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beandelphikiHad my appointment with Dr. Miles.
The Good
I may be able to start T in three or four months. (We are going over Christmas, after all...)
The Bad, The Ugly, The Generally Unpleasant, The Mediocre and The Okay
It sounds like it's going to cost us some real $$$. To get minimal pysch testing done, it'll cost us about a grand. The sessions are cheaper than the woman I went to before, but he wants them every second week (but not over Christmas, so I'm not seeing him again until Jan. 14.)
He did suggest where I might go to get phalloplasty done cheaply from Canada...Thailand.
Yes, THAILAND. My mom is trying not to be pleased, because she'll "have" to go with me.
I think he spent the first twenty minutes at least telling me all his qualifications. He's been working with transsexuals for thirty years. And you know what? For all that, he still sounds like a shrink.
("I know you're stupid because you became a talk therapy shrink, which is like becoming the minister of a religion where you get to be God." Shadow of the Hegemon, OSC.)
I realized somewhere in there that with all the people I've talked to by now, I have my OWN opinions about trans space, and I'm going to have to work hard not to argue with Mr. "I've written a paper on every trans topic you can imagine." I kept WANTING to argue when he said things like:
"I don't consider genderqueer part of trans. That's more gay and lesbian."
"I don't think testosterone increases your sex drive. It's all sociological."
Things like that.
There were a few other things that bothered me or rubbed me wrong. It bothers me a bit that:
1. He claims he's quite strict about following the Standards of Care. But I can't do anything about that, because I've got to take what I can get in my area.
2. He tells me that people with a history of abuse have trouble managing anger on T. I SO did NOT need to hear that. [My face froze when he said it, and I panicked, hoping that he wouldn't see it and comment in front of my mom.]
3. He originally said I wouldn't be able to get on T for 2-4 years (AAAAAHHHH!)...but it turns out that was a false alarm. He thought I was way underage. *laugh*
4. Behaviour modification...
He insisted I show him, right there in his office, exactly how I sit on the toilet. This caused a good ten minutes of arguing and tension.
"What do you mean, how do I sit? I sit."
"Yes, but show me how."
"I just sit."
"How? Sit like you would on a toilet."
"I just sit. I JUST SIT. I JUST SIT."
Finally, I told him, Like this, even though I suspected that the cramped, nervous way I was sitting was nothing like the way I really sit on the can. But I just wanted to get whatever he was doing out of the way. And really, who the hell thinks about the way they sit on the toilet?!?!?
He gave me an appraising look, then said, "Not too bad. But your feet need to be farther apart." Then he lectured me sternly about how, if you sit with your feet too close together in the bathroom, the men will know SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOU!
Mom jumped in at that point in my defense, and told him what I was thinking - that never, not once in my whole life, have I sat with my feet together without a reminder to be "lady-like."
I told him I was sitting pulled in a bit because I was nervous. He glanced at his watch and said mockingly, "What, after 50 minutes?" Um, get a clue?
I'm thinking that if he and Dr. Oxenbury are any indicator of what most shrinks are like, I hate shrinks. I remember I nearly pissed my pants in fright when I met Dr. Oxenbury, because I knew she was a woman and I had expected her to be like my family doctor - a sweet, gentle soul, concerned with everyone's well-being. Instead I got Attila the Hun.
Dr. Miles isn't much better. A bit too harsh, a bit too detached, and WAY too hung on himself.
He mentioned something I really didn't like the sound of...videotapes. I slowly got the impression he thinks I'm going to let him videotape me so we can discuss and practice making my gestures more masculine or something.
Um, how's about...NO. Never.
I spent four years out of my life, and various moments out of other years trying to modify my behaviour to be more "girly." I am not EVER doing something like that again. He can suck my c--k. I will behave the way I WANT to. I will sit the way I want, I will stand and walk the way I want, I will gesture the way I want, and I will talk the way I want. If he thinks he's going to get me to practice looking at my nails "like a man" or modulating my voice so I don't express too much range...well, he's got another think coming. I sure hope behaviour modification isn't something in the Standards of Care, because I don't Care, baby. He tries that shit, I'm walkin'.
Not to mention how stupid it would be, because I strongly suspect that, as far as gestures go, I do NOT have many problems. I'm a textbook case of "transsexualism in the female." If I gesture a lot in a girlish way, I'll eat my Mets cap. I think the guys would have ragged on me a bit by now.
