(no subject)

[beandelphiki]

My lung hurts, I think it's going again.

And I haven't taken my meds in weeks. Why?

Why? Because I went to see the lung specialist a few weeks ago. And he told me that if I take my medication every day for the next six months - I'll heal. Probably forever. And I'll never have another lung collapse in my life. Never.

So why am I not taking my meds? I don't want to get better.

Am I CRAZY? Am I STUPID? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

I kept asking myself this, reminding myself of the time I ended up by the side the road in the middle of - what was it? January? - weeping pathetically because my chest hurt so much.

Seriously, do I WANT that to happen again? Do I? I shouldn't, right? And anyone who reads this who is seriously ill, or who has problems with chronic pain - I'm pretty sure there's a few on my list - probably would want to kick me off a roof if they read this. I have a chance to get better, why can't I take it, instead of being a fucking drama queen and not taking my meds. Because that only indicates I want to get sick. Which must be sickening to anyone unfortunate enough not to HAVE that option.

And it's true. I want to get sick again.

I kept asking why I'm doing this to myself, and all I keep coming up with is that night at the hospital. After I'd been given a bed, and fallen asleep. And some nurse came in after I was sleeping and found me wrapped in my coat, so she got me warm blankets. And when I woke up, Mom was still there. I think I slept for something like 5 hours, and she sat there with me the whole time while I slept.

I guess I felt like someone was looking out for me. For once in my fucking life. And if I can't get that by any other means than being sick in a way that's potentially fatal, then that's how I'll do it, I guess.

I'm so fucked up.

*cries*

Comments

It's okay...

[sleepykid999.livejournal.com]

Don't fret too much about it, it's a fairly common thing, although most kids who do this are just faking colds. I wish you knew how to felt loved all the time, though. **huggles** If I was there I'd kick some asses and take you off to the person you love, despite my extreme loathing of polyamorous relationships. Nothing personal, I just hate the notion because most people (not you, actually, but most cases) are just selfish bitches about it and... ah well, I'd carry you over to that person on my back if I had to, then break my back real fast because I'm weak, so I'd hire a rentacar or something. Feel better! I know I meant to say more but I forgot.
Heh.
**huggles**
-Sharon

Re: It's okay...

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Sharon. ^_^ I'd not want you to carry me, that'd be a helluva lot of work, but it'd be nice for me to be with Frank at points like this, yeah.

I just hate the notion because most people (not you, actually, but most cases) are just selfish bitches about it

*nods* Oh, I know. Well, I've heard about it anyway...I guess I don't know from personal experience. Apparently some people use it as an excuse to do practically whatever they want, disregarding the other's feelings and boundaries. *shakes head* That doesn't make them poly; that makes them assholes! Ignore what they call themselves.

This meant a lot, seeing the responses people have left me. *huggles*
-Dan

[emptygirl.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you feel this way, Dan. I couldn't understand what you were getting at at first...why would anyone want to be or get sick?? Then I read through it all...


I think I can understand, believe it or not. I think back to the time I had to stay in the hospital for a few weeks (premature labor w/ my twins) and I even though it sucked to be there, I felt REALLY loved and appreciated and certainly well-taken care of. It makes me so sad that you feel this way.
I'll stop rambling now, I justed wanted you to know that I do indeed still read and think about you. I hope things get better.

--heather

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, Heather. I love your comments.

I'm feeling pretty disconnected from my lj friends these days. My friends page just looks like Arabic to me when I load it up. I have no energy to read it at all. I miss people. Which is funny, because they're right there. *shakes head*

I hope I can pick things up when school eases off.

*hugs* Hope I haven't missed anything major going on with you.

[emptygirl.livejournal.com]

You haven't missed anything; I've been working a lot so I really don't have as much time as I'd like for LJ these days.

But it's all good, At least I feel somewhat more productive :)

(((((Dan)))))

[haleth.livejournal.com]

I'm not too surprised that you'd do this, really - have gotten very strong impression that you've never really felt loved. It's a nice feeling, when you get it.

guess I felt like someone was looking out for me. For once in my fucking life. And if I can't get that by any other means than being sick in a way that's potentially fatal, then that's how I'll do it, I guess.

You are loved, and there are people who care about you, whether you're fatally ill or not. I understand that's hard for you to accept. Maybe even you don't feel you deserve it. I hope you'll be able to believe it, eventually.

*hugs*
Love,
Ann Marie

Re: (((((Dan)))))

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Awww. ^_^

*big huge hugs*

oh...

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

Oh, my God, Dan... you're not crazy... not at all.. You're just... needing something that you should have gotten when you were a kid. It makes sense... it really does.

It's a need that has been unfilled. It's not something that can just go on unfilled forever. Unfilled needs become like a vaccuum, and they suck you back to that state until they're finally made ok. I wish I could be there... to take care of you and make you feel loved. That's something I could do.

