Thoughts on discrimination
Jul. 26th, 2002 08:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiSo, something I've been contemplating the last few days - should I hold myself accountable for not knowing?
A few years ago, I thought I knew what discrimination is. These past couple of years have taught me that I knew nothing, even if I thought I did.
I thought I understood the scope of racial discrimination. I did not.
I thought I understood the scope of discrimination agaist gays. I did not.
The list continues. And something tells me that there is still a lot that I am not aware of - at this point I think it would be foolhardy to say I really know what it is like to be discriminated against. I suppose some people would disagree, since being trans has given me a taste, but that won't last long. Not in my daily life, anyway. Someday soon, I'll just be....
A straight white guy.
Invisible.
So AM I to blame for what I did not know? Could I have honestly been EXPECTED to know? There I sat, saying, "I am not racist. I am not a homophobe." Etc. But I was a white girl. Not just a white girl, but a white girl who believed herself to be a straight girl as well, because "lesbian" felt so wrong, and she couldn't accept the concept of being a lesbian. Not when, in any dreams she had about women, she was a man.
When I came out two years ago, I thought I knew what I could expect to see. I knew I was going to be discriminated against by total idiots who would call me, "Dyke!" (I didn't see "Faggot!" coming, though. Isn't passing such a wonderful thing?) I saw myself standing proudly before these hecklers and shouting them down. Arrogance!
Why did I expect that it would all be so OPEN? That my opponents would stand up, stand out, and fight fair?
I expected the looks of disgust I sometimes know I see, but I didn't expect the ones I sometimes think I see. I expected the shoves in the hallway, but I didn't expect that that the shover would refuse to smirk or somehow own up when I whirled around.
I didn't expect the paranoia.
It was a shock to my system, I guess. I dropped out of school halfway through gr. 11. Ostensibly, I was "homeschooling," but what did I learn at home? Nothing, except that I could cower under the covers all day. Then at the dinner table, when I was asked what school work I had done, I could murmur that I was "working on it." And no one would pressure me about that for SIX MONTHS. That was how I passed my 11th school year.
Who made me go back, and face the real world? I did. I didn't want to be a sixteen-year-old dropout. I found it too easy just to never leave my bedroom. I didn't want to be afraid of the whole world. It's the best I could do, since I can't reach to kick my WHITE ass.
One day, I will not stand out on the street as trans. Not to anyone. I'm approaching that point. All I need is T. Age may work against me for a while, then I'll close the gap again. I might be oppressed by the system, but I won't be heckled. Already, I can feel myself getting used to being in the safe zone again.
Could I hold myself accountable for my too-innocent childhood? I don't know.
Can I hold myself accountable if I get soft again? Oh, yeah.
A few years ago, I thought I knew what discrimination is. These past couple of years have taught me that I knew nothing, even if I thought I did.
I thought I understood the scope of racial discrimination. I did not.
I thought I understood the scope of discrimination agaist gays. I did not.
The list continues. And something tells me that there is still a lot that I am not aware of - at this point I think it would be foolhardy to say I really know what it is like to be discriminated against. I suppose some people would disagree, since being trans has given me a taste, but that won't last long. Not in my daily life, anyway. Someday soon, I'll just be....
A straight white guy.
Invisible.
So AM I to blame for what I did not know? Could I have honestly been EXPECTED to know? There I sat, saying, "I am not racist. I am not a homophobe." Etc. But I was a white girl. Not just a white girl, but a white girl who believed herself to be a straight girl as well, because "lesbian" felt so wrong, and she couldn't accept the concept of being a lesbian. Not when, in any dreams she had about women, she was a man.
When I came out two years ago, I thought I knew what I could expect to see. I knew I was going to be discriminated against by total idiots who would call me, "Dyke!" (I didn't see "Faggot!" coming, though. Isn't passing such a wonderful thing?) I saw myself standing proudly before these hecklers and shouting them down. Arrogance!
Why did I expect that it would all be so OPEN? That my opponents would stand up, stand out, and fight fair?
I expected the looks of disgust I sometimes know I see, but I didn't expect the ones I sometimes think I see. I expected the shoves in the hallway, but I didn't expect that that the shover would refuse to smirk or somehow own up when I whirled around.
I didn't expect the paranoia.
It was a shock to my system, I guess. I dropped out of school halfway through gr. 11. Ostensibly, I was "homeschooling," but what did I learn at home? Nothing, except that I could cower under the covers all day. Then at the dinner table, when I was asked what school work I had done, I could murmur that I was "working on it." And no one would pressure me about that for SIX MONTHS. That was how I passed my 11th school year.
Who made me go back, and face the real world? I did. I didn't want to be a sixteen-year-old dropout. I found it too easy just to never leave my bedroom. I didn't want to be afraid of the whole world. It's the best I could do, since I can't reach to kick my WHITE ass.
One day, I will not stand out on the street as trans. Not to anyone. I'm approaching that point. All I need is T. Age may work against me for a while, then I'll close the gap again. I might be oppressed by the system, but I won't be heckled. Already, I can feel myself getting used to being in the safe zone again.
Could I hold myself accountable for my too-innocent childhood? I don't know.
Can I hold myself accountable if I get soft again? Oh, yeah.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-26 09:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-27 07:14 am (UTC)and find these people
and take the pieces of glass and
HORRIBLY MAIM THEM WITH IT!
I think I'm Done Now.
but if you can't do that, then keep posting complaints in here so i can beat them up if i ever encounter them
that is all
wait...blood is fun.
k
a taste
Date: 2002-07-28 10:18 pm (UTC)i had a remarkably privileged childhood. including in the weird way that some masculine female-types are able to present masculine enough not to be discounted when they talk, but still get some of the benefits of being a 'girl'--aka, boys won't punch you even when you are being a total ass.
of course, in high school i wasn't out (as anything, to myself or others. i spent the last 2 years of high school dating a 37-year-old man and avoiding most of the hs social scene, so i guess i wasn't exactly normal anyways...), and i think i scared people enough that no one really messed with me. (why i scared people, i don't know, but a lot of people seemed to think i was intimidating.)
since then, my world has opened up, and i am slowly becoming aware of the scope of discrimination in the world and the biases that i've grown up with for so long that it's hard to even see that they are there.
is it my fault that this is the world i have been born into and this is the position in the world that i was born into? no. is it my responsibility to take action to counter the injustice in the world that i identify? yes. am i able to counter all said injustice? no. do i need to beat myself up for not being able to fix it all? no. do i need to do *something* even though i fear that that something is futile or not enough? yes. do i know exactly what it is i should/want to do? no.
heh--that's as far as i've figured it out. let me know if you figure anything else/more out.