Paralysis of the Will

[beandelphiki]

I'm completely, totally in shock right now. So shocked, I don't know what to think.

There's been several mentions of ADD/ADHD in a community I belong to, and I went to go look up some stuff about ADD, just out of curiosity, and I found this:

Paralysis of the Will

Now, note I am not saying I have ADD or anything, I consider it a bit of a stroke of...luck, maybe? that this happened to be where I was poking around, but I relate to this so completely:

Here's what I'm after: Specific, responsible (especially if anecdotal) commentary on the block, inertia, stall, inability, or whatever you want to call it that some of us experience. Many of you have spoken of difficulty paying bills, opening mail, and getting organized in general, especially in the area of personal finances. The phenomenon I am describing, however, is frightening and taxes my ability to respond with dark humor to disasters in my own life.

Examples of what I'm talking about:

*Bills not paid until somebody calls on the phone or until service is cut off, when the money is in the bank and there is no intent to accept services w/o paying for them.

*Income tax returns late or not filed when there is no intent not to pay taxes (most paid during the year by payroll deductions anyway), and when in fact there is a belief in the tax system and what it produces for us.

*Similar credit problems when we know pretty much all there is to know about staying out of debt.

*Walking into the kitchen with several days' unwished dishes, thinking "Oh, how disgusting," and then leaving the dishes again.

The key is that in all of these scenarios you know what you need to do, you are daily appalled and shamed by your inability to move, but you j.u.s.t c.a.n.'.t m.o.v.e. You want to do it. You know that getting started is the worst part, but you don't pick up even one dish or whatever. You are frozen into immobility (literally and/or figuratively), numbed in the face of a complete lack of understanding of why you cannot even touch some of these projects.

Yes, I have made incremental progress since the ADD diagnosis a few months ago, and yes, the Wellbutrin has helped somewhat. At least the past years' tax materials are all in folders labeled 1999 or whatever. But some tax returns are not yet filed. And this remains the single most frightening, most out-of-control aspect of my life. When I examine it, I feel nothing but fear.

In the research mentioned above, and in the 10-12 books on adult ADD I have read in the past 3 months, I have seen only two brief comments that touch on the phenomenon that is much too severe and destructive to be called procrastination.

Much too severe and destructive to be called procrastination, yes.

THIS IS ME.

I'm relieved as hell that I'm not the only person out there who actually feels like he can't make himself MOVE. But I'm daunted by the fact that no one really has a concrete solution.

This freaks me out completely.

Comments

[mhw.livejournal.com]

It doesn't just affect people with ADD. It's also found in depressive anxiety.

I found that my problems with it were much relieved, if not cured, by a combination of antidepressants and cognitive therapy, plus lots of support from people.

Take a look at this post of mine where I talk about it and lots of people provide good input.

Good luck - it's manageable, I promise!

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And thanks for the link. I really appreciate hearing a personal perspective on this.

[haleth.livejournal.com]

That's me, too. It sucks, a lot. My sympathies, anyway.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

*nods**hugs*

If so many people have struggled with this, people must have devised ways to cope. I have hope.

NEVER lose hope!

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Absolutely there are ways to cope - I think that the difficulty is that it's a symptom, not a cause, and there are probably many ways in which people can find themselves in this situation. Therefore it's pretty likely that a coping method that works wonderfully for one person isn't at all guaranteed to work for another.

That said, it really is important to know - at least, it has been for me - that you're not the only person in this situation, and that it isn't some kind of unique moral defect or willful idleness or any of the other ways in which I used to demonise and demoralise myself. Shedding guilt about it is vital, or you end up having to fight an unnecessary battle as well as the important one!

I had a lot of help from a therapist who works with people who have an anxiety disorder - with me, much of the paralysis seems to have originated in an extreme and irrational fear of failure and consequent punishment, which expresses itself as a feeling that "if I don't do anything, then I can't do it wrong, and thus I can't be blamed." Crazy thinking, eh? :) And so cognitive therapies designed to reduce irrational fear and to help me to get imagined consequences into perspective were really useful for me.

*hugs you gently* Remember, no matter what happens, you have people who care about you a lot, and we'll be with you and support you while you get this problem into manageable form, however you do it.

Re: NEVER lose hope!

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

had a lot of help from a therapist who works with people who have an anxiety disorder - with me, much of the paralysis seems to have originated in an extreme and irrational fear of failure and consequent punishment, which expresses itself as a feeling that "if I don't do anything, then I can't do it wrong, and thus I can't be blamed." Crazy thinking, eh? :)

Not crazy thinking at all, to me. I mean, of course it's irrational, but I get it. I'm sure that's part of my problem too. Just saying I know where you're coming from.

[walkinthenight.livejournal.com]

That is me, as well.

It's hard and scary, and I have made a little progress, but not enough. It doesn't help that the fear of failure often freezes me in my tracks even more.

P.S.

[walkinthenight.livejournal.com]

About a year ago, I bought the book that was mentioned in the article... "You Mean I'm Not Stupid, Lazy, or Crazy?" I had suspected that I had "adult ADHD" for a while, and certainly had some signs going back into childhood. While I have never been fully diagnosed with it, reading about the varying symptoms (and the coping mechanisms) has been helpful. So whatever you want to call the way my brain works... this is a pretty close fit.

