Failure to organize...so what else is new?

[beandelphiki]

...*sighs*

I don't know if it's because I didn't take drugs for more than 24 hours, or because I slept WAY, WAY too much last night and yesterday (apparently to make up for the previous two nights of little sleep and subsequent threatening cold), or if it's because I'm undoubtedly low on iron this week...

...But I am completely exhausted. Ugh. My joints are sore now, and I only got up two hours ago...but I can't think straight (even after finally taking meds), and I just want to go back to bed. Puke, kill me.


What's really uncool about this is that I'd promised myself these two weeks were going to be for cleaning my room. My boss gave me two weeks off (in preparation for the amount of hours I'm going to be working this summer, as we'll be short-staffed again), so I figured I'd use most of that time to get cleaned up and organized.

Because I'm a compulsive hoarder.

And I'm not just saying that - I'm an Oprah/Dr. Phil/Internet-E-bay-lady compulsive hoarder. Just with less room to hoard IN. So the crap in my room is basically chest-high all over, and covering every surface except my bed (which has just enough clear room for me to sleep).

But now it's THURSDAY of the second week. I have four days left (possibly more depending on my upcoming schedule, but I'll say four to be safe), and I've done nearly nothing. Got one bag of trash out and a few books that weren't mine downstairs. That's about it.

It feels like I'm in school again, with one of those Big Projects I could never get done, watching the deadline approach with dread.

And I hate it.

Comments

[teyla]

It feels like I'm in school again, with one of those Big Projects I could never get done, watching the deadline approach with dread.

I feel like that with almost anything I do, and it's terrible. I haven't found a way yet to cheat myself into stopping to procrastinate even the simplest stuff.

Hope you'll be able to work your way around this one, though! And I hope that you're feeling better by now :).

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and I do feel better, since I got at least SOME cleaning done today. :)

[elicia8.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

I completely empathize. I feel like this often, though usually to varying degrees. And often it's more mental/intellectual (I don't care what physics says, your brain can TOTALLY ache just like joints do), but I still understand.

And also, your icon is REALLY REALLY funny. I mean really funny. Look at him go!

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Oh, HELL YES to the brain aching thing. Oh, yes. I hate that sensation intensely, and I get it all the time.

And also, your icon is REALLY REALLY funny. I mean really funny. Look at him go!

*grin* That's why I ganked it from...well, somewhere. It was going around.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

er... you have a digital camera, right?
maybe you could... I don't know... send along an image
or 2 of what a Oprah/Dr. Phil/Internet-E-bay-lady compulsive hoarder
means. I mean... I'm just curious, really. I can't imagine.

I mean, we have junk everywhere, but it's not stuff we're saving, so it really has piqued my curiosity.

.. erm. oh, and the bed, too.
just curious, really. (yah, I know the answer already)

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

Oh, and p.s.
why did you feel the need to use the 2 weeks off to clean and organize? I mean, is that some sort of pennance, or something you feel obligated to do for some specific reason? Because, personally, I think that we organize our time too much and never allow ourselves time the freedom to just relax and not have to do anything.

It's only fair to us that we're allowed to have down time. I think you probably spent the 2 weeks very productively, relaxing and allowing yourself time to rest and recreate in anticipation of a large amount of work to come.

I just don't think you should feel the need to beat yourself up over not doing something during time that was given to you to relax. Not that it sounds exactly like you're beating yourself up over that overtly, but in a way, it sounds like your mind is looking askance at your leisure and trying to make you feel so overwhelmed with guilt that you'll do something that you don't really want to, and that guilt is taking the shape of past experiences, like procrastinating against school deadlines, when really - this is just life. There isn't a deadline, it's just what we choose to do with our time and recreation is just as valid an occupation at times as cleaning and organizing is.

...

sorry, didn't mean to go on. just a thought that occured to me.

..

(don't forget about the pics)

(joking, kinda)

...
.

especially the.. uh. nm.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

And I do appreciate these thoughts. I really do. I'm not going to say I DISAGREE with them - I don't - and at some point I will likely want to come back and reflect on this when it's appropriate.

But...okay, if you really don't know what compulsive hoarding is, then I'd better explain and link that first. Then maybe you'll understand.