You're right... you don't want to be sick again... you don't want your lung to go... you just want to be loved. It's hard...

I know how you see yourself. You say that "I can take care of myself... I always have." I know that that means a lot to you... to your identity and your self esteem.

You're not fucked up... well... maybe you were fucked up by your parents, and how they were and what they did to you... that was definitely fucked up. But you... no. You're just being normal... You're just being human. It's ok.

I should clarify, before I lose my credibility. What I mean is that the need you're feeling is ok... maybe not the way that you're getting that need filled. So... what's going on in your head... your drive and intention... is ok. That's normal. But... some other way has to be found to meet those needs.

I wish I could be there... I mean.. I love you so much, I'd love to take care of you and protect you and get soup for you and cover you with blankets and make you feel loved and cared for. I don't know what I can do from here... I wish I did.

*big huge hugs*
*love love love*
*gentle smooch*

Re: oh...

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

I cried reading this...I don't know what more I can say than that, to express my gratitude you said what you did. Still...

It's not something that can just go on unfilled forever. Unfilled needs become like a vaccuum, and they suck you back to that state until they're finally made ok.

Well, that scares me. Because I suspect it might be true, and then I'm royally screwed. Because it WILL go on unfilled forever. Having a romantic love is DIFFERENT than parental love. I'm not trying to make it less than it is - not at all. And I don't want to you to feel after reading this like I just told you you're no help. Because that's not what I mean AT ALL. You should know you've done a lot for me - more than anyone else I can think of. But one person can't make up for what two parents screwed up. And...I grew up like that. It's all I know and understand. How can that change? I just don't see it.

I spent YEARS trying to find various father and mother figures - I know that now. And some bad things happened because of that, and some very good things, too. But none of that makes up for it. Some random teacher or whatever has no desire or responsibility to stick around and be a parent to some random little rugrat. (Well...one did. But that's a story I can tell you some other time. If you want.)

Dur. I'm rambling.

You're right... you don't want to be sick again... you don't want your lung to go... you just want to be loved.Even knowing at least on reason I "want" to get sick hasn't changed my feelings toward it.

Now I'm not sure how to end this. *frowny* It certainly was a gloomy comment. Oh, well.

*hugs*
*love*

"Make smoochies, not war."

Re: oh...

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

*kicks farked html*

Re: oh...

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

you just want to be loved.

Yes... there are more reasons... there is self injury... there is punishing your parents by having them see what state they've driven you to,

there's... more than love... the sheer amazing irony of seeing your own mother in the hospital bending over your bed with a look of concern on her face. I can't imagine how that must be to see, after all these years. How powerful a draw that must be... like looking at some show from the '50s with the ideal family, and the ideal mom watching out for her kids... It's almost like... the mirror of Erised... if you know what I mean... like.. something unattainable, yet there it is... and all you have to do is be deathly ill.

To a random stranger, that might seem a high price to pay... but to someone in your shoes... it might not seem like a price at all.

I suspect it might be true, and then I'm royally screwed. Because it WILL go on unfilled forever.

No... it doesn't have to... and no I don't mean me feeding you soup and tucking you in. You're right... that's different.

What can happen is this: see... parents are only with us for a certain period of our lives. A key period, to be sure... but a finite period. After that... the need to feel lovable, worthy of protection, important, valuable and significant... comes from within.

We internalize the scripts that our parents have laid out for us... which in your case unfortunately does not include those things I just listed. Hence, the need... and the vacuum.

But... those scripts can be rewritten. Usually that involves intensive therapy of the sort I'm in... (though that's probably not very reassuring since I keep complaining about therapy and such) where you go through your childhood... examine what you were taught and how you were taught it... look at the flaws... and internalize that they were wrong. Then... you rewrite your childhood in your own head, and replace the f-ed up scripts with scripts that your adult mind can see are more correct.

This does fill the vacuum... and allows us to move on. It, in fact, can't come from other people, except in a truly neurotic relationship with severly enmeshed co-dependants... So... they had their chance... your parents... and now it's your turn to do it right.

I don't mean now... because obviously its a very emotionally draining process and can trigger someone like never before... but... when you're ready you will be able to do it. That's how the mind works. It gives you the drive to do these things when your mind can handle it.

So... not now... but I don't want to leave the impression that it's impossible or that it can't happen. It is possible and it can happen. When you have the time and when you're ready... it will.

I hope this helps.
I love you very much.

*smooch*
*holds you*
*holds you more*

[ex-rainy-day713.livejournal.com]

I kind of understand you, there. I have to take meds every day too (for my blood pressure) and it could potentially be dangerous if I wasn't taking them and still, I'm not even sure I take them twice a week. I couldn't tell why though.

Anyway, *hugs*

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* Yeah, sometimes things we do just don't make sense.