The paralysis still swoops in from time to time, despite my best efforts. In some ways, I guess it always will.

Re: P.S.

[mhw.livejournal.com]

One very useful way of dealing with it that I've found is to have someone that you trust see you regularly (once a week, a fortnight, a month, whatever works) and be with you while you deal with - or even help you deal with - whatever's paralysing you. I find that the fear's much more manageable when I have someone with whom I can talk about it as it happens and help me keep a good perspective on it.

Good luck! it sounds as though you're doing well!

Re: P.S.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

If you don't mind my asking, why did you decide you have ADHD? I mean, what signs are you looking at?

I'm a little amazed, because I've just discovered that there is more than one "type" of ADD/ADHD, which I was completely unaware of. If nothing else, this clears up old questions I had about a couple of my friends who were diagnosed with it in school.

ADD is something I've wondered about on and off for several years, but I really don't know. My old school reports are full of comments on my serious lack of ability to stay "on-task," but that could be (and was, where I was concerned) attributed entirely to intellectual giftedness. And I seem to alternate at school between sharp, focused periods, and foggy or distractable ones.

I don't think anyone in my family would take it seriously if I suggested a professional evaluation for this, and I really hate the idea of getting one done just to be told I'm making excuses for myself, or something.

Re: P.S.

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe they might not, but not trying just makes sure of it, no? and I truly doubt that any therapist worth their salt would say anything so stupid. Jeez, that would be about as sensible as saying things like "Just pull yourself together" to someone with severe depression! *shudder*

If it's messing your life up, it needs attending to, and you'll almost certainly benefit from some kind of professional evaluation and assistance in doing so.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

I agree that while this effect may be very well exactly something that you experience, that it doesn't mean you have ADD. There are other symptoms that you just don't seem to have.

I also agree that the symptomatology fits other diagnoses, and that... unfortunately... medication in combination with "talk therapy" is the only real cure.

The medication helps out as a crutch, allowing you to feel mellow enough to talk to people like a therapist about what is bothering you, then the therapy is the thing that cures it. The meds are not for life, necessarily, they're just a rung on a ladder that lets you reach the cured area.

Once you're there, you may not need any meds at all.

It's hard to think about taking meds and talking to doctors, but I for one have found that that might be the only way to find out for sure what is troubling you.

Oh, and if possible, don't "stick" with a doc or therapist you don't like. I went through some 10 or so in my life before I found one that "gets" me.

*hugs luck and love*
me

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

I agree that while this effect may be very well exactly something that you experience, that it doesn't mean you have ADD. There are other symptoms that you just don't seem to have.

I also agree that the symptomatology fits other diagnoses, and that... unfortunately... medication in combination with "talk therapy" is the only real cure.

Okay, I'm going to jump all over this, because you probably know me better than anyone else on lj, and I haven't been able to discuss this with anyone in rl.

First, what other ADD symptoms don't I have? Obviously not the hyperactivity (which I just learned a few days ago isn't necessary for a diagnosis!), but other than that. Do you work with people who have it? Because I would assume ADD alone wouldn't get someone in where you work.

And since you said it fits other things, what are those? And what meds are you talking about? I know mhw mentioned depressive anxiety, but... *shakes head*

Really, the thing I like most about the study of ADD I've done recently is that I finally understand what was going on with some of my friends when I was a kid, and I understand my cousin a bit better. We have a slight family history of LDs and ADD, and my cousin has it. (And probably my uncle too, but he's never been diagnosed.) I'm not really close to my cousin, but it's just cool to "get" some things about him.

I just want to cross it off the list, or whatever, because I'm so sick of not having answers to this.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

you'll have to give me some time to answer this, as I've started on a new medication and said med doubled starting this afternoon, so I'm not at my best. I'd hate to send you anything but my best, so I'll refrain.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

ok wait.
I'm still not at my best, so this isn't my definitive reply, but...

I feel compelled to point out that I am forbidden, by law, to give any sort of diagnosis or to strike down any sort of diagnosis. I am not a professional, only a para-professional, and I forgot the key words because I know you don't want to hear them anyway, but I'm supposed to say, "you should see a professional and discuss these things with him or her for a definitive diagnosis."

The thing is, paralysis of the will is something that happens in a variety of illnesses. Maybe not all in exactly the same way, but like I said, I'm heavily medicated. It can happen in psychosis, schizophrenia, mania, panic disorder, ptsd, severe depression, catatonia, even drug induced psychosis. Note that I'm not saying that they have the symptoms exactly as you laid them out, but they have very similar symptoms, where a person may know what they have to do to be functional, but be functionally unable to do them.

anyways... I'll look up more on ADD when I can think straight.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know perfectly well you can't officially diagnose me; especially not over the internet! I'm thinking about seeing someone to talk about the paralysis of will thing - not to suggest any sort of diagnosis, just give them the raw problem and see what they say - but that's neither here nor there.

I'm just asking for your thoughts as a friend, because you seemed to have an opinion about it, and I'm curious what that is.

Please don't feel any pressure, though.