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Oct. 23rd, 2002 11:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiI think my lung got worse. My chest and arm hurt again. :(
Last night, while I was doing my lighting homework, I felt my lung spasm on me warningly. I panicked, thinking of all the things I have to do this week. I CAN'T go to the hospital with another lung collapse.
But it was fine, except that I couldn't sleep on that side last night. I guess that means I've got it worse again.
I've had asthma since I was 11, but it's pretty mild, and I've never really thought about it. So now I'm dealing with this whole new idea that the thing most people take for granted - being able to take a breath - is pretty uncertain for me. I find myself counting my breaths, wondering if this one is the last painful one I'll get to take for a while.
I've only had one lung collapse so far, and it makes my situation so tenuous. It may never happen again, but that will be a false freedom, because I'll spend the rest of my life waiting for it. Of course, if it happens again, I'll always have to be preparing for it, and measuring my life from one collapse to the next.
[This next part was spurred by things my mother was telling me after talking to people online about this.]
I guess I won't be able to live in the country, because it would be dangerous to live that far from emergency care. I guess I can't go for solitary hikes in the mountains.
I don't want to whine. I mean, it doesn't make me cry. I'm pretty used to rolling with the punches.
But it's true you never really appreciate your freedom until you lose a facet of it. And how many facets there are to lose.
I wonder if that wasn't a little too dreary for the reality; but basically, I've spent the entire time since I got out of the hospital trying not to think about it, and I guess that made things worse.
It's sort of accepted in my family that my sister is the one who freaks at everything, and I'm the one who's always so independent, and "brave." And I don't think anything could be further from the truth.
Sometimes I get so tired of being "brave," but I'm scared of what might happen if I wasn't.
Last night, while I was doing my lighting homework, I felt my lung spasm on me warningly. I panicked, thinking of all the things I have to do this week. I CAN'T go to the hospital with another lung collapse.
But it was fine, except that I couldn't sleep on that side last night. I guess that means I've got it worse again.
I've had asthma since I was 11, but it's pretty mild, and I've never really thought about it. So now I'm dealing with this whole new idea that the thing most people take for granted - being able to take a breath - is pretty uncertain for me. I find myself counting my breaths, wondering if this one is the last painful one I'll get to take for a while.
I've only had one lung collapse so far, and it makes my situation so tenuous. It may never happen again, but that will be a false freedom, because I'll spend the rest of my life waiting for it. Of course, if it happens again, I'll always have to be preparing for it, and measuring my life from one collapse to the next.
[This next part was spurred by things my mother was telling me after talking to people online about this.]
I guess I won't be able to live in the country, because it would be dangerous to live that far from emergency care. I guess I can't go for solitary hikes in the mountains.
I don't want to whine. I mean, it doesn't make me cry. I'm pretty used to rolling with the punches.
But it's true you never really appreciate your freedom until you lose a facet of it. And how many facets there are to lose.
I wonder if that wasn't a little too dreary for the reality; but basically, I've spent the entire time since I got out of the hospital trying not to think about it, and I guess that made things worse.
It's sort of accepted in my family that my sister is the one who freaks at everything, and I'm the one who's always so independent, and "brave." And I don't think anything could be further from the truth.
Sometimes I get so tired of being "brave," but I'm scared of what might happen if I wasn't.
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-10-24 01:24 am (UTC)Thats really something to think about. I think I take way too many things for granted..my unlimited freedom is probably number one on the list. :(
I'm glad you didn't have to run to the hospital...but I hate this is happening to you. I don't really understand what is causing your lung to do this (or threaten to). It's not fair. Why do crappy things happen to such good people...? I may never understand. I hope it never happens again.