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beandelphikiThis is my...what...fifth day on Dex? I think?
I think it helps some, but a bit in that sense that a fire hose can put out a fire or kill somebody, depending on where you direct it. Well, you KNOW what I mean. I have slightly increased ability to do shit, and an AMAZING ability to focus intensely on the most inane crap. Jeez.
Also, witness: totally flat stomach. Serious shrinkage in the love-handle area, where I was finally actually putting on some of that so-called "Freshman Fifteen." (Is it still a freshman fifteen if you've been out of high school for four years? Yeah, I don't think so.)
Also: Slightly dizzy. Slight headache. I believe I've come really close to discovering that it IS possible to puke from lack of food.
I never had any idea if Ritalin was affecting my appetite, because I swing between not being able to eat and eating way too much anyway. But even if I can't make myself eat for most of the day, I'm usually hungry enough at night.
The difference I'm seeing with Dex is that I'm not even hungry at night. Whee. I'm going to have to handle this carefully. I've definitely given up lighter breakfasts in the morning, because if I can only graze until dinner, buttered toast just ain't enough.
Off to FREAK OUT over the assignment my (practicum) editor gave me.
In theory, my deadline is the end of practicum (that's what she told me...that Thursday, anyway), but I SO do not want to take that long on this story...I want it done, like, TOMORROW. I have one interview done, and I need to talk to this other guy, a counselor.
She insists I call this guy - can't be anyone else - and he's in Edmonton. She thinks I can reach him through the government toll-free 310-0000 service. Turns out, he's not in his office often, I've missed him a couple of times, I can't use the 310-0000 service because it doesn't recognize his number as existing in the Edmonton directory...! ....aaaand part of the reason I've missed him is that I have major anxiety like whoa over this call and put it off too long every day I mean to call.
I mean, like sit-in-front-of-the-phone-and-meltdown kind of anxiety. Feel-sick-for-the-entire-day anxiety. Panic and shake and can't breathe and all that really FUN shit. The Dex and/or energy drinks almost don't help because they increase my pulse rate even MORE, which makes things worse.
I've always been bad/panicked with the phone, and felt nervous over whether my assignments are going to be good enough, and on and on... But this nonsense is CRAZY. My editor sent me a "what's up?" email this afternoon, and I don't know what to tell her. I'm thinking I will PRAY I grab this guy TOMORROW, hopefully in the morning. Get the interview OVER WITH, pound that shit out, tell my editor the story is on its way over the wire. TOMORROW, please god.
I can't deal with not being able to deal! The whole phone thing was getting SO much better with practice for my stories, and now it's getting worse again. And blanking when I try to write stuff, not being able to get a sense of the story's feel, and thinking it's going to be crap...that's worse, too. I'm also worse in replying to emails because I keep thinking my RESPONSE will suck. In a lousy email.
I don't think this is the meds. It was getting worse the whole time I was between Rit and Dex, too.
I may be in trouble with practicum because of waiver form crap, so I could flunk that just because I didn't have the paperwork in order in time. My editor was in the east the week the gave us forms. I emailed it to her, along with the fax number they gave us LAST semester, but not this semester. (Yay for ADHD-packrat skillz, I still had that in my inbox..I hope it was okay to give her, because there was literally NO WAY I could get that form between us in person.) I haven't heard from Walter that she's sent it back, so I haven't signed my half. NOW WHAT? Practicum started Monday!
I'm flunking two classes right now.
If I flunk out, I lose all financial support I have going on right now, and will be stuck maybe trying to get two jobs to pay room/board, and afford any school that will take me.
I'm in such deep shit at the moment.
Why am I such a screw-up?
I think it helps some, but a bit in that sense that a fire hose can put out a fire or kill somebody, depending on where you direct it. Well, you KNOW what I mean. I have slightly increased ability to do shit, and an AMAZING ability to focus intensely on the most inane crap. Jeez.
Also, witness: totally flat stomach. Serious shrinkage in the love-handle area, where I was finally actually putting on some of that so-called "Freshman Fifteen." (Is it still a freshman fifteen if you've been out of high school for four years? Yeah, I don't think so.)
Also: Slightly dizzy. Slight headache. I believe I've come really close to discovering that it IS possible to puke from lack of food.
I never had any idea if Ritalin was affecting my appetite, because I swing between not being able to eat and eating way too much anyway. But even if I can't make myself eat for most of the day, I'm usually hungry enough at night.
The difference I'm seeing with Dex is that I'm not even hungry at night. Whee. I'm going to have to handle this carefully. I've definitely given up lighter breakfasts in the morning, because if I can only graze until dinner, buttered toast just ain't enough.
