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Paralysis of the Will
Oct. 9th, 2004 10:12 pmI'm completely, totally in shock right now. So shocked, I don't know what to think.
There's been several mentions of ADD/ADHD in a community I belong to, and I went to go look up some stuff about ADD, just out of curiosity, and I found this:
Paralysis of the Will
Now, note I am not saying I have ADD or anything, I consider it a bit of a stroke of...luck, maybe? that this happened to be where I was poking around, but I relate to this so completely:
Here's what I'm after: Specific, responsible (especially if anecdotal) commentary on the block, inertia, stall, inability, or whatever you want to call it that some of us experience. Many of you have spoken of difficulty paying bills, opening mail, and getting organized in general, especially in the area of personal finances. The phenomenon I am describing, however, is frightening and taxes my ability to respond with dark humor to disasters in my own life.
Examples of what I'm talking about:
*Bills not paid until somebody calls on the phone or until service is cut off, when the money is in the bank and there is no intent to accept services w/o paying for them.
*Income tax returns late or not filed when there is no intent not to pay taxes (most paid during the year by payroll deductions anyway), and when in fact there is a belief in the tax system and what it produces for us.
*Similar credit problems when we know pretty much all there is to know about staying out of debt.
*Walking into the kitchen with several days' unwished dishes, thinking "Oh, how disgusting," and then leaving the dishes again.
The key is that in all of these scenarios you know what you need to do, you are daily appalled and shamed by your inability to move, but you j.u.s.t c.a.n.'.t m.o.v.e. You want to do it. You know that getting started is the worst part, but you don't pick up even one dish or whatever. You are frozen into immobility (literally and/or figuratively), numbed in the face of a complete lack of understanding of why you cannot even touch some of these projects.
Yes, I have made incremental progress since the ADD diagnosis a few months ago, and yes, the Wellbutrin has helped somewhat. At least the past years' tax materials are all in folders labeled 1999 or whatever. But some tax returns are not yet filed. And this remains the single most frightening, most out-of-control aspect of my life. When I examine it, I feel nothing but fear.
In the research mentioned above, and in the 10-12 books on adult ADD I have read in the past 3 months, I have seen only two brief comments that touch on the phenomenon that is much too severe and destructive to be called procrastination.
Much too severe and destructive to be called procrastination, yes.
THIS IS ME.
I'm relieved as hell that I'm not the only person out there who actually feels like he can't make himself MOVE. But I'm daunted by the fact that no one really has a concrete solution.
This freaks me out completely.
There's been several mentions of ADD/ADHD in a community I belong to, and I went to go look up some stuff about ADD, just out of curiosity, and I found this:
Paralysis of the Will
Now, note I am not saying I have ADD or anything, I consider it a bit of a stroke of...luck, maybe? that this happened to be where I was poking around, but I relate to this so completely:
Here's what I'm after: Specific, responsible (especially if anecdotal) commentary on the block, inertia, stall, inability, or whatever you want to call it that some of us experience. Many of you have spoken of difficulty paying bills, opening mail, and getting organized in general, especially in the area of personal finances. The phenomenon I am describing, however, is frightening and taxes my ability to respond with dark humor to disasters in my own life.
Examples of what I'm talking about:
*Bills not paid until somebody calls on the phone or until service is cut off, when the money is in the bank and there is no intent to accept services w/o paying for them.
*Income tax returns late or not filed when there is no intent not to pay taxes (most paid during the year by payroll deductions anyway), and when in fact there is a belief in the tax system and what it produces for us.
*Similar credit problems when we know pretty much all there is to know about staying out of debt.
*Walking into the kitchen with several days' unwished dishes, thinking "Oh, how disgusting," and then leaving the dishes again.
The key is that in all of these scenarios you know what you need to do, you are daily appalled and shamed by your inability to move, but you j.u.s.t c.a.n.'.t m.o.v.e. You want to do it. You know that getting started is the worst part, but you don't pick up even one dish or whatever. You are frozen into immobility (literally and/or figuratively), numbed in the face of a complete lack of understanding of why you cannot even touch some of these projects.
Yes, I have made incremental progress since the ADD diagnosis a few months ago, and yes, the Wellbutrin has helped somewhat. At least the past years' tax materials are all in folders labeled 1999 or whatever. But some tax returns are not yet filed. And this remains the single most frightening, most out-of-control aspect of my life. When I examine it, I feel nothing but fear.
In the research mentioned above, and in the 10-12 books on adult ADD I have read in the past 3 months, I have seen only two brief comments that touch on the phenomenon that is much too severe and destructive to be called procrastination.
Much too severe and destructive to be called procrastination, yes.
THIS IS ME.
I'm relieved as hell that I'm not the only person out there who actually feels like he can't make himself MOVE. But I'm daunted by the fact that no one really has a concrete solution.
This freaks me out completely.
