More on the "David thing"
Dec. 1st, 2002 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiOkay, just to clear up a little misconception here:
I'M NOT GAY! NOT GAY! NOT GAY! I DON'T WANT DAVID! The Nick thing is over, mmm-kay? It never happened. Return to your regular schedules.
Gah, one of the best things about transition is that I don't have to deal with guys hitting on me anymore. It gives me a COMPLETE panic attack. Panting, sweating, shaking, the whole bit. I don't like it, noooooo. *quaver*
And, um, this has been an overcompensation-type Public Service Announcement. Thank you.
Annnnnd breathe.
Okay.
Now, in the time that has elapsed since my last post, I've been (natch) freaking out a bit. (If you haven't seen it, now would be the time. Otherwise, spoilers ahead!)
I tend to talk to myself when I want to work things out. Yeah, I know that sounds nutty. But I pretend I'm talking to someone else, and I just let my oh-so-wise subconscious take over. I heart my subconscious mind.
In the last little while, I've been talking to myself so much I've nearly gone hoarse. But I'm pretty calm now, and I think I can see things I missed in earlier "now - we panic" moments.
Stef explained to me that David thinks he needs a man. Now, putting "man" aside (none of us are men!), I think that's very telling. I guess he's in the same frame of mind as a lot of people get into around late high school/early college.
Basically, I'd say he's just lonely, and if he really thinks I'm gay, he might as well go for it. Because what other chance will he get, nu? I'm a convenient pair of hips is what it comes down to. Not flattering...but understandable.
I know he's really lonely. He come from a prairie town. Considering this is Alberta, the Canadian Bible belt, I can just imagine what high school was like. He's implied many times that he was treated badly before he came to college, but he seems reluctant to just come out and talk about it.
I guess he probably feels less sure that he'll ever be with someone than most people. But how do you say that "nobody will ever love me" isn't true when you're not sure you believe it yourself? I've felt for a while we have a lot in common.
*sigh*
Mostly, I'm worried because he apparently also told Stef that if she's right that I'm "straight as a wall" (Stef's words, not mine) than he'll go for Jamie. Because Jamie was totally flirting with him last night.
IGNORING that fact that Jamie would make any NORMAL person want to lose his lunch, I think that supports what I think of David's motives. He's desperate. Period.
And that bothers me, because I KNOW I understand Jamie better than anyone else in the program. And I know Jamie's childish need for attention. I know that Jamie didn't have anyone talking to him last night. Except for me, briefly, but I wasn't too talkative. I know he feels slighted.
And I know that when he feels slighted, baby watch out, because he looks for a way to get REVENGE.
Flirting with David accomplishes two things: he gets attention, and he gets to make David feel stupid when he falls for it. He's fucking with David's head. Hell, Jamie even told Stef that he was PLANNING to flirt with David "to make him uncomfortable." (Whatever that means.)
Mmm, David, watch out. Maybe I should warn him?
I'M NOT GAY! NOT GAY! NOT GAY! I DON'T WANT DAVID! The Nick thing is over, mmm-kay? It never happened. Return to your regular schedules.
Gah, one of the best things about transition is that I don't have to deal with guys hitting on me anymore. It gives me a COMPLETE panic attack. Panting, sweating, shaking, the whole bit. I don't like it, noooooo. *quaver*
And, um, this has been an overcompensation-type Public Service Announcement. Thank you.
Annnnnd breathe.
Okay.
Now, in the time that has elapsed since my last post, I've been (natch) freaking out a bit. (If you haven't seen it, now would be the time. Otherwise, spoilers ahead!)
I tend to talk to myself when I want to work things out. Yeah, I know that sounds nutty. But I pretend I'm talking to someone else, and I just let my oh-so-wise subconscious take over. I heart my subconscious mind.
In the last little while, I've been talking to myself so much I've nearly gone hoarse. But I'm pretty calm now, and I think I can see things I missed in earlier "now - we panic" moments.
Stef explained to me that David thinks he needs a man. Now, putting "man" aside (none of us are men!), I think that's very telling. I guess he's in the same frame of mind as a lot of people get into around late high school/early college.
Basically, I'd say he's just lonely, and if he really thinks I'm gay, he might as well go for it. Because what other chance will he get, nu? I'm a convenient pair of hips is what it comes down to. Not flattering...but understandable.
I know he's really lonely. He come from a prairie town. Considering this is Alberta, the Canadian Bible belt, I can just imagine what high school was like. He's implied many times that he was treated badly before he came to college, but he seems reluctant to just come out and talk about it.
I guess he probably feels less sure that he'll ever be with someone than most people. But how do you say that "nobody will ever love me" isn't true when you're not sure you believe it yourself? I've felt for a while we have a lot in common.
*sigh*
Mostly, I'm worried because he apparently also told Stef that if she's right that I'm "straight as a wall" (Stef's words, not mine) than he'll go for Jamie. Because Jamie was totally flirting with him last night.
IGNORING that fact that Jamie would make any NORMAL person want to lose his lunch, I think that supports what I think of David's motives. He's desperate. Period.
And that bothers me, because I KNOW I understand Jamie better than anyone else in the program. And I know Jamie's childish need for attention. I know that Jamie didn't have anyone talking to him last night. Except for me, briefly, but I wasn't too talkative. I know he feels slighted.
And I know that when he feels slighted, baby watch out, because he looks for a way to get REVENGE.
Flirting with David accomplishes two things: he gets attention, and he gets to make David feel stupid when he falls for it. He's fucking with David's head. Hell, Jamie even told Stef that he was PLANNING to flirt with David "to make him uncomfortable." (Whatever that means.)
Mmm, David, watch out. Maybe I should warn him?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-01 11:14 pm (UTC)That's not obviously a joke? Gee golly gosh, I must be rusty.
Afraid of being gay vs. perceived as gay, hmm? What gave you the idea I have a problem with the first, not the second? I kinda don't think you have any basis of evidence for that assertion, but enlighten me. Really. I want to know why you think that.
Because it I was afraid of BEING gay, I rather don't think I'd read slash, dress in drag, listen to the QAF soundtrack, or do any number of "gay" things in the fear that I'd find out I was really gay.
Re:
Date: 2002-12-01 11:20 pm (UTC)BUT. When it is up in the air as to whether or not you ARE gay, you become very defensive (as of right now).
Oh and the joking? That could be a defense mechinism.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-01 11:38 pm (UTC)Not by my friends, no, because they KNOW me. Therefore, they are not going to perceive me as gay. It's not like I'd go walking down the street in a dress. Stereotypes, ha. Did you mean gay stereotypes? I'm more the sk8ter boy stereotype, I always thought drag was a weird juxtaposition, actually.
BUT. When it is up in the air as to whether or not you ARE gay, you become very defensive (as of right now).
It's not up in the air. I'm not gay. It was up in the air several weeks ago, didja miss it? I wasn't getting annoyed with people then, because whatever people had to say about being bi was legitimate for that situation.
No, this is still about perception.
And - ahem - this isn't defensive, this is pissed off. Sorry for making the start of this post, I was mainly kidding around. The second part is what I wanted feedback on, if I got any, and it annoys me we're still stuck at this part.
I will admit, if that's what you want, that I overreacted a bit on the last post. But I didn't want a huge misunderstanding going on about this.
Oh and the joking? That could be a defense mechinism.
I haven't the foggiest what you mean. Trying to burn down a gay bar is denial, but humour is healthy, nu?
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-01 11:57 pm (UTC)This argument seems to just be growing and going about in a circular fashion, so I say, let's end it. I don't like to fight, I just didn't like what I thought I saw as the point of the post. I was obviously wrong.
Good luck with David.