More on the "David thing"
Dec. 1st, 2002 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiOkay, just to clear up a little misconception here:
I'M NOT GAY! NOT GAY! NOT GAY! I DON'T WANT DAVID! The Nick thing is over, mmm-kay? It never happened. Return to your regular schedules.
Gah, one of the best things about transition is that I don't have to deal with guys hitting on me anymore. It gives me a COMPLETE panic attack. Panting, sweating, shaking, the whole bit. I don't like it, noooooo. *quaver*
And, um, this has been an overcompensation-type Public Service Announcement. Thank you.
Annnnnd breathe.
Okay.
Now, in the time that has elapsed since my last post, I've been (natch) freaking out a bit. (If you haven't seen it, now would be the time. Otherwise, spoilers ahead!)
I tend to talk to myself when I want to work things out. Yeah, I know that sounds nutty. But I pretend I'm talking to someone else, and I just let my oh-so-wise subconscious take over. I heart my subconscious mind.
In the last little while, I've been talking to myself so much I've nearly gone hoarse. But I'm pretty calm now, and I think I can see things I missed in earlier "now - we panic" moments.
Stef explained to me that David thinks he needs a man. Now, putting "man" aside (none of us are men!), I think that's very telling. I guess he's in the same frame of mind as a lot of people get into around late high school/early college.
Basically, I'd say he's just lonely, and if he really thinks I'm gay, he might as well go for it. Because what other chance will he get, nu? I'm a convenient pair of hips is what it comes down to. Not flattering...but understandable.
I know he's really lonely. He come from a prairie town. Considering this is Alberta, the Canadian Bible belt, I can just imagine what high school was like. He's implied many times that he was treated badly before he came to college, but he seems reluctant to just come out and talk about it.
I guess he probably feels less sure that he'll ever be with someone than most people. But how do you say that "nobody will ever love me" isn't true when you're not sure you believe it yourself? I've felt for a while we have a lot in common.
*sigh*
Mostly, I'm worried because he apparently also told Stef that if she's right that I'm "straight as a wall" (Stef's words, not mine) than he'll go for Jamie. Because Jamie was totally flirting with him last night.
IGNORING that fact that Jamie would make any NORMAL person want to lose his lunch, I think that supports what I think of David's motives. He's desperate. Period.
And that bothers me, because I KNOW I understand Jamie better than anyone else in the program. And I know Jamie's childish need for attention. I know that Jamie didn't have anyone talking to him last night. Except for me, briefly, but I wasn't too talkative. I know he feels slighted.
And I know that when he feels slighted, baby watch out, because he looks for a way to get REVENGE.
Flirting with David accomplishes two things: he gets attention, and he gets to make David feel stupid when he falls for it. He's fucking with David's head. Hell, Jamie even told Stef that he was PLANNING to flirt with David "to make him uncomfortable." (Whatever that means.)
Mmm, David, watch out. Maybe I should warn him?
I'M NOT GAY! NOT GAY! NOT GAY! I DON'T WANT DAVID! The Nick thing is over, mmm-kay? It never happened. Return to your regular schedules.
Gah, one of the best things about transition is that I don't have to deal with guys hitting on me anymore. It gives me a COMPLETE panic attack. Panting, sweating, shaking, the whole bit. I don't like it, noooooo. *quaver*
And, um, this has been an overcompensation-type Public Service Announcement. Thank you.
Annnnnd breathe.
Okay.
Now, in the time that has elapsed since my last post, I've been (natch) freaking out a bit. (If you haven't seen it, now would be the time. Otherwise, spoilers ahead!)
I tend to talk to myself when I want to work things out. Yeah, I know that sounds nutty. But I pretend I'm talking to someone else, and I just let my oh-so-wise subconscious take over. I heart my subconscious mind.
In the last little while, I've been talking to myself so much I've nearly gone hoarse. But I'm pretty calm now, and I think I can see things I missed in earlier "now - we panic" moments.
Stef explained to me that David thinks he needs a man. Now, putting "man" aside (none of us are men!), I think that's very telling. I guess he's in the same frame of mind as a lot of people get into around late high school/early college.
