The paths we choose

[beandelphiki]

Tonight I asked Andrea, "Do you ever ask yourself, 'How the hell did I get here?!?'" She said, "Sometimes, yeah."

I don't think about it sometimes. The last fews weeks, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about where I am right now (I'm talking about college here, folks) and why.

I'm thinking about how I grew up in Saskatoon, a little prairie town that doesn't know it's a city. I think about how, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a writer because actors - as cool as they were - were clearly born into the position of "movie star," and that wasn't something common people could be.

I'm thinking about how I decided I was born to be an actor when I saw Return of the Jedi, and I spotted a lady one row down and three seats away from me crying.

I'm thinking of how I gave up acting in favour of being a boy; and how a profession that so excited me when I was 12 became nothing but a simple job by the time I was 17. Acting used to be a passion for me, and then it just became...menial...without my even noticing it happening, until one day I woke up and said, "I can't do that for the rest of my life."

I'm thinking of how, at the beginning of 12th grade, I thought I must really be screwed, because I didn't know where the hell I was going, and everyone else seemed to. But there was this technical theatre thing, that I signed up to do because it looked pretty cool. And people in that program wanted to go on to be lighting designers and such, so they were going to the Mount Royal tech theatre program. I had no path, so I said, "That's what I'll do, too. I'll go to that college. I'll be a lighting designer."

I'm thinking of how, in my interview for the position in the program, I was asked, "Do you have any other colleges or universities you've applied to?" And I said, "No." I was flying by the seat of my pants; I had no other plans. I was there because it seemed like that was the only decision I could have made.

I'm thinking about how, somewhere along the way, this has become MY decision, and possibly the RIGHT decision, but I'm not sure how to tell. If it is mine.

Or right.

Comments

[poopsmoothie.livejournal.com]

Sometimes all you can do is what's there. But that's not a bad way to go... so long as you DO it with every iota of force you have.

-me, talking out of my ass

*hugs*

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

Its a rare person that doesn't ponder those questions for much of their life. A rare, short-sighted and entirely too unimaginative person.

At some point you realize that... you did what you did and it's done. With any luck you'll realize that you enjoyed doing it and learned something along the way.