"I like to pry my toenails off with rusty nails and watch them grow back."

This is cracking me up.

Why does this always happen? Someone's going to start thinking I'm lying to them

Okay, number one:

Missing child. Please pass the link on.

And number two, if you've sent me any emails or anything, I can't get to them. We tried ten times to turn our computer on this morning, and even Safe Mode kept crashing. I'm posting this from my aunt's; I don't know when I'll get regular computer access again.

This always happens at the worst possible time. I think our computer is evil, and it plans these things in advance.