Just say it!

[beandelphiki]

Over in adults_add, fierceandsassy was explaining to me how ADDers often can have trouble understanding something if they aren't told it directly, and I suddenly realized that I have this problem. It causes a big blow-up between me and my mother at least once every two weeks:

"You know Dan, the garbage needs to be taken out."

"Mmmhmm." *notes that the garbage is overflowing and smelly, and does indeed need to be taken out*

(later)

"DAN! Why didn't you take the garbage out?!"

"You...didn't say you wanted me to!"

"Are you JOKING? I SAID the garbage needed to be taken out!"

"But you didn't tell ME that you wanted ME to take it out! I would have if you'd asked me to!"

"Didn't you get a CLUE when I said it needed to be taken out?! Didn't you take the HINT?"

"...No?"

"Fuck, you're so STUPID! Why do I have to tell you EVERYTHING?!"

"..."


And my internal answer to that last one is...I don't know. Why DO you? Why does the overflowing garbage never register as any more important to me than the color of the wall? I'm not opposed to taking the garbage out; I don't understand why I don't see it either.

And how am I supposed to know when she wants ME to take out the garbage, as opposed to commenting that someone should do it before she does it herself. (Which any of us also could do. "Oh hey, the cat's water dish need to be filled." *fills it*)

Seriously, how AM I supposed to know the difference?

Thing is, I think I may have done this to her, too. ARRGH for being NT set-up to SEND the message, but non-NT set-up to RECIEVE the message. Effin' hell.

Comments

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

first off, I should say that her tone and language are totally reprehensible. I would never speak to anyone in that fashion, especially not my own child.

That said, there is a sort of language of implication. Like how the first statement regarding the trash was prefaced with, "You know, Dan..." that was where she "tagged" you with the job.

It's a sort of tone thing. If she were bright and cheery and sort of said in an airy sort of way, "Oh, wow... the trash is so full!! *giggle*" then you might imply that that was just a statement of fact. If she says, "Dan... the garbage is full." That may as well be saying 'take out the garbage.'

I'm really all about tone. I can pick up subtle implications that most can't, and even those that people might not know they're sending, so it's harder for me to explain. It just comes to me naturally.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Problem is, I think a lot of the time, she doesn't "tag" me like that, she just looks at me, which doesn't register as meaningful, either. I included the tag so I could be clear in the dialogue without writing it like a script.

Generally speaking, I pick up cues quite well, especially in the case of being "interested" in someone ("interested" is hard to define here, it doesn't even necessarily mean that I like them).

This thing, though...I think this is something quite specific, you know? It's more than just missing one cue - which, as I explained to Dr. Y, I actually pick up well when I'm not paying attention, it's my cover.

I briefly tried to look up the idea of not understanding indirect instructions, and it seems to be an issue with pragmatic language...which basically tells me nothing about WHY this is a (VERY consistent) problem.

*prepares to spend hours digging through journal abstracts*

(Don't know what to say about her tone and language. It's been that way all my life. The one good thing about it though, is that her being ADD, she doesn't stay mad for long. Most of the time, all I have to do is leave the room for a few minutes, and if I'm out of sight, she'll forget she was mad and start giggling. Then it's all okay.)

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

really trying to follow you here, because, well, communication both verbal and non-verbal are something of a speciality for me, but I just can't. Not your fault. I'm just kind of in a fuzz right now.

*big hugs*

[gypsyjr.livejournal.com]

I have the same problem. Even my parents, who are generally understanding, sometimes don't get that if they want me to do something, they have to tell me directly and explicitly. You can't just tell me "the cat needs food," you have to tell me "go feed your cat."

*sigh*

Followed you here from one of the ADD communities, by the way. Do you mind if I add you to my friends list?

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Sure, why not? Shall add back a little later. School computer's being a shit with me.

And as to the original topic..."the cat needs food" would usually get me, if only because I have a large amount of guilt around my cats (afraid my disorganization and whatnot makes me a terrible pet owner), so I'd register that as urgent ("They need to be fed! ZOMG, THEY'RE GOING TO STARVE!").

But yeah, "directly" and "explicitly" are key. That's kind of a problem, because people (besides your mother) expect you to be able to catch that stuff, and what do you do if you can't? *shrugs* I'd be so curious to know the science behind it.