My future, and related woes
Jul. 30th, 2003 01:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiI've decided: I'm not going back to college next year.
Instead, I'll be working, and I'll be upgrading my high school math and science. (Pure Math 20, Chem 20 and Physics 20 first semester, and diploma classes second semester, so I'll be a full-time student.) I have to do it before I'm 20 if I want the government to finance it. Plus, if I go after any university education some time farther down the road, I'll probably need more academic maths and sciences than I do now.
I'm sending a letter to the theatre department to explain that I've run into "unexpected financial difficulty" so I am unable to return next year. (Partially true, but if I REALLY wanted to go next year, I think I might be able to swing it.) I'm going to ask for permission to return to my studies in technical theatre not next year, but the year after that.
And if I don't get permission? I don't care. I'm still not going back.
I don't even know if I'm going back two years from now (assuming I get permission.) I'm sort of hoping I'll make a solid decision on that one in the coming school year.
I just want to know what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
Theatre has been my whole life since I was 11, and now I don't feel like I have it anymore. I feel so lost.
I wanted to be an actor for years and years, and now that's at least post-poned due to transition issues. I decided in gr. 12 that I have too many issues with making a fool of myself in public to be an honest actor. I don't know if I'll ever resolve those issues, so acting is way on the back burner.
I love being a lighting monkey. Honestly, I don't think the idiots who teach our program will ever realize it, but the work is not an issue. I know I'm not the best at it, but I still love it and want to try my best to be better.
My issue is with the people. The industry.
I hate the theatre industry. I HATE "the biz." It's not glam - it's ugly. I hate the nepotism, I hate the "it's who you know" attitude, I hate the ass-kissing. I hate the fact that my good work will never be what gets me jobs - only knowing the right people and kissing enough ass will do that. Good work? Only helps you keep your job.
I know there is a minimum of ass-kissing and bullshit that has to happen to keep the world afloat. But theater doesn't make it by on the minimum. Theatre stays alive on idiotic customs and bureaucracy - the point of which is ONLY to keep the egos happy. It's bloated and inefficient.
One of the worst things I've discovered so far is that many of my instructors - who hate me and who I hate in return - are big names in professional theatre. If I have to deal with them in the real world - I think torture and death might be preferable to working with some of them. (Some of them are pretty egoless people who I think might be tough bosses - but I wouldn't mind working for them because I know they wouldn't stand for bullshit.)
I despise the industry. I don't think I can handle the idea of that being my life.
An idea occurred to me today: I could get into amateur theatre. I know people who are in professional theatre look down on amateurs as though they were only as bright as your friend's puppy, but my whole objection to the industry in the first place is that I don't need the approval of assholes. I already know a bit about how professional theatre works - I can bring it there. I can hang and focus to my heart's content, and never have to worry if it will put food on my table. If I don't want to kiss someone's ass, I can back out and just focus on my real job.
I don't think it's a bad idea. It offends something in me that has been trained to look down on amateur theatre, but I might really do it.
The question remains: what is my "real job" going to be?
Instead, I'll be working, and I'll be upgrading my high school math and science. (Pure Math 20, Chem 20 and Physics 20 first semester, and diploma classes second semester, so I'll be a full-time student.) I have to do it before I'm 20 if I want the government to finance it. Plus, if I go after any university education some time farther down the road, I'll probably need more academic maths and sciences than I do now.
I'm sending a letter to the theatre department to explain that I've run into "unexpected financial difficulty" so I am unable to return next year. (Partially true, but if I REALLY wanted to go next year, I think I might be able to swing it.) I'm going to ask for permission to return to my studies in technical theatre not next year, but the year after that.
And if I don't get permission? I don't care. I'm still not going back.
I don't even know if I'm going back two years from now (assuming I get permission.) I'm sort of hoping I'll make a solid decision on that one in the coming school year.
I just want to know what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
Theatre has been my whole life since I was 11, and now I don't feel like I have it anymore. I feel so lost.
I wanted to be an actor for years and years, and now that's at least post-poned due to transition issues. I decided in gr. 12 that I have too many issues with making a fool of myself in public to be an honest actor. I don't know if I'll ever resolve those issues, so acting is way on the back burner.
I love being a lighting monkey. Honestly, I don't think the idiots who teach our program will ever realize it, but the work is not an issue. I know I'm not the best at it, but I still love it and want to try my best to be better.
My issue is with the people. The industry.
I hate the theatre industry. I HATE "the biz." It's not glam - it's ugly. I hate the nepotism, I hate the "it's who you know" attitude, I hate the ass-kissing. I hate the fact that my good work will never be what gets me jobs - only knowing the right people and kissing enough ass will do that. Good work? Only helps you keep your job.
I know there is a minimum of ass-kissing and bullshit that has to happen to keep the world afloat. But theater doesn't make it by on the minimum. Theatre stays alive on idiotic customs and bureaucracy - the point of which is ONLY to keep the egos happy. It's bloated and inefficient.
One of the worst things I've discovered so far is that many of my instructors - who hate me and who I hate in return - are big names in professional theatre. If I have to deal with them in the real world - I think torture and death might be preferable to working with some of them. (Some of them are pretty egoless people who I think might be tough bosses - but I wouldn't mind working for them because I know they wouldn't stand for bullshit.)
I despise the industry. I don't think I can handle the idea of that being my life.
An idea occurred to me today: I could get into amateur theatre. I know people who are in professional theatre look down on amateurs as though they were only as bright as your friend's puppy, but my whole objection to the industry in the first place is that I don't need the approval of assholes. I already know a bit about how professional theatre works - I can bring it there. I can hang and focus to my heart's content, and never have to worry if it will put food on my table. If I don't want to kiss someone's ass, I can back out and just focus on my real job.
I don't think it's a bad idea. It offends something in me that has been trained to look down on amateur theatre, but I might really do it.
The question remains: what is my "real job" going to be?
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 09:53 pm (UTC)Telling your boss, "Hey, you're wrong!" means that you're asserting authority you don't have. He doesn't give a ripe fuck if he's wrong and you're right -- you're undermining his authority by your assertion. Hence you are not a team player. Hence you are dogmeat and processed out the door, bye-bye, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.
I don't get it either, but then I don't process the world the way most NTs do. The focus is not efficiency. It's obedience. Only rarely will you find a situation where creativity, initiative, and self-starting are regarded as desirable. Most business, whatever kind, want drones who do their job and don't make waves.
What you're talking about is politics, and wherever there are three people, there will be politics.