Thoughts on discrimination
Jul. 26th, 2002 08:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiSo, something I've been contemplating the last few days - should I hold myself accountable for not knowing?
A few years ago, I thought I knew what discrimination is. These past couple of years have taught me that I knew nothing, even if I thought I did.
I thought I understood the scope of racial discrimination. I did not.
I thought I understood the scope of discrimination agaist gays. I did not.
The list continues. And something tells me that there is still a lot that I am not aware of - at this point I think it would be foolhardy to say I really know what it is like to be discriminated against. I suppose some people would disagree, since being trans has given me a taste, but that won't last long. Not in my daily life, anyway. Someday soon, I'll just be....
A straight white guy.
Invisible.
So AM I to blame for what I did not know? Could I have honestly been EXPECTED to know? There I sat, saying, "I am not racist. I am not a homophobe." Etc. But I was a white girl. Not just a white girl, but a white girl who believed herself to be a straight girl as well, because "lesbian" felt so wrong, and she couldn't accept the concept of being a lesbian. Not when, in any dreams she had about women, she was a man.
When I came out two years ago, I thought I knew what I could expect to see. I knew I was going to be discriminated against by total idiots who would call me, "Dyke!" (I didn't see "Faggot!" coming, though. Isn't passing such a wonderful thing?) I saw myself standing proudly before these hecklers and shouting them down. Arrogance!
Why did I expect that it would all be so OPEN? That my opponents would stand up, stand out, and fight fair?
I expected the looks of disgust I sometimes know I see, but I didn't expect the ones I sometimes think I see. I expected the shoves in the hallway, but I didn't expect that that the shover would refuse to smirk or somehow own up when I whirled around.
I didn't expect the paranoia.
It was a shock to my system, I guess. I dropped out of school halfway through gr. 11. Ostensibly, I was "homeschooling," but what did I learn at home? Nothing, except that I could cower under the covers all day. Then at the dinner table, when I was asked what school work I had done, I could murmur that I was "working on it." And no one would pressure me about that for SIX MONTHS. That was how I passed my 11th school year.
Who made me go back, and face the real world? I did. I didn't want to be a sixteen-year-old dropout. I found it too easy just to never leave my bedroom. I didn't want to be afraid of the whole world. It's the best I could do, since I can't reach to kick my WHITE ass.
One day, I will not stand out on the street as trans. Not to anyone. I'm approaching that point. All I need is T. Age may work against me for a while, then I'll close the gap again. I might be oppressed by the system, but I won't be heckled. Already, I can feel myself getting used to being in the safe zone again.
Could I hold myself accountable for my too-innocent childhood? I don't know.
Can I hold myself accountable if I get soft again? Oh, yeah.
A few years ago, I thought I knew what discrimination is. These past couple of years have taught me that I knew nothing, even if I thought I did.
I thought I understood the scope of racial discrimination. I did not.
I thought I understood the scope of discrimination agaist gays. I did not.
The list continues. And something tells me that there is still a lot that I am not aware of - at this point I think it would be foolhardy to say I really know what it is like to be discriminated against. I suppose some people would disagree, since being trans has given me a taste, but that won't last long. Not in my daily life, anyway. Someday soon, I'll just be....
A straight white guy.
Invisible.
So AM I to blame for what I did not know? Could I have honestly been EXPECTED to know? There I sat, saying, "I am not racist. I am not a homophobe." Etc. But I was a white girl. Not just a white girl, but a white girl who believed herself to be a straight girl as well, because "lesbian" felt so wrong, and she couldn't accept the concept of being a lesbian. Not when, in any dreams she had about women, she was a man.
When I came out two years ago, I thought I knew what I could expect to see. I knew I was going to be discriminated against by total idiots who would call me, "Dyke!" (I didn't see "Faggot!" coming, though. Isn't passing such a wonderful thing?) I saw myself standing proudly before these hecklers and shouting them down. Arrogance!
Why did I expect that it would all be so OPEN? That my opponents would stand up, stand out, and fight fair?
I expected the looks of disgust I sometimes know I see, but I didn't expect the ones I sometimes think I see. I expected the shoves in the hallway, but I didn't expect that that the shover would refuse to smirk or somehow own up when I whirled around.
I didn't expect the paranoia.
It was a shock to my system, I guess. I dropped out of school halfway through gr. 11. Ostensibly, I was "homeschooling," but what did I learn at home? Nothing, except that I could cower under the covers all day. Then at the dinner table, when I was asked what school work I had done, I could murmur that I was "working on it." And no one would pressure me about that for SIX MONTHS. That was how I passed my 11th school year.
Who made me go back, and face the real world? I did. I didn't want to be a sixteen-year-old dropout. I found it too easy just to never leave my bedroom. I didn't want to be afraid of the whole world. It's the best I could do, since I can't reach to kick my WHITE ass.
One day, I will not stand out on the street as trans. Not to anyone. I'm approaching that point. All I need is T. Age may work against me for a while, then I'll close the gap again. I might be oppressed by the system, but I won't be heckled. Already, I can feel myself getting used to being in the safe zone again.
Could I hold myself accountable for my too-innocent childhood? I don't know.
Can I hold myself accountable if I get soft again? Oh, yeah.
