't cross things off. Crossing things off is the most satisfying part of to-do lists!)

For my doctor's visit tomorrow, I have to decide what to discuss, because it won't be the longest visit.

List of ongoing medical stuff )

Meh. And I have an even longer list than this, too. It feels like all I'm doing these days is existing between doctor's visits. That's no way to be going about things, but I'm not sure what else I could be doing differently.

I'm pleased, however, with my increased ability to get the smaller stuff done these days. I have some bigger projects I need to start planning to approach.

Ho hum.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (life is a puzzle)
This is a continuation of my last post, which was just some lengthy backstory about an episode of pelvic ouchiness I experienced some years back.

I meant to write up this stupid second part days and days ago, but of course it didn't happen. I had half of it done and sitting around on my computer unfinished, and then I was always either too busy or too tired.

I feel like whatever was driving me to write this down has run out of steam, but I suppose I should finish it anyway.

Because I think someday I will actually want to remember all these pointless details - plenty of TMI follows )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (shoes)
I've had a personal health/body issue on my mind for a few days now, and I keep feeling drawn to getting it down in some format - on paper, on Livejournal, whatever. It concerns a subject I really haven't written much about in my lj before...or, in fact, in any journal I've ever had.

I don't think most FtMs like to say much of anything about menstruation. In actual fact, I'm not particularly shy about it, or bothered by the mere fact that I experience it. (Although it is annoying, and occasionally a challenge when you use men's washrooms.) But I don't at all like calling any attention to it.

It's long been a habit of mine to mostly avoid even mentioning anything exclusively pertinent to being born with a female body; somehow, I believe it'll be easier for other people to think of me as male if I simply play Let's Pretend (I Was Born With A Penis); the reality is that the people who can already mentally juggle the fact that I'm male with the fact that I have a female body are not ever the ones who are fazed by mention of my anatomy or what it does.

So this is the start of what's been on my mind; it's the background story, basically. Probably not deeply interesting to anyone but me. I was going to tap out an outline of what happened, and instead THIS came out, and I realized this story is something I need to get out in some level of detail, or it'll continue to pull on my ear. So.

Further proof that some careless child somewhere has a doll that looks like me )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (*stress*)
I've been out of school for more than a week now due to a nasty cold my oh-so-loving sister passed on to me. FUN! Of course this has to happen on my make-up semester, right? I'm just praying I can catch up on the stuff I missed.

(Our computer recently kicked the bucket too, so I haven't had a lot of opportunity to get online. Luckily, Nicole - that's my sis, for the uninitiated - has a new boytoy friend, Steven, who lent us a computer to use for a while. Which is how I'm online now.)

I managed to get into the school Friday to cover the Open House 2007 and Skills City I signed up to cover a few weeks back. Friday was also production day, so that's a bit of a crunch, but I figured I'd do better covering and writing a story on the same day it went into the paper than I would getting a week or so to dick around and NOT write a story.

Barkley says of managing ADHD - bring the task and the reward/consequences closer together. So that's what I did.

I MUSTA bin crazy!

I don't know if anything could have driven me more nuts than sitting in the Mac lab listening to my instructors/editors harp that they were waiting "for copy." Yes, I'm AWARE that you're waiting for copy! I'm WRITING the copy; nagging doesn't get it done faster, especially when you add MORE copy for me to write! (A hole on the back page ended up requiring them to ask me to write 100-120 words about the photos on the I didn't take, and knew next-to-nothing about, mind.)

The worst thing EVER for my working state of mind is people agitating in my ear that they would like my work done TEN MINUTES AGO, plzkthanx.


Then, over the weekend, I got sick, sicker, sickest!

TMI follows. No, seriously )

After all that, I was fearful to try eating dinner this evening, but the fish I had seems to be staying down, and the wheezing seems to be gone, or at least has quieted way down. On the "boo" side, my ears are very plugged. Boo. But, failing a developing ear infection, I seem to be mostly over this.

