Thinky-thoughts
May. 24th, 2003 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiQuote has been quoted with permission.
A long time ago, when I was 13 or so, I read in a book that abuse survivors tend to get into abusive relationships when they are older. I knew by that point that I had been abused - that's mainly why I was looking at that stuff - but I didn't understand what the book was telling me. The book said that some people, especially women, actually go LOOKING for abusive relationships...and if it isn't abusive enough, they bail.
I could NOT understand that. The majority of my childhood was spent as a kind of endurance test - get to the next minute, the next hour, the next day. And one of the things I used to keep myself sane was thinking about how different things would be when I was finally a Grown-Up. Nobody would punch or kick me anymore, slam me into things, throttle me or scream at me. I could be my own person, feel safe in my own home. And I could finally be treated well. That's what I thought.
I thought anyone who actually went looking for an abusive relationship must be a fucking idiot. You had a chance to escape all that - why wouldn't you? I vowed confidently to myself that I would never be like that.
Flash forward 5 years, and I've got some friggin' problems.
I don't like that I have problems, not one bit. It pisses me off. I feel stupid. When I realized that what had happened to me at the neighbour's when I was 9 was sexual abuse, I got myself through that recovery. I told MYSELF that it wasn't my fault, I led myself through realizing how I'd been manipulated, I let myself be hurt, and then angry, and finally forgiving. If you were to ask me about that, I think I'd be able to confidently say that I AM over it. It's a part of my past that I wouldn't change because I learned from it. But I don't think it really affects me in a negative way anymore, and the only thing I feel when I think of my abuser is sadness and pity. I just hope that she is okay right now and not hurting anymore children, although that might be a bit much to hope.
But I am still stuck on what my parents have done to me.
I think it's even harder to work with that because I still live with them. I still go to big family reunions with this dysfunctional bunch. I know that my family has a long history of abuse - I've asked around - and I can see the effects of it all over my extended family. I feel like I'm trying to get past a narrow escape with a big scary spider while I'm still stuck in the web. It's not working. But financially, I don't have much choice.
So yes - I have problems. And if there's one big thing I've figured out while being with Frank, it's that a whole bunch of them are about current relationships.
I mentioned something to Frank the other day... He told me that he would have never lifted a hand to me, and I said...that I would have wanted him to. I WANTED him to hit me. And more...
He said:
I certainly understand how it is possible that you are the way you are... I mean, no judgement here, but you were raised on almost pure adrenaline. The times when you weren't scrapping for your life probably just seemed like "rest periods" in between rounds, or something. I can see how maybe "normality" seems tame and listless by comparison.
Yes. I thought: that's exactly it.
Of course, a lot of WANTING to be abused has to do with my other issues with self-injury. I want to punish myself somehow, all the time. Because part of me believes that I need to be physically damaged when I do something wrong, and the stress of not receiving that damage can become too great to resist.
But there is more to it. Being in an abusive situation IS all about adrenaline. I have a horrible startle response - the slightest sudden noise, and my body gets flooded with it. I suppose in a way I am almost dependent on adrenaline by this point - as any exercise junkie will tell you, adrenaline is addictive.
There are two things I can easily see "doing" in a relationship. The first is building up to, and having sex for the first time. The second is getting slapped around. That's about it. Either you're trying to get something, or trying to avoid something.
If you're not doing one of those two things - if you've already had sex, and it's part of the routine, or if you're not getting hit - what the hell IS there to DO? Nothing I can think of. And the thought of that depresses me. It seems so pointless. What IS the point to a relationship once it's quite established? What do you do? What's the action? Is there any?
Conversations without things to work out, relationships that go nowhere - I can't stand any of that. The first is like eating whipped cream for dinner - all sweetness, no substance - and the second just seems plain boring.
A long time ago, when I was 13 or so, I read in a book that abuse survivors tend to get into abusive relationships when they are older. I knew by that point that I had been abused - that's mainly why I was looking at that stuff - but I didn't understand what the book was telling me. The book said that some people, especially women, actually go LOOKING for abusive relationships...and if it isn't abusive enough, they bail.
I could NOT understand that. The majority of my childhood was spent as a kind of endurance test - get to the next minute, the next hour, the next day. And one of the things I used to keep myself sane was thinking about how different things would be when I was finally a Grown-Up. Nobody would punch or kick me anymore, slam me into things, throttle me or scream at me. I could be my own person, feel safe in my own home. And I could finally be treated well. That's what I thought.
I thought anyone who actually went looking for an abusive relationship must be a fucking idiot. You had a chance to escape all that - why wouldn't you? I vowed confidently to myself that I would never be like that.
Flash forward 5 years, and I've got some friggin' problems.
I don't like that I have problems, not one bit. It pisses me off. I feel stupid. When I realized that what had happened to me at the neighbour's when I was 9 was sexual abuse, I got myself through that recovery. I told MYSELF that it wasn't my fault, I led myself through realizing how I'd been manipulated, I let myself be hurt, and then angry, and finally forgiving. If you were to ask me about that, I think I'd be able to confidently say that I AM over it. It's a part of my past that I wouldn't change because I learned from it. But I don't think it really affects me in a negative way anymore, and the only thing I feel when I think of my abuser is sadness and pity. I just hope that she is okay right now and not hurting anymore children, although that might be a bit much to hope.