Off to FREAK OUT over the assignment my (practicum) editor gave me.
In theory, my deadline is the end of practicum (that's what she told me...that Thursday, anyway), but I SO do not want to take that long on this story...I want it done, like, TOMORROW. I have one interview done, and I need to talk to this other guy, a counselor.
She insists I call this guy - can't be anyone else - and he's in Edmonton. She thinks I can reach him through the government toll-free 310-0000 service. Turns out, he's not in his office often, I've missed him a couple of times, I can't use the 310-0000 service because it doesn't recognize his number as existing in the Edmonton directory...! ....aaaand part of the reason I've missed him is that I have major anxiety like whoa over this call and put it off too long every day I mean to call.
I mean, like sit-in-front-of-the-phone-and-meltdown kind of anxiety. Feel-sick-for-the-entire-day anxiety. Panic and shake and can't breathe and all that really FUN shit. The Dex and/or energy drinks almost don't help because they increase my pulse rate even MORE, which makes things worse.
I've always been bad/panicked with the phone, and felt nervous over whether my assignments are going to be good enough, and on and on... But this nonsense is CRAZY. My editor sent me a "what's up?" email this afternoon, and I don't know what to tell her. I'm thinking I will PRAY I grab this guy TOMORROW, hopefully in the morning. Get the interview OVER WITH, pound that shit out, tell my editor the story is on its way over the wire. TOMORROW, please god.
I can't deal with not being able to deal! The whole phone thing was getting SO much better with practice for my stories, and now it's getting worse again. And blanking when I try to write stuff, not being able to get a sense of the story's feel, and thinking it's going to be crap...that's worse, too. I'm also worse in replying to emails because I keep thinking my RESPONSE will suck. In a lousy email.
I don't think this is the meds. It was getting worse the whole time I was between Rit and Dex, too.
I may be in trouble with practicum because of waiver form crap, so I could flunk that just because I didn't have the paperwork in order in time. My editor was in the east the week the gave us forms. I emailed it to her, along with the fax number they gave us LAST semester, but not this semester. (Yay for ADHD-packrat skillz, I still had that in my inbox..I hope it was okay to give her, because there was literally NO WAY I could get that form between us in person.) I haven't heard from Walter that she's sent it back, so I haven't signed my half. NOW WHAT? Practicum started Monday!
I'm flunking two classes right now.
If I flunk out, I lose all financial support I have going on right now, and will be stuck maybe trying to get two jobs to pay room/board, and afford any school that will take me.
I'm in such deep shit at the moment.
Why am I such a screw-up?
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-09 06:56 pm (UTC)and don't worry about the practicm sheet, my practicum boss only got back into Calgary today, and Richard doesn't seem to mind that it is late. as long as it gets in before April it should be fine.
so don't worry, big SMILES! BIIIIIGGGGG SMILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOT!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-09 11:42 pm (UTC)Thank you for the good thoughts, too. I keep telling myself that it's not the end of the world to take an extra year in college. It's like...my family overachieves a bit, you know? Not finishing in the usual amount of time or less is a real black sheep move. Oh well.
And hey, everybody does the dead-end job thing, or is in debt some time in their lives. We're both gonna work it out.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts....
Ackkk!
Date: 2006-03-09 11:27 pm (UTC)I PROMISE I've been there. If there's ANYTHING you can do to take some time and just sit in a dark room and breathe deeply, it'll help. And... I don't know your exact situation, but is there any way you could A) drop a class or B) speak with a prof about your situation/needing an extension of some kind? Because extreme stress just makes it all worse.
*more hugs*
Re: Ackkk!
Date: 2006-03-09 11:50 pm (UTC)The school situation though...no, I can't drop a class. The program's pretty structured, so I need everything. And I'm too far into the semester anyway. I seriously doubt the extension thing too, and I don't know if I'd want to ask for it. Journalism is about deadlines, you know?
I mean, I was REALLY sick last year for about two weeks, and when I got back, one instructor told me I had a descriptive feature story due Monday. (It was a Friday.) I told him I worked both Saturday and Sunday, and he said, "Good luck." And I mean...that was the "easiest" instructor we have. So no...not seeing extensions.
But they do seem to be really nice about allowing people back extra semesters to finish. Like
I think if I went to them at the end of the semester and said, "Hey look, I know I flunked 2 courses, but I have a long history of being a good student, and I just got overwhelmed with school AND my job, AND some medical issues..." they would probably let me go back again.