Anyway...otherwise, I guess it wasn't so bad. But those things...*shrug*
Oh, and I have to write an autobiography. He didn't tell me how much to shorten it, so I suppose under 20 typed, single-space pages? Not sure, and when I asked he wouldn't really tell me. He also didn't think I needed to do it right away, but I think I could at LEAST get started over the holiday. [/Hermione]
The Good
I may be able to start T in three or four months. (We are going over Christmas, after all...)
The Bad, The Ugly, The Generally Unpleasant, The Mediocre and The Okay
It sounds like it's going to cost us some real $$$. To get minimal pysch testing done, it'll cost us about a grand. The sessions are cheaper than the woman I went to before, but he wants them every second week (but not over Christmas, so I'm not seeing him again until Jan. 14.)
He did suggest where I might go to get phalloplasty done cheaply from Canada...Thailand.
Yes, THAILAND. My mom is trying not to be pleased, because she'll "have" to go with me.
I think he spent the first twenty minutes at least telling me all his qualifications. He's been working with transsexuals for thirty years. And you know what? For all that, he still sounds like a shrink.
("I know you're stupid because you became a talk therapy shrink, which is like becoming the minister of a religion where you get to be God." Shadow of the Hegemon, OSC.)
I realized somewhere in there that with all the people I've talked to by now, I have my OWN opinions about trans space, and I'm going to have to work hard not to argue with Mr. "I've written a paper on every trans topic you can imagine." I kept WANTING to argue when he said things like:
"I don't consider genderqueer part of trans. That's more gay and lesbian."
"I don't think testosterone increases your sex drive. It's all sociological."
Things like that.
There were a few other things that bothered me or rubbed me wrong. It bothers me a bit that:
1. He claims he's quite strict about following the Standards of Care. But I can't do anything about that, because I've got to take what I can get in my area.
2. He tells me that people with a history of abuse have trouble managing anger on T. I SO did NOT need to hear that. [My face froze when he said it, and I panicked, hoping that he wouldn't see it and comment in front of my mom.]
3. He originally said I wouldn't be able to get on T for 2-4 years (AAAAAHHHH!)...but it turns out that was a false alarm. He thought I was way underage. *laugh*
4. Behaviour modification...
He insisted I show him, right there in his office, exactly how I sit on the toilet. This caused a good ten minutes of arguing and tension.
"What do you mean, how do I sit? I sit."
"Yes, but show me how."
"I just sit."
"How? Sit like you would on a toilet."
"I just sit. I JUST SIT. I JUST SIT."
Finally, I told him, Like this, even though I suspected that the cramped, nervous way I was sitting was nothing like the way I really sit on the can. But I just wanted to get whatever he was doing out of the way. And really, who the hell thinks about the way they sit on the toilet?!?!?
He gave me an appraising look, then said, "Not too bad. But your feet need to be farther apart." Then he lectured me sternly about how, if you sit with your feet too close together in the bathroom, the men will know SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOU!
Mom jumped in at that point in my defense, and told him what I was thinking - that never, not once in my whole life, have I sat with my feet together without a reminder to be "lady-like."
I told him I was sitting pulled in a bit because I was nervous. He glanced at his watch and said mockingly, "What, after 50 minutes?" Um, get a clue?
I'm thinking that if he and Dr. Oxenbury are any indicator of what most shrinks are like, I hate shrinks. I remember I nearly pissed my pants in fright when I met Dr. Oxenbury, because I knew she was a woman and I had expected her to be like my family doctor - a sweet, gentle soul, concerned with everyone's well-being. Instead I got Attila the Hun.
Dr. Miles isn't much better. A bit too harsh, a bit too detached, and WAY too hung on himself.
He mentioned something I really didn't like the sound of...videotapes. I slowly got the impression he thinks I'm going to let him videotape me so we can discuss and practice making my gestures more masculine or something.
Um, how's about...NO. Never.
I spent four years out of my life, and various moments out of other years trying to modify my behaviour to be more "girly." I am not EVER doing something like that again. He can suck my c--k. I will behave the way I WANT to. I will sit the way I want, I will stand and walk the way I want, I will gesture the way I want, and I will talk the way I want. If he thinks he's going to get me to practice looking at my nails "like a man" or modulating my voice so I don't express too much range...well, he's got another think coming. I sure hope behaviour modification isn't something in the Standards of Care, because I don't Care, baby. He tries that shit, I'm walkin'.
Not to mention how stupid it would be, because I strongly suspect that, as far as gestures go, I do NOT have many problems. I'm a textbook case of "transsexualism in the female." If I gesture a lot in a girlish way, I'll eat my Mets cap. I think the guys would have ragged on me a bit by now.
