Boys and make-up...

[beandelphiki]

When I was in junior high, it seemed to me that there must be something physically disgusting about me. Because NO guy wanted to go out with me.

Okay, that's not totally true. There were a couple of older guys, in high school. (Did I look like a slut or something? Because I sure as hell didn't look older.) And I seemed to have an amazing ability to attract old leches. But boys my age? Nooooo.

Now, this didn't bother me particularly. Not at first. I mean, they called me "the Ice Bitch" for a good reason. I didn't want to date guys. I didn't know then that I wanted to date girls, either. I didn't see myself as a lesbian. I just thought I was honestly frigid. So I was glad I didn't get asked out much, because that whole situation would have been awkward, I would have had to find nice ways to let guys down. I've discovered I'm not very good at saying, "No."

Still, I wondered.

Whenever some of my "girlfriends" would get it in their heads, they'd try to set me up with a nice (read: cute) boy. They'd introduce me to their male friends, and say, "So, Marc...don't you think Dani's cute?"

"Er...um...sure...." And poor Marc would shuffle and look for an escape.

"Would you go out with Dani?" (Arrgh.)

At which point, Marc would burst out, "Oh God, no!" Take a moment to realize his error, then...

"Oh...um. I'm sorry, Dani. I mean...you're pretty and everything, but...I like you as...a friend, you know?" ("You're sinfully ugly.")

It didn't bother me, no....but after awhile, it did. I wondered if, on top of (obviously) being hideous, I oozed some kind of man-repulsive slime, as well. It was my pet theory. No, I didn't want to attract men, but, well...couldn't I at least be somewhat attractive? Just out of pure vanity.

In the past couple of years, I've been looking at myself more. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not THAT ugly, no. I'm not Mr. Universe either, but I don't need a paper bag over my head. It's hard, though. After living so long under the assumption that I qualify as a circus freak, I feel like I'm trying to measure my looks without any kind of yardstick.

I wonder if my past ability to repel guys had anything to do with the quality wrdgrrl talked about, that quality that so often keeps lesbians and FTMs from being "pretty" women.

So tonight, I did drag for a while.



I knew there was a reason I didn't want to throw away my old "girl" clothes when my mom suggested it. I like this, yes, I'll admit it now: I like drag.

I'm not very good at it, though.

Whatever ability I once had to blend in with girls my age and hide my masculinity seems to have evaporated. I'm as awkward in drag as any straight boy in his mom's make-up, with socks stuffed up in his shirt.

I try to look past the awkward sense of "guy-in-drag" and realize there's nothing beyond that to see.

My god, I realize. No wonder the boys didn't like me. Me, a PRE-T tranny boy, can't even look like a proper girl in DRAG.

I look at my individual features for a long time. I know I have some truly pretty, feminine features. I've been told this; by my female relatives, by a few teachers, by my jealous hairdresser. ("Guys get all the best features!")

My jawline curves delicately from my chin to my ear.

My eyebrows are shaped and arched with no help from tweezers.

My eyelashes are thick, black, and a mile long.

My lips...in repose, I think, pretty. China-doll, cupid-bow lips, but fuller than a China doll's. They just look funny in animation.

Individual features, quite feminine, that somehow fail to make a feminine, attractive whole. Why?