Oh, and since I'm NOT at work, I at least get to watch House, M.D. in person tonight; this is the first Tuesday I've been scheduled in a LONG while, and I was sad that I would have to tape it and possibly even risk missing it if the tape malfunctioned. But I'm home, so...

Oooooh, American Idol just started!

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (shoes)
Bah! I meant, as I said, to get back to people's comments and such either Sunday or Monday. Naturally, there was then storming in my area! At one point on Sunday, the mall I work at was apparently trying to EVACUATE people! WTF?! I don't know if that was related to the ongoing storm at all or not, but I find it pretty funny that nobody in the food court heard the apparently urgent warnings going on over the loudspeaker, thanks to the usual din.

Okay, so...I went and got that ultrasound done this morning. We were nearly late (badbadbad, they only JUST squeezed me in because of the cancer concern) because I fell asleep last night without turning on my alarm (and had to have Mom practically drag me out of bed) and then spent a good part of the morning Googling breast ultrasounds because it occurred to us a bit late to wonder if it was okay for me to eat, take caffeine pills (because I'm on med holiday today), etc.

We decided it was okay for me to eat something small, so I did...but several sites said, "Do not put any lotions or powders on your breasts." Mom figured that would also apply to armpits, so I shouldn't put on deodorant, either. So I shaved instead, which I haven't done in, um, a while...I seem to remember that your skin needs to get used to the whole shaving deal, and I think I have the butchered armpits to prove it. Owwwwie!

But we were on time. They called me by my birth name when they called me in, which was pretty much inevitable...since although the forms SAY "Daniel," they also say I'm getting a breast ultrasound and teh_boobies = female. I'd geared myself up to say, "Dan, actually," but didn't. I never do.

(Oh, and the tech who did my exam also kept gently calling me, "sweetheart," but I didn't mind that so much as find it terribly amusing.)

Details, details )

So, a largely painless experience. I was told by the nice tech lady, "Your doctor should receive these results in one to two work days." *snorts* Since Dr. H only works Tuesdays and Fridays, I won't hear anything for a bit.

Something very disturbing happened when I got home, whole chest started to hurt, but mostly around my right breast, and ESPECIALLY around the upper-outer section and my armpit. It was to the point that I was unable to lift my arm, and getting waves of nausea.

Thankfully, it seems to have eased off. I had a bad night last night - I kept waking up because lying on my right side hurt - and I'm thinking this may have been the source of pain. (I was assuming it was my lungs again.) I'm pretty worried about how serious this might be.

I discovered when I pressed around the area that poking it hurt a LOT...but a check by touch and with the aid of mirror found no swelling, so hopefully that's a good sign.

Aaaand, it's better now. So I guess I'll just wait and see. Until whatever-this-is is diagnosed, I don't know what else I could do.

In the meantime, though, I REALLY need to stop writing. I AM SO OBSESSIVE, I SWEAR. I promised myself when I started writing this in Word at noon or so that I would make it short to save my poor, pained arm/chest.

Instead, I have typed out the whole damn thing, one bloody sentence at a time. ( I'm insane. But I got the whole pointless story down, go me!

And in better news...I misplaced my rescue inhaler yesterday, but found it again today. Whew! ...Okay, so maybe it's not good news that my asthma is acting up enough that I fretted over not being able to find the Ventolin for 24 hours, but finding it...that was good!

Going to go have ice cream. Will get back to stuff again later, when I've had some rest.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (um...)
Note: This is actually an entry from THURSDAY. I've been trying to get this posted, but it's long and I have to get up early in the mornings - I'm working a lot of 10-hour+ days at the moment - and it took longer than I thought it would to write.

*takes deep breath* So, as messages in my inbox have noted, I haven't been on in, like, forever.

Also, my mother informed me today over lunch - we went out to buy me clothes for work, we have to wear "Western"-style stuff for Stampede - that there have been a lot of calls from "California" showing up on our call display lately. (*koff*) She'd know because she checks messages. It's lovely when she remembers to tell me these things.