Anyway...otherwise, I guess it wasn't so bad. But those things...*shrug*
Oh, and I have to write an autobiography. He didn't tell me how much to shorten it, so I suppose under 20 typed, single-space pages? Not sure, and when I asked he wouldn't really tell me. He also didn't think I needed to do it right away, but I think I could at LEAST get started over the holiday. [/Hermione]
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-18 07:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-18 07:56 pm (UTC)Secondly, I have a history of rages and abuse and I had and continue to have absolutely no problem controlling myself on T.
Thirdly, I find any sort of behaviour modification regimine to be highly insulting when coming from a non-trans individual. I would've recommended you find some other boys to hang out with and you'll learn whatever you need to from them.
Sheesh.
Well you know what they say about therapists - it's the study of the Id by the Odd.
MAN am I going to be an anomaly in the field apparently.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-18 10:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-19 03:17 am (UTC)Goodness. Your doc's are very weird over there.
that...
Date: 2002-12-19 09:35 pm (UTC)*hugs*
I don't get why it's his business how you sit on the can or walk and talk or any of that. It honestly sounds like he's been in the business a little too long. Like, maybe he's lost all of his perspective, all of his insight, and he just treats everyone like some cardboard cut-out of a person that he's going to "shape" into (his impression of) "a man."
Really bizarre.
(an autobiography?)
this sounds waaay more involved than I thought it would be.
almost like a spanish inquisition or something.
BTW, one of the nurses I work with is from Thailand. When you're getting to that point, I can ask her for some tips or something... something to help people get around in Thailand who haven't been there before. (and, really, who has been there before except people from Thailand? Oh, wait... that didn't make sense. )
*shrugs*
*hugs*
oh.. and "behaviour modification" *shudders*
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-19 10:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-19 10:02 pm (UTC)Actually...
Date: 2002-12-19 10:27 pm (UTC)As far as how involved it gets - you basically have to give your life story, yeah. The autobiography is just meant to speed that up, I think mostly. I mean, you're changing your sex. While that doesn't seem like such a HUGE deal to me - a little pain, a little scarring, but you're fixing stuff right? no different from open-heart, right? - other people don't see it that way. Especially shrinks, who (in my limited experience) want to spend a lot of time making SURE something's wrong with you, yet are always CONVINCED that there is something wrong with you, regardless. To most people, a sex change is really, really drastic and alien.
I think the standard sense of it is, if you're SO screwed up that you think you're a man (when you are so OBVIOUSLY a woman, right? who can argue with the boobies?) you can't really be trusted to make your own decisions about your own body. Something like that. *sigh* It's kind of dumb, really. I think some people can really benefit from the whole process...but for me, I wish I could just skip this crap, get it all done, and go on with my life. But no can do. :(
And yeah, I'm wondering about this guy. Maybe the REASON he's this way IS because he's been working so long. I mean, he told us he comes close to pre-dating the Standards of Care. (Which are oooold...) Maybe he just thinks a bit the way they used to about transsexuals - the old view used to be that all trans people, upon reassignment, are heterosexual, looking for marriage, and have sterotypical jobs and behaviour that they've had trained into them. (I wouldn't let him dictate my career though, and he told us he's big on just doing what you want, screw what job is a guy's job. So that's something.)
He told me something else I didn't like much...that when he gets the pysch makeup done on me, whatever tests those are, he's not going to tell me if they indicate another problem besides my being trans. We'll just work on it together. Without him telling me what we're working on! I wonder if there's any legal recourse I have to keep him from witholding that kind of info from me...
So...yeah. My family doctor told me that there's another shrink she knows if this guy doesn't work well for me. And this doc is an MTF. So if I am still getting bad vibes in January, maybe I will try her on the side and compare. Or maybe I could see her in between sessions with Dr. Miles. I have a REAL doc's appointment tomorrow (Friday), so I might bring it up.
Gee...sorry if this seems like I'm just blathering on.
Anyway, thanks about Thailand and the nurse! I'll keep that in mind. :)
Hrm...
Date: 2002-12-21 08:07 am (UTC)By sense, I mean in a twisted, "Doctor knows best," kinda way.
I've never heard of a doc telling you that they're not going to tell you stuff. That's strange. I do think that they do that sort of thing all the time, though. They're just not usually so open about it.
I'm glad you have a back up doctor to go to if this one gets to be too much of a hassle.
*hugs*