But I am still stuck on what my parents have done to me.
I think it's even harder to work with that because I still live with them. I still go to big family reunions with this dysfunctional bunch. I know that my family has a long history of abuse - I've asked around - and I can see the effects of it all over my extended family. I feel like I'm trying to get past a narrow escape with a big scary spider while I'm still stuck in the web. It's not working. But financially, I don't have much choice.
So yes - I have problems. And if there's one big thing I've figured out while being with Frank, it's that a whole bunch of them are about current relationships.
I mentioned something to Frank the other day... He told me that he would have never lifted a hand to me, and I said...that I would have wanted him to. I WANTED him to hit me. And more...
He said:
I certainly understand how it is possible that you are the way you are... I mean, no judgement here, but you were raised on almost pure adrenaline. The times when you weren't scrapping for your life probably just seemed like "rest periods" in between rounds, or something. I can see how maybe "normality" seems tame and listless by comparison.
Yes. I thought: that's exactly it.
Of course, a lot of WANTING to be abused has to do with my other issues with self-injury. I want to punish myself somehow, all the time. Because part of me believes that I need to be physically damaged when I do something wrong, and the stress of not receiving that damage can become too great to resist.
But there is more to it. Being in an abusive situation IS all about adrenaline. I have a horrible startle response - the slightest sudden noise, and my body gets flooded with it. I suppose in a way I am almost dependent on adrenaline by this point - as any exercise junkie will tell you, adrenaline is addictive.
There are two things I can easily see "doing" in a relationship. The first is building up to, and having sex for the first time. The second is getting slapped around. That's about it. Either you're trying to get something, or trying to avoid something.
If you're not doing one of those two things - if you've already had sex, and it's part of the routine, or if you're not getting hit - what the hell IS there to DO? Nothing I can think of. And the thought of that depresses me. It seems so pointless. What IS the point to a relationship once it's quite established? What do you do? What's the action? Is there any?
Conversations without things to work out, relationships that go nowhere - I can't stand any of that. The first is like eating whipped cream for dinner - all sweetness, no substance - and the second just seems plain boring.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-05-24 04:02 pm (UTC)You talk about things that interest you. You go to movies together and hold hands during the romantic parts and hold each other during the scary parts and laugh together at the silly parts. You share books with each other -- Danny and I have fallen into a routine of reading to each other.
You go dancing. You spend time with friends. You go to Renaissance Faire. You go to comic book conventions. You lie in bed holding each other and whispering and giggling without any sex involved.
You share creative efforts like stories, the way
You cook dinner and eat together. You go out and have falafel wraps for lunch. You go to the park and feed the ducks with day-old bread. You go grocery shopping together.
You go to museums and look at great works of art. You find little bistros hiding in alcoves in the older part of town. You go to the beach and look out at the edge of the world at sunset. You sit and watch your lover sleeping during the middle of the day, when he's taking a nap and you're online writing email or LJ posts. You go to the library and get lost in the stacks together.
You go gaming with your friends. You go to the local amusement parks. You camp out and sit around the campfire toasting marshmallows for s'mores.
You make plans for the future.
You remember the past.
You live in the present.
That's what you do.
For what it's worth, I so totally get you about saying you'd rather be hit. But that may not be something related to your abuse. If you're an adrenaline junkie, there are ways to feed that drive safely. I know a lot of people who are into SM because they like the adrenaline rush, and they can feed it while being safe about it. You might want to examine that.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-05-24 04:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-05-24 05:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-05-25 02:38 pm (UTC)As for being an adrenaline junkie...I have sort of looked at BDSM and failed to come to any solid conclusions thus far. I think in this instance, it's much more about actual violence. But I suppose I don't have to have that part of it all figured out just yet.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-05-24 07:08 pm (UTC)I wish I had time to write about this... but I'm at work, of course. There is a point, really... I think it's a little about trust, and a lot about sharing. The trust has to come first, though.
I don't have a lot of time here, but... when you completely trust someone, that they have your best interests at heart, and when you simultaneously have their best interests in your heart, then you'll want to share your life with them. It's about... having someone to come home to, to confide in, to lean on and trust, to share things with and to grow with. It's...
part of what might be the problem, is that it's about family, in a way. Maybe your opinion of family is so low that it doesn't seem like anything to strive for. Maybe, in fact, it seems quite the opposite to you.
Ah.. I gotta run.
any chance you can chat tonight?>
it's ok if not.
I'll try to post more when I can actually think.
*more hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-05-25 02:36 pm (UTC)We never talked about that. It's true, I loathe the word "family" and if I had a wife and adopted some kids, I think I'd want to call it something else.
Re:
Date: 2003-05-25 04:01 pm (UTC)umm... intentional community is a phrase I've heard kicked around..
or.. um.. hm.
sorry.. if I can think of some others... I'll let you know.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-05-25 01:30 am (UTC)It's not what you do that's important. You tend to do pretty much the same stuff you did when you were single. The whole point of a relationship (in my opinion) is having someone to do it with.
Spending time with Ross is my favourite passtime. I wouldn't give it up for the world.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-05-25 02:31 pm (UTC)Heh. As I was telling Frank last night...not a selling point. :P I like doing things alone. *shrug* Maybe that'll change.
Thanks!