Boys and make-up...

[beandelphiki]

When I was in junior high, it seemed to me that there must be something physically disgusting about me. Because NO guy wanted to go out with me.

Okay, that's not totally true. There were a couple of older guys, in high school. (Did I look like a slut or something? Because I sure as hell didn't look older.) And I seemed to have an amazing ability to attract old leches. But boys my age? Nooooo.

Now, this didn't bother me particularly. Not at first. I mean, they called me "the Ice Bitch" for a good reason. I didn't want to date guys. I didn't know then that I wanted to date girls, either. I didn't see myself as a lesbian. I just thought I was honestly frigid. So I was glad I didn't get asked out much, because that whole situation would have been awkward, I would have had to find nice ways to let guys down. I've discovered I'm not very good at saying, "No."

Still, I wondered.

Whenever some of my "girlfriends" would get it in their heads, they'd try to set me up with a nice (read: cute) boy. They'd introduce me to their male friends, and say, "So, Marc...don't you think Dani's cute?"

"Er...um...sure...." And poor Marc would shuffle and look for an escape.

"Would you go out with Dani?" (Arrgh.)

At which point, Marc would burst out, "Oh God, no!" Take a moment to realize his error, then...

"Oh...um. I'm sorry, Dani. I mean...you're pretty and everything, but...I like you as...a friend, you know?" ("You're sinfully ugly.")

It didn't bother me, no....but after awhile, it did. I wondered if, on top of (obviously) being hideous, I oozed some kind of man-repulsive slime, as well. It was my pet theory. No, I didn't want to attract men, but, well...couldn't I at least be somewhat attractive? Just out of pure vanity.

In the past couple of years, I've been looking at myself more. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not THAT ugly, no. I'm not Mr. Universe either, but I don't need a paper bag over my head. It's hard, though. After living so long under the assumption that I qualify as a circus freak, I feel like I'm trying to measure my looks without any kind of yardstick.

I wonder if my past ability to repel guys had anything to do with the quality wrdgrrl talked about, that quality that so often keeps lesbians and FTMs from being "pretty" women.

So tonight, I did drag for a while.



I knew there was a reason I didn't want to throw away my old "girl" clothes when my mom suggested it. I like this, yes, I'll admit it now: I like drag.

I'm not very good at it, though.

Whatever ability I once had to blend in with girls my age and hide my masculinity seems to have evaporated. I'm as awkward in drag as any straight boy in his mom's make-up, with socks stuffed up in his shirt.

I try to look past the awkward sense of "guy-in-drag" and realize there's nothing beyond that to see.

My god, I realize. No wonder the boys didn't like me. Me, a PRE-T tranny boy, can't even look like a proper girl in DRAG.

I look at my individual features for a long time. I know I have some truly pretty, feminine features. I've been told this; by my female relatives, by a few teachers, by my jealous hairdresser. ("Guys get all the best features!")

My jawline curves delicately from my chin to my ear.

My eyebrows are shaped and arched with no help from tweezers.

My eyelashes are thick, black, and a mile long.

My lips...in repose, I think, pretty. China-doll, cupid-bow lips, but fuller than a China doll's. They just look funny in animation.

Individual features, quite feminine, that somehow fail to make a feminine, attractive whole. Why?

Comments

[poopsmoothie.livejournal.com]

Wow, I'm not the only one?

[astres.livejournal.com]

There are lots of girls who can't meet the -attractive- line of girls. However, different boys fall for different girls, and different girls fall for different boys ((I always think my friends have horrible taste in guys.))

I, personally, feel I am not attractive. -HOWEVER-, there are some times when I learn to get past my acne ((which is actually going away now!)) and find I actually do have a pretty face. If my hair is straight ((I TRIED to learn to do this, however, it takes an hour to blowdry my hair, and I have zero patience)) AND I get passed my acne, I actually find myself pretty.

It's hard to get passed faults. You are so used to seeing yourself in the mirror and having to fix something about you, wishing that this or that were changed.

*Sigh* I hope my pretty streak comes through the first day of school, then I can be happy :)

[archanglrobriel.livejournal.com]

Oh boy, been there, done that. Just so you know, in pictures and in places where people hadn't met me, I was told quite often that I was a -really- pretty female. I even (heinous admission time) won a couple of beauty contest type things. BUT, my energy, my personality, the way I move, the way I talk, the mannerisms I have...etc. Those have always been male, so when straight guys would get to actually -know- me they were never interested for reasons they could never articulate. They were my buds. We went to football games together. I was JUST like they were. That does not spell "attraction" to straight men. They're attracted to "other than us". *laugh* The only guys I ever dated were bisexual guys (whom I think ended up probably being gay once they were out of college). To me it all points to the place where my body and my soul didn't synch up in female mode. I could -look- the part, and individually I have some very feminine features - but the entirety has always been too male for straight boys to comfortably chase me.
The "Oh god no!" response is, I think, very much what a guy would say if a girl went up to him with a boy and said "Hey Mark isn't Jason cute? Doesn't he have the best eyes?" and then ended that with "Would you like to go out with him?"
(shrug) For me it was one of the many bits I had in the "yes you have always been this way" column.

[macai.livejournal.com]

I'm not pretty. Dead straight as I can put that. I don't have any "raving" features, my complexion and hair are horrible and I certainly don't have the type of body guys would like since being thin isn't everything if you now what I mean. And yet still boys ask me out and then when I falter they turn the entire thing into a joke and I still had yet to really be asked out until my third day of high school. Odd yes? 3 times, one day. I am not pretty, they have no idea who I am... I just don't understand it. (Yes I am incredibly vain these days.)

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Three times in one day? And you think you're not pretty? *smack* I think I've been asked out three times in 6 YEARS. *grin*

[kinkedriotfemme.livejournal.com]

i'd ask you out!

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Hehehe. *blush*

But you don't even know what I look like!

Re:

[kinkedriotfemme.livejournal.com]

you're sweet!

[macai.livejournal.com]

When High school begins the uperclassman pick up random freshman.

[astres.livejournal.com]

Silly girl. You are very pretty :) I thought so when I first say you :)

[macai.livejournal.com]

*blush*