Thinky-thoughts
May. 24th, 2003 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiQuote has been quoted with permission.
A long time ago, when I was 13 or so, I read in a book that abuse survivors tend to get into abusive relationships when they are older. I knew by that point that I had been abused - that's mainly why I was looking at that stuff - but I didn't understand what the book was telling me. The book said that some people, especially women, actually go LOOKING for abusive relationships...and if it isn't abusive enough, they bail.
I could NOT understand that. The majority of my childhood was spent as a kind of endurance test - get to the next minute, the next hour, the next day. And one of the things I used to keep myself sane was thinking about how different things would be when I was finally a Grown-Up. Nobody would punch or kick me anymore, slam me into things, throttle me or scream at me. I could be my own person, feel safe in my own home. And I could finally be treated well. That's what I thought.
I thought anyone who actually went looking for an abusive relationship must be a fucking idiot. You had a chance to escape all that - why wouldn't you? I vowed confidently to myself that I would never be like that.
Flash forward 5 years, and I've got some friggin' problems.
I don't like that I have problems, not one bit. It pisses me off. I feel stupid. When I realized that what had happened to me at the neighbour's when I was 9 was sexual abuse, I got myself through that recovery. I told MYSELF that it wasn't my fault, I led myself through realizing how I'd been manipulated, I let myself be hurt, and then angry, and finally forgiving. If you were to ask me about that, I think I'd be able to confidently say that I AM over it. It's a part of my past that I wouldn't change because I learned from it. But I don't think it really affects me in a negative way anymore, and the only thing I feel when I think of my abuser is sadness and pity. I just hope that she is okay right now and not hurting anymore children, although that might be a bit much to hope.
But I am still stuck on what my parents have done to me.
I think it's even harder to work with that because I still live with them. I still go to big family reunions with this dysfunctional bunch. I know that my family has a long history of abuse - I've asked around - and I can see the effects of it all over my extended family. I feel like I'm trying to get past a narrow escape with a big scary spider while I'm still stuck in the web. It's not working. But financially, I don't have much choice.
So yes - I have problems. And if there's one big thing I've figured out while being with Frank, it's that a whole bunch of them are about current relationships.
I mentioned something to Frank the other day... He told me that he would have never lifted a hand to me, and I said...that I would have wanted him to. I WANTED him to hit me. And more...
He said:
I certainly understand how it is possible that you are the way you are... I mean, no judgement here, but you were raised on almost pure adrenaline. The times when you weren't scrapping for your life probably just seemed like "rest periods" in between rounds, or something. I can see how maybe "normality" seems tame and listless by comparison.
Yes. I thought: that's exactly it.
Of course, a lot of WANTING to be abused has to do with my other issues with self-injury. I want to punish myself somehow, all the time. Because part of me believes that I need to be physically damaged when I do something wrong, and the stress of not receiving that damage can become too great to resist.
But there is more to it. Being in an abusive situation IS all about adrenaline. I have a horrible startle response - the slightest sudden noise, and my body gets flooded with it. I suppose in a way I am almost dependent on adrenaline by this point - as any exercise junkie will tell you, adrenaline is addictive.
There are two things I can easily see "doing" in a relationship. The first is building up to, and having sex for the first time. The second is getting slapped around. That's about it. Either you're trying to get something, or trying to avoid something.
If you're not doing one of those two things - if you've already had sex, and it's part of the routine, or if you're not getting hit - what the hell IS there to DO? Nothing I can think of. And the thought of that depresses me. It seems so pointless. What IS the point to a relationship once it's quite established? What do you do? What's the action? Is there any?
Conversations without things to work out, relationships that go nowhere - I can't stand any of that. The first is like eating whipped cream for dinner - all sweetness, no substance - and the second just seems plain boring.
A long time ago, when I was 13 or so, I read in a book that abuse survivors tend to get into abusive relationships when they are older. I knew by that point that I had been abused - that's mainly why I was looking at that stuff - but I didn't understand what the book was telling me. The book said that some people, especially women, actually go LOOKING for abusive relationships...and if it isn't abusive enough, they bail.
I could NOT understand that. The majority of my childhood was spent as a kind of endurance test - get to the next minute, the next hour, the next day. And one of the things I used to keep myself sane was thinking about how different things would be when I was finally a Grown-Up. Nobody would punch or kick me anymore, slam me into things, throttle me or scream at me. I could be my own person, feel safe in my own home. And I could finally be treated well. That's what I thought.
I thought anyone who actually went looking for an abusive relationship must be a fucking idiot. You had a chance to escape all that - why wouldn't you? I vowed confidently to myself that I would never be like that.
Flash forward 5 years, and I've got some friggin' problems.
I don't like that I have problems, not one bit. It pisses me off. I feel stupid. When I realized that what had happened to me at the neighbour's when I was 9 was sexual abuse, I got myself through that recovery. I told MYSELF that it wasn't my fault, I led myself through realizing how I'd been manipulated, I let myself be hurt, and then angry, and finally forgiving. If you were to ask me about that, I think I'd be able to confidently say that I AM over it. It's a part of my past that I wouldn't change because I learned from it. But I don't think it really affects me in a negative way anymore, and the only thing I feel when I think of my abuser is sadness and pity. I just hope that she is okay right now and not hurting anymore children, although that might be a bit much to hope.
But I am still stuck on what my parents have done to me.
I think it's even harder to work with that because I still live with them. I still go to big family reunions with this dysfunctional bunch. I know that my family has a long history of abuse - I've asked around - and I can see the effects of it all over my extended family. I feel like I'm trying to get past a narrow escape with a big scary spider while I'm still stuck in the web. It's not working. But financially, I don't have much choice.
So yes - I have problems. And if there's one big thing I've figured out while being with Frank, it's that a whole bunch of them are about current relationships.
I mentioned something to Frank the other day... He told me that he would have never lifted a hand to me, and I said...that I would have wanted him to. I WANTED him to hit me. And more...
He said:
I certainly understand how it is possible that you are the way you are... I mean, no judgement here, but you were raised on almost pure adrenaline. The times when you weren't scrapping for your life probably just seemed like "rest periods" in between rounds, or something. I can see how maybe "normality" seems tame and listless by comparison.
Yes. I thought: that's exactly it.
Of course, a lot of WANTING to be abused has to do with my other issues with self-injury. I want to punish myself somehow, all the time. Because part of me believes that I need to be physically damaged when I do something wrong, and the stress of not receiving that damage can become too great to resist.
But there is more to it. Being in an abusive situation IS all about adrenaline. I have a horrible startle response - the slightest sudden noise, and my body gets flooded with it. I suppose in a way I am almost dependent on adrenaline by this point - as any exercise junkie will tell you, adrenaline is addictive.
There are two things I can easily see "doing" in a relationship. The first is building up to, and having sex for the first time. The second is getting slapped around. That's about it. Either you're trying to get something, or trying to avoid something.
If you're not doing one of those two things - if you've already had sex, and it's part of the routine, or if you're not getting hit - what the hell IS there to DO? Nothing I can think of. And the thought of that depresses me. It seems so pointless. What IS the point to a relationship once it's quite established? What do you do? What's the action? Is there any?
Conversations without things to work out, relationships that go nowhere - I can't stand any of that. The first is like eating whipped cream for dinner - all sweetness, no substance - and the second just seems plain boring.
