beandelphiki

Okay, so I'm in serious trouble here.

Why?

I've been frantically trying to get a hold of "John Smith," - okay, his first name is Mike, this is going to get messy - the AADAC guy my editor wants so bad for days. Actually, I've been trying to reach him for weeks, but I managed to put aside a lot of my phone terror, and have been sort of spamming him.

This morning, someone from AADAC called. And got me out of bed slightly earlier than I expected to be up - imagine a confusing swirl of my mom yelling and pounding on my door, my set-early-to-actually-get-my-butt-up alarm blaring at top volume, and my covers flying everywhere as I struggled to get free of them and figure out what on earth was GOING ON. I just knew that I needed to answer the phone, and I was still nine-tenths asleep - enough that I actually jumped out of my loft bed from the ceiling.

(I can't imagine what this AADAC woman thought of the crashing and yelling on the other end of the line.)

She asked if I wanted to talk to someone at AADAC. Um, YES? I told her that my editor insisted it HAD to be this Mike guy. She assured me that she'd get him to call me.

He did, around 1:15. We determined that I couldn't talk to him, because he works with ADULTS, and I'm writing about youth to very young adults. Oh, my good LORD. But he gave me a bunch of Canadian gaming journals and surveys to check, and the name for a guy he said works in the right area...Keith.

I called Keith at 2:00 after I hung up on Mike, and got his voicemail, left an urgent message.

At 4:00, he called me. Told me that he, "doesn't work in communications any longer," so he can't talk. YOU'RE SHITTING ME. He gave me the number for "Melissa," who works in communications. Said she'll be in until 4:30.

I immediately call Melissa. 4:06. Voicemail. JESUS.

Finally, at 4:38, I call her again - maybe I'll catch her before she leaves. I do! Guess what?



...


She's the woman who called this morning.

*dies a slow, horrible death* I could tell by her silence on the line after she pointed that out that she was a little peeved. I awkwardly commented that we could have saved time. More silence.

She told me she'll call me as soon as she can with information I need. Whew. And I plan to apologize and say that I would have spoken with her earlier had I known that I'd been given bad information (that Mike was the person to talk to), but I was trying to do what my editor wanted.

I cannot believe this day.

I've been sending updates to my editor, too. She hasn't replied - either she hasn't checked her email, or she can't believe it, either.

( Update about meds again - I'm recording this stuff so I don't forget what happens, you understand )


Off to FREAK OUT over the assignment my (practicum) editor gave me.

In theory, my deadline is the end of practicum (that's what she told me...that Thursday, anyway), but I SO do not want to take that long on this story...I want it done, like, TOMORROW. I have one interview done, and I need to talk to this other guy, a counselor.

She insists I call this guy - can't be anyone else - and he's in Edmonton. She thinks I can reach him through the government toll-free 310-0000 service. Turns out, he's not in his office often, I've missed him a couple of times, I can't use the 310-0000 service because it doesn't recognize his number as existing in the Edmonton directory...! ....aaaand part of the reason I've missed him is that I have major anxiety like whoa over this call and put it off too long every day I mean to call.

I mean, like sit-in-front-of-the-phone-and-meltdown kind of anxiety. Feel-sick-for-the-entire-day anxiety. Panic and shake and can't breathe and all that really FUN shit. The Dex and/or energy drinks almost don't help because they increase my pulse rate even MORE, which makes things worse.

I've always been bad/panicked with the phone, and felt nervous over whether my assignments are going to be good enough, and on and on... But this nonsense is CRAZY. My editor sent me a "what's up?" email this afternoon, and I don't know what to tell her. I'm thinking I will PRAY I grab this guy TOMORROW, hopefully in the morning. Get the interview OVER WITH, pound that shit out, tell my editor the story is on its way over the wire. TOMORROW, please god.

I can't deal with not being able to deal! The whole phone thing was getting SO much better with practice for my stories, and now it's getting worse again. And blanking when I try to write stuff, not being able to get a sense of the story's feel, and thinking it's going to be crap...that's worse, too. I'm also worse in replying to emails because I keep thinking my RESPONSE will suck. In a lousy email.

I don't think this is the meds. It was getting worse the whole time I was between Rit and Dex, too.

I may be in trouble with practicum because of waiver form crap, so I could flunk that just because I didn't have the paperwork in order in time. My editor was in the east the week the gave us forms. I emailed it to her, along with the fax number they gave us LAST semester, but not this semester. (Yay for ADHD-packrat skillz, I still had that in my inbox..I hope it was okay to give her, because there was literally NO WAY I could get that form between us in person.) I haven't heard from Walter that she's sent it back, so I haven't signed my half. NOW WHAT? Practicum started Monday!

I'm flunking two classes right now.

If I flunk out, I lose all financial support I have going on right now, and will be stuck maybe trying to get two jobs to pay room/board, and afford any school that will take me.

I'm in such deep shit at the moment.

Why am I such a screw-up?