Oh and she's also puzzled by calls from a "Jennifer," but I know that's my Dad, calling from his girlfriend's place. (She doesn't know about the girlfriend, or that Dad's moved in with her.) I bailed on him for Father's Day, and he hasn't heard from me since.

And I think [ profile] lytheris tried to call me a while back...? But I don't remember.

Yeah. I've been hard to reach.

Something I've noticed is that my posting tendencies seem to fluctuate in inverse proportion to how intense my life is at the moment, emotionally speaking. So if my life is boring and same-old, I'm on more.

And if it's blowing my mind from stress, I disappear from the online world. The worse it is, the more places I disappear from. The past several weeks, I pretty much haven't been on at ALL, anywhere. And people can't reach me offline either, unless they work or live with me.

So yeah, I'm a little upset/worked up right now.

I've also been taking over other people's shifts at work (a supervisor moved cities, and two people took weeks off), being trained for supervisor, FINALLY (to replace the one that left), and been pretty sick and tired in both literal senses. (Tired: I'm taking med holidays from my Dex on my days off work, but that has the end result of a productive-productive-productive-productive-productive-withdrawalOMGTIRED pattern each week, and I usually sleep 18 hours or so on my days off.)

But mostly, I've been avoiding the 'net. Instead, I've actually been watching TV (which I never do) and catching up on House, M.D. episodes because it's my engaging new fandom that

a) is attention-grabbing enough to completely distract me, and
b) has the benefit of being pointlessly reassuring on the subject I am most distressed about; namely, medical concerns.

See, I'm a teensy weensy bit worried that I have breast cancer.

I know, I know, I'm way too young. WAAAY too young. Way, WAAAAY too young. Like, ten years, at least! Heck, more like twenty, in fact! Which I suspect is why it's taken me months to get my doctor to take me seriously. *MASSIVE FRET*

I don't really mind if it's not breast cancer - really! I'll take feeling slightly foolish in GOOD stride if it's not. I just want to know what's wrong. I want to know why the underside of my right breast has a texture which my doctor helpfully described as "almost peau d’orange."

It's not cancer if they say 'almost,' right? )

So I'm getting tested in SOME fashion - my ultrasound is on Tuesday - and I shall see what comes of that.

In the meantime, though, I'm a bit lost as to what to do. Should I do a ton of research, try to find out what it might be? Whenever I do a search on the skin thing I come up with inflammatory breast cancer, but that doesn't quite seem to fit. (Mainly because IBC seems to be marked by noticeable swelling, warmth and redness that looks like an infection and which doesn't go away.) It might be smart to have a clue - if I'd had more clue the first time, I might have mentioned the skin changes sooner.

But I also do not want to freak myself out totally.

BUT, I do want to have some time to prepare myself mentally. In case it's not something benign. I've been trying to decide what scares or upsets me the most about the "remote" (my doc kept using that word in reference to the odds!) chance that it's actually cancer - that I won't have really finished or accomplished something if I die young? That even if I don't die, it'll totally screw up my life for at least a year or two? That if I need chemo, my hair might not grow back in so fabulously Harry Potter? That if I do die, they're probably going to inscribe, "hopeless SLOB!" on my gravestone over the state of my bedroom?

No, right now, I think my biggest fear is that I'll cry if I get told that. I hate crying in front of people with a passion, and given what I've already managed to get through (abuse of various types, growing up ADHD, suicidal depression, coming out as transsexual, that kind of thing), I'd like to think that I could pull this off with some dignity.

But I'm guessing maybe not. Since when was I known for stoic calm and grace under fire?


Anyway. I need to go to bed because it's (eep) 2 am, and I'm up earlier than usual tomorrow. But tomorrow is a short day (Sunday!), and I'm off work on Monday this week, so I will try to catch up with people Monday at the latest, if not tomorrow night.

I pray I haven't misspelled much in this longer-than-a-day-in-hell entry, because I REALLY am too tired to proofread.

