beandelphiki

I'm sitting in a computer lab right now taking notes off a PowerPoint (oh god, horribly behind AGAIN - how does this HAPPEN??!), and I'm listening to the sound of typing happening all around me, and I had to stop to type myself. I don't really have anything TO type as of yet, but I felt the very desperate NEED to type something. So I am.

I think this, more than anything, demonstrates that typing has become my primary mode of written expression. Years ago, I would have been more likely to be typing and would have felt the desperate need to write something down by hand. Now I am so much more comfortable typing; I can nearly keep up with the flow of my thoughts this way, which is something I could never, ever manage to accomplish when writing by hand. My graphic motor skills are just too weak for me ever to print with any speed, and I cannot write in cursive at all.

(I don't know if this is good or bad for my RSI, since both typing and writing aggravate it. It's just something I'll have to deal with as I go along, but I think at this point typing is actually the better option because I'm more relaxed at it...AS LONG AS my workstation is physically suitable, and I take breaks.)

So by the time I get to a class which is very heavy on hand-written notes (i.e. med school, if that EVER happens, which I am doubting more and more each day), I am going to NEED a notebook computer to take notes on, or I'll never keep up.

Feeling a bit better now that I've typed a bit. I don't want to spam you guys, so I'll just add to this post behind a cut if I feel the strong urge to type some more.

Also, random note: all my mood icons will appear as red x's for a bit because falling asleep in front of Livejournal is really HELL on my bandwidth. (Which I've been doing a lot because our computer monitor is so buggered right now that it keeps dying on me every few minutes, which means I stay up much later trying to work in between it's little fits, which means I'm that much more tired, which means...UGH, FML.)

( Cuuut, it's a cuuut, which doesn't have the same ring as snaaaake, but whatever )

( Update about meds again - I'm recording this stuff so I don't forget what happens, you understand )

Off to FREAK OUT over the assignment my (practicum) editor gave me.

In theory, my deadline is the end of practicum (that's what she told me...that Thursday, anyway), but I SO do not want to take that long on this story...I want it done, like, TOMORROW. I have one interview done, and I need to talk to this other guy, a counselor.

She insists I call this guy - can't be anyone else - and he's in Edmonton. She thinks I can reach him through the government toll-free 310-0000 service. Turns out, he's not in his office often, I've missed him a couple of times, I can't use the 310-0000 service because it doesn't recognize his number as existing in the Edmonton directory...! ....aaaand part of the reason I've missed him is that I have major anxiety like whoa over this call and put it off too long every day I mean to call.

I mean, like sit-in-front-of-the-phone-and-meltdown kind of anxiety. Feel-sick-for-the-entire-day anxiety. Panic and shake and can't breathe and all that really FUN shit. The Dex and/or energy drinks almost don't help because they increase my pulse rate even MORE, which makes things worse.

I've always been bad/panicked with the phone, and felt nervous over whether my assignments are going to be good enough, and on and on... But this nonsense is CRAZY. My editor sent me a "what's up?" email this afternoon, and I don't know what to tell her. I'm thinking I will PRAY I grab this guy TOMORROW, hopefully in the morning. Get the interview OVER WITH, pound that shit out, tell my editor the story is on its way over the wire. TOMORROW, please god.

I can't deal with not being able to deal! The whole phone thing was getting SO much better with practice for my stories, and now it's getting worse again. And blanking when I try to write stuff, not being able to get a sense of the story's feel, and thinking it's going to be crap...that's worse, too. I'm also worse in replying to emails because I keep thinking my RESPONSE will suck. In a lousy email.

I don't think this is the meds. It was getting worse the whole time I was between Rit and Dex, too.

I may be in trouble with practicum because of waiver form crap, so I could flunk that just because I didn't have the paperwork in order in time. My editor was in the east the week the gave us forms. I emailed it to her, along with the fax number they gave us LAST semester, but not this semester. (Yay for ADHD-packrat skillz, I still had that in my inbox..I hope it was okay to give her, because there was literally NO WAY I could get that form between us in person.) I haven't heard from Walter that she's sent it back, so I haven't signed my half. NOW WHAT? Practicum started Monday!

I'm flunking two classes right now.

If I flunk out, I lose all financial support I have going on right now, and will be stuck maybe trying to get two jobs to pay room/board, and afford any school that will take me.

I'm in such deep shit at the moment.

Why am I such a screw-up?