Basically, I'd say he's just lonely, and if he really thinks I'm gay, he might as well go for it. Because what other chance will he get, nu? I'm a convenient pair of hips is what it comes down to. Not flattering...but understandable.
I know he's really lonely. He come from a prairie town. Considering this is Alberta, the Canadian Bible belt, I can just imagine what high school was like. He's implied many times that he was treated badly before he came to college, but he seems reluctant to just come out and talk about it.
I guess he probably feels less sure that he'll ever be with someone than most people. But how do you say that "nobody will ever love me" isn't true when you're not sure you believe it yourself? I've felt for a while we have a lot in common.
*sigh*
Mostly, I'm worried because he apparently also told Stef that if she's right that I'm "straight as a wall" (Stef's words, not mine) than he'll go for Jamie. Because Jamie was totally flirting with him last night.
IGNORING that fact that Jamie would make any NORMAL person want to lose his lunch, I think that supports what I think of David's motives. He's desperate. Period.
And that bothers me, because I KNOW I understand Jamie better than anyone else in the program. And I know Jamie's childish need for attention. I know that Jamie didn't have anyone talking to him last night. Except for me, briefly, but I wasn't too talkative. I know he feels slighted.
And I know that when he feels slighted, baby watch out, because he looks for a way to get REVENGE.
Flirting with David accomplishes two things: he gets attention, and he gets to make David feel stupid when he falls for it. He's fucking with David's head. Hell, Jamie even told Stef that he was PLANNING to flirt with David "to make him uncomfortable." (Whatever that means.)
Mmm, David, watch out. Maybe I should warn him?
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-06 12:40 pm (UTC)Sorry to jump into the flamery at such a late date.
How do you know you do't present as gay? And, saying such, how can you make a judgment about the idea of "presenting gay" -- do you mean stereotypically gay? There was a point that I was in a complete fog about the fact that some people sure did think I "presented" as stereotypically gay. But then I accepted it, bought my Trannyfag t-shirt and pranced around the Castro and helped other trannyfags to come to grips with themselves (my comfort with myself helped a couple to come out of denial/the closet/leave their fears behind). But at the same time, I made sure peeps knew that I'm completely bisexual. *g*
I think some of the question goes to these entries and the things you say on your User Info page as well. ::shrugs::
Anyway. Just popping in. May not pop back to this particular post, but hope to see you around somewhere nevertheless.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-06 05:48 pm (UTC)Erm, well, I said: Naturally, it bothers me to be seen as something I DON'T see myself as, or try to present as. If I do present as gay, it certainly isn't intentional. While I am not going to fly off the handle if someone in rl asks me if I'm gay - it's a valid question - it does bother me when people refuse to RESPECT my answer. And my friends online, unless they're new, should bloody well know by now what my proclivities are. As for "presenting gay" - I'm not sure how I can explain that, but I think if I got annoyed when people thought I was straight, a la
I don't think I generally come off as gay; I know a couple of gay people I know have had their gaydar set of by me, but one of them has already told me that she thought I was a lesbian, not a fag. I think that must be more of a passing problem. And David's already mentioned that his gaydar sucks, and he always ends up hitting on straight guys he thinks are gay, so I wouldn't trust his. :D
Even if I do present as gay, I think it just goes back to respecting my answer when I say I'm not.
Now, being well aware of the high numbers of transguys who seem to switch when they get on T, I figure that's a possibility, but it doesn't have a lot of bearing on my life at the moment.
But then I accepted it, bought my Trannyfag t-shirt and pranced around the Castro and helped other trannyfags to come to grips with themselves (my comfort with myself helped a couple to come out of denial/the closet/leave their fears behind).
Heh, well most of the transguys on my list are gay. Actually, most people, period, on my friends list are gay. If I really had a problem with being gay, and not even
And the User Info page is most DEFINITELY a joke. It's a pretty snarky joke actually; I wrote it in mockery of some of the "I'm gay, yippee-do-da-day!" bios I've seen. I got the idea for it when I saw someone else linking the "Dick in Chick" graphic. It's me being my cheeky bastard self. I used to change my bio all the time, but I haven't gotten sick of this one yet.