'Nite, all.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (caffeine)
I finally changed my comments page back! It was actually really easy to do; I feel like an idiot. But I'm so annoyed that in the FAQ, there's a question like, "How do I change what my comment page looks like?" And the answer is basically, "If you're Free you can't change it, if you're Paid and using the S2 system you can." But no actual explanation of how to do it. No hint. That's excellent.

I really thought I might make it to school today, but now I'm thinking not. I have this chest infection that's at the point of coming up in chunks, as well as the most incredible stabbing head pains. Oh, and did I mention that my lungs are also acting up? My arms, chest and back are burning from lack of oxygen on TOP of being really congested. Wheeze. Waah.

I guess I'll just email assignments in, and drop stuff off...tomorrow?

Great, when I get back on Monday, I'll have three days to come up with something for the Weekly because I've been sick the ENTIRE week. *sigh*

I'm thinking if I try really super hard to get stuff done today, I may even have a - *gasp* - FREE DAY Saturday. Insane! I've been getting more stuff done lately. I'm not sure if it's the Dex, or the fact that being sick and tired - literally - makes it easier to focus on something boring, because nothing else is fun, anyway? I'm actually thinking the latter.

I'm also thinking (from what happened when I tried it) that you shouldn't take Dexedrine if you're sick. I think that might be why, even though I was taking the same amount as when I was well, I spent my supposedly-medicated hours trembling from head to toe and watching our rather LARGE computer screen wave gently in and out of my line of sight. Uh. No meds until fully healthy again!

Oh, but did I mention I lost like, eight pounds on Dexedrine the last three weeks? YES, I DID, HAHAHA. About five in one week, and then shaving off after that. I don't know, is that an okay weight loss speed? I feel okay about it, and I think it's stopped now.

I feel so incredibly HAPPY, I can see some bones again! I used to doze some mornings on my back, and rest the palm of my hand on my pelvic bone and tuck my fingers in the inside hollow. It's just one of my favourite "comfort" positions, don't know why. And then I gained a few... Not a lot, but a few. And stopped sleeping like that.

I didn't even realize it until I rolled onto my back some morning last week, and dropped my hand on my pelvic bone, and went, "Oh yeah!" *grins*

*coughhack* Okay, I should just go and try and get some homework over with. And maybe try to nap a bit. Or sit over the toilet and hope I choke something nasty up so I can get this over with. (Mom says she's had this illness too for THREE WEEKS. Oh please no.)

Something I found on a Google search today:

Caffeine increases the acidity in your gastrointestinal tract and can cause rectal itching.

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Me)
I'm going to get sick. I just KNOW I'm going to get sick soon.

I've been very lucky thus far; it's already the middle of November, and I haven't gotten sick once this year. But it WILL inevitably happen, and it's bound to happen sometime very soon. Like, this week. Or the next. Why? Well, because our show goes up this week, that's why! Don't ask silly questions!

I'm just feeling pressured by the pace, I guess. The other night, I was discussing my skin problems with my mom. (It's not that gross, I swear!) I've got stress-induced skin problems, and I've been breaking out in light rashes lately. Nothing too major, and they seem to clear up on their own, but it mystified me. Even last year, when I had a TON of classes to take for what I missed out on when I dropped out, I wasn't getting rashes. Crazy.

My mom said it might be physical stress, not just mental stress. She must be right. I am feeling strung out, so to speak. The long hours, combined with all the major projects we have do (and the group projects I'm working on I'm mainly doing by MYSELF because I always get stuck with a group of slackers) are just killing me.

Not to mention that I'm not getting more than 5 hours sleep a night, and I need 9 to REALLY be normal (as opposed to faking it.)

I'm not in class right now because we have a guest speaker, and I know I'd just be fighting sleep all class, anyway.

Nothing to do but take stupid quizzes and wait for call, ho hum.

I don't want to get sick. Please don't let me get sick.


beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)

April 2009

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