Here's the Wikipedia article on it:

While there is no definition of compulsive hoarding in accepted diagnostic criteria (such as the current DSM), Frost and Hartl (1996) provide the following defining features:[1]

-the acquisition of, and failure to discard, a large number of possessions that appear to be useless or of limited value
-living spaces sufficiently cluttered so as to preclude activities for which those spaces were designed
-significant distress or impairment in functioning caused by the hoarding

Basically...you know when you hang on to something you COULD probably throw away, because you figure you might need it "someday"? Compulsive hoarding is when you hang on to basically EVERYTHING, EVER. And in my experience, it's often compounded with compulsive spending.

(The same mentality which goes into hoarding can also apply to spending, i.e. "Oh, I should buy this, I might need it someday.")

Lots IN + very little or nothing OUT = BIG PROBLEM.

It's part of various disorders (it's probably most associated with OCD), but it can be a thing in and of itself. Unfortunately, it's not something that has typically responded to medication (it barely ever responds to the sort of meds they use for OCD), but I've read recently of new research into some medications that seem to work for it.

So that's promising.

In my case, I don't have the HUGE anxieties some hoarders do regarding throwing things out (which is good)...it's almost more like hoarding is a reflex. (I come from a family of packrats! It's genetic.) But I also have problems with spending (as mentioned), typical ADHD problems with organizing, activating, and staying focused for the length of time it takes to clean, and PLUS I'm mildly agoraphobic. So I hoard because being surrounded by junk makes me feel safer.

That's basically where I'm coming from here.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

I guess I just found it really hard to fathom since I hadn't known this before you posted this. I mean, it's not like I thought I knew everything in the world, but..... I guess I just thought that something that's so much of an issue for you is something that I would have not picked up on.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

No, it's...

...You know, it's something I really only figured out a few months ago myself. I knew I was "really disorganized," and "messy," but...I've ALWAYS been that way. To some degree or another. I just figured it was a problem of sloppiness and disorganization that had grown with me, but that I'd get it straightened out sooner or later.

(I also thought, somewhere in there, that getting treated for ADHD would help. When it didn't help THAT, it was kind of a wake-up call.)

I think hoarders in general always have to work through layers and layers of self-deception and denial to really understand it's a problem.

So yeah, it makes sense that you didn't know. Nobody in my offline life who hasn't seen it knows. Because I've kept it a secret too, doncha know. Nobody else has even been in my bedroom, really, in almost ten years, except for my mother on VERY rare occasion.

Oh, yeah...

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

I can't get you pictures of my place, but this is what I mean: the "Crazy E-Bay Lady" hoarder is online here. WARNING: There's a lot of pictures there, so you might have trouble getting it to load. Here's some individual pictures (and they're all about this size):

Behind the front door of this woman's home.

By the couch in the living room.

Part of the kitchen.

And yeah, this woman's whole house looks like that.

Well, that's sort of what my ROOM looks like. I can barely GET INSIDE my own bedroom. It's me or my stuff at this point. I couldn't take pictures of it even if I wanted to because I lost my ENTIRE camera bag somewhere in the mess months ago. And I don't know if it would even download images to my computer, because I lost the gear, the disc and the information for that two years ago.

It's a health and safety issue, honestly. (If there was a fire? I'd be dead.) That's why it's so pressing. If I don't deal with it, my mother will just continue to hound me, because at a certain point, it's not just my problem. It's a household problem.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Okay, so your last line suggests that you think I won't like what you said.

I don't know if I understand why you say things if you think they might upset me/piss me off or you think I'm just going to say no...

Like, it's been bugging me a bit since I read this comment. Is that self-destructive, or antagonistic, or both? Really. I don't know if I've pissed you off, you're feeling down, or what. It's hard to read. I think maybe I SHOULD "get" what's going on here, but I'm kinda feeling this block. I dunno.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

lol. I must admit that I live in constant fear of pissing you off. That's just true.

No you certainly haven't pissed me off, and yeah I'm always a little down, but the comment was in a totally different direction.

I'd explain it, but... not here.
er..

I do apologize for my obliqueness, though. It's kind of a curse.