My future, and related woes

[beandelphiki]

I've decided: I'm not going back to college next year.


Instead, I'll be working, and I'll be upgrading my high school math and science. (Pure Math 20, Chem 20 and Physics 20 first semester, and diploma classes second semester, so I'll be a full-time student.) I have to do it before I'm 20 if I want the government to finance it. Plus, if I go after any university education some time farther down the road, I'll probably need more academic maths and sciences than I do now.

I'm sending a letter to the theatre department to explain that I've run into "unexpected financial difficulty" so I am unable to return next year. (Partially true, but if I REALLY wanted to go next year, I think I might be able to swing it.) I'm going to ask for permission to return to my studies in technical theatre not next year, but the year after that.

And if I don't get permission? I don't care. I'm still not going back.

I don't even know if I'm going back two years from now (assuming I get permission.) I'm sort of hoping I'll make a solid decision on that one in the coming school year.

I just want to know what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

Theatre has been my whole life since I was 11, and now I don't feel like I have it anymore. I feel so lost.


I wanted to be an actor for years and years, and now that's at least post-poned due to transition issues. I decided in gr. 12 that I have too many issues with making a fool of myself in public to be an honest actor. I don't know if I'll ever resolve those issues, so acting is way on the back burner.

I love being a lighting monkey. Honestly, I don't think the idiots who teach our program will ever realize it, but the work is not an issue. I know I'm not the best at it, but I still love it and want to try my best to be better.

My issue is with the people. The industry.

I hate the theatre industry. I HATE "the biz." It's not glam - it's ugly. I hate the nepotism, I hate the "it's who you know" attitude, I hate the ass-kissing. I hate the fact that my good work will never be what gets me jobs - only knowing the right people and kissing enough ass will do that. Good work? Only helps you keep your job.

I know there is a minimum of ass-kissing and bullshit that has to happen to keep the world afloat. But theater doesn't make it by on the minimum. Theatre stays alive on idiotic customs and bureaucracy - the point of which is ONLY to keep the egos happy. It's bloated and inefficient.

One of the worst things I've discovered so far is that many of my instructors - who hate me and who I hate in return - are big names in professional theatre. If I have to deal with them in the real world - I think torture and death might be preferable to working with some of them. (Some of them are pretty egoless people who I think might be tough bosses - but I wouldn't mind working for them because I know they wouldn't stand for bullshit.)

I despise the industry. I don't think I can handle the idea of that being my life.

An idea occurred to me today: I could get into amateur theatre. I know people who are in professional theatre look down on amateurs as though they were only as bright as your friend's puppy, but my whole objection to the industry in the first place is that I don't need the approval of assholes. I already know a bit about how professional theatre works - I can bring it there. I can hang and focus to my heart's content, and never have to worry if it will put food on my table. If I don't want to kiss someone's ass, I can back out and just focus on my real job.

I don't think it's a bad idea. It offends something in me that has been trained to look down on amateur theatre, but I might really do it.

The question remains: what is my "real job" going to be?

Comments

[poopsmoothie.livejournal.com]

Good luck with your decision; I'm confident that the path you've picked here will be a good one for you.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I wish I had some answers for you... but of course, you know that I don't... and can't...

I think that upgrading your academics is an excellent plan, however. That's never a bad thing to do... especially if, as you said, you can get the government to pay for it.

The whole litany of problems you're having with the theatre people is hounding my brain. It just reminds me of something. Not something that will help, really, I don't think... but... something.

Hmm...

*thinks thinks thinks*

Well, while I delegate part of my brain to work on that... I should mention, I think, that I totally love the concept of amateur theatre. I mean... as you've said, hanging lights is hanging lights... and doing it can only make you better, if compared with not doing it. So... what plans you have that include working lights are "all good," in my humble opinion.

argh...

I have to come back to this...

the anticipation of trying to figure out what this all reminds me of is threatening to drive me insane.

*big big hugs*
*more hugs*

*and another*

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

I mean... technician is an integral part of the job title... and tech almost by definition has precious little (actually nothing) to do with personality.

I mean... like... computer people... you wouldn't hire a computer technician based on his personality, wit and handshake, unless you were a complete and totally ignorant fool. You'd hire one based on his or her competence, record and experience, period.

I guess that's what seems so unfair about it to me (and probably to you.) I mean... it IS unfair... it doesn't just seem unfair. Technical work should be judged on an entirely different scale from "social climbing skills." Lights, props, paint and electricity don't care who you know, or who you've screwed to get where you are.

It seems like... something has gone horribly wrong. Like... the people in front of the curtain and behind the curtain have become... hmm...

I don't know, really... it just seems wrong. Like... the people in front of the curtain, sure... they've always had this thing where nepotism and who knows who gets you someplace... as wrong as that is...

But tech folk should be completely different. It seems like the problem comes from the top, as you've noted. THOSE people should be teaching that SKILLS and not personality are important. Instead, they're teaching you just the opposite!

They should be emphasizing SKILL and SUBSTANCE over "schmoozing." That should be... like... their FOCUS, even. Because everyone knows that if you're around theatre, you're going to be around fakey people, who like to schmooze their way to the top. But the profs there should be trying to teach people that that isn't the way to get anywhere in tech.

*sigh*

That just so sucks.

I know that you'd be great as a tech. I know, because you so obviously love the work, and that's what would count for so much more than "ass kissing," when there's a show to put on. When a show is on the line, asses can be damned, I'm sure... what they'll need at that point is a TECH.

*hugs*
*love*
me

[griffen.livejournal.com]

I hate the theatre industry. I HATE "the biz." It's not glam - it's ugly. I hate the nepotism, I hate the "it's who you know" attitude, I hate the ass-kissing. I hate the fact that my good work will never be what gets me jobs - only knowing the right people and kissing enough ass will do that. Good work? Only helps you keep your job.

I know there is a minimum of ass-kissing and bullshit that has to happen to keep the world afloat. But theater doesn't make it by on the minimum. Theatre stays alive on idiotic customs and bureaucracy - the point of which is ONLY to keep the egos happy. It's bloated and inefficient.

You could easily substitute in "big business" for "the theatre industry" and it would be just as accurate. Sadly, the world does not run on talent, but on money and all things related -- it runs on bullshit, and ass-kissing, and "who you know."

Most people seem to be able to turn a blind eye to that and go on. The ones who can't -- well, we're on the unemployment line a lot of the time, sadly.

I think the idea of getting into amateur theatre is a good one, but remember that even there there will be a modicum of bullshit.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Ironically, avoiding big business was why I went into theatre.

Of course I know that no matter where you go there is going to be some bullshit. I can deal with that. I just find it frustrating because everything could be done so much faster if everyone wasn't so busy trying not to hurt each other's feelings and so on. Telling th big boss he's wrong can lose you your job even when you're right - wtf is that? I just don't get it.

[astres.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Good luck to you. I hope things work out smoothly for ya :)

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Sadly, jobs are not about who's right or wrong. They're about obedience.

Telling your boss, "Hey, you're wrong!" means that you're asserting authority you don't have. He doesn't give a ripe fuck if he's wrong and you're right -- you're undermining his authority by your assertion. Hence you are not a team player. Hence you are dogmeat and processed out the door, bye-bye, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.

I don't get it either, but then I don't process the world the way most NTs do. The focus is not efficiency. It's obedience. Only rarely will you find a situation where creativity, initiative, and self-starting are regarded as desirable. Most business, whatever kind, want drones who do their job and don't make waves.

What you're talking about is politics, and wherever there are three people, there will be politics.