ADHD assessment - 3rd and 4th sessions
Nov. 27th, 2005 09:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiOkay, so another ADHD assessment post here. (For those of you who are sick of this, my apologies. This will be going on for a while, though.)
I didn't update over my third session with Dr. Y, mainly because there wasn't much to say. We spent the entire two-hour session talking about my coming-out story, basically. Ho-hum. Really, I can't say that made much of an impression on me, because I started coming out just before I turned 16, so it's now been about 5 years of water under the bridge. I'm used to Trans 101, and my own coming-out story is pretty old hat, so much of the session was held on autopilot, as far as I'm concerned.
I don't exactly mind that we spent the session doing that, because I did say that I was depressed as a result of coming out, and it makes sense to clarify why I was depressed and how that panned out...given the overlap of symptoms and all. She agrees that my depression was "reactive" (I assume that's a clinical term?), meaning it was caused by the situation, not things going funky in my brain. Alright, good. She also said she's sorry that she can't put more of my personal story in her report, because... I'm not sure, she's thinks I'm noble and brave? I tune out that, "You're sooo brave to be dealing with this!" sh-t these days. I don't want to brush off anyone's admiration, but really...it's not that "brave" to be a trans guy these days, it's just life.
Pretty much the only thing I was interested in from that session was the fact that she's concerned about the ethical and legal position she thinks she might be in regarding how to refer to me, genderwise, in her report... I'll update on that if she says anything more about it. At this point, I think it comes down to "male" or just referring to me vaguely throughout as "the client."
I still feel a little like some time was wasted though, because I'm not sure why we devoted an entire two hours to that. So the last session was a bit of a letdown, considering how the second session was so revealing. Eh, what can you do - sometimes, I'm sure, it's fireworks, and either times it's just same-old.
But I was hoping that when I went for my fourth session Tuesday, it would be interesting. Maybe not as "ding!" as the second one, but more interesting than talking about being trans.
It just seemed to start badly. She asked if I had brought "the checklist." I panicked slightly, because if there's one thing I've been trying to avoid, it's being "too ADD" in her office. (I know that's bizarre, don't ask, I don't know...) I don't want to be late, or forget to bring something. Somehow, I guess I couldn't totally face her if I just became an ADDer fucking up. But I didn't recall being given another checklist.
(So far, I've done an LD one, and ADHD one, and the two assessments Mom and Dad filled out.)
Turns out she meant one of the ones I'd already returned. Okay, great.
She doesn't like the fact that I left questions blank. Some, of course, I just didn't understand and needed clarification on. Others, I seem to have left blank by accident. Some I refused to answer, and we spent a good chunk of the first half of the session wrestling over all of them, especially the last category.
One question I missed was, ironically, "lacks attention to detail." I didn't rate myself that highly when she handed me a pencil, though, as I don't really think it's an issue. (Stop laughing.) But after that, for basically every question I had failed to answer, she quipped, "Lacks attention to detail?" I don't know if she just considered it a running joke or what.
Then we had an argument over the "self-esteem" questions ("Is your self esteem lacking in regard to...academics, creativity, social relationships" - that sort of thing) because I had refused to answer them. I told her I don't consider self-esteem important.
Tip: Don't tell a therapist that! What an argument.
She finally got me to rate them by saying that I should think of it in terms of whether or not I'm satisfied with that area of my life. Fine, I can do that, but that's NOT self-esteem.
(I suppose I also do not like talking about whether or not I "feel bad about myself." That's a weird and uncomfortable conversation. But I also just plain object to the false importance placed on "self-esteem.")
She told me I seemed like I was in a bad mood, and asked me if I'd had a bad day - which I HADN'T. Whoo.
We talked some more about anxiety. Okay, that's fine. Except that she keeps saying I "deny" my anxiety, and that I "deny" self-esteem problems and a low opinion of myself. (This came up again when she asked me to rate how often I put myself down. "Put myself down" is another phrase like "self-esteem" that I hate.)
I don't like the word "denial." It implies something DELIBERATE. Saying someone is "repressing" their sexuality, and saying someone is "denying" their sexuality, for example, mean two entirely different things. I don't much like the implication that I'm "denying" any anxiety deliberately. I'm not. I don't perceive myself - or at least, I didn't until recently - as being anxious about anything.
Really, I gave her enough clues that this is standard M.O. where I'm concerned. I told her about how, when I was 16 and went to see my first therapist, she asked me if I was depressed and I honestly said no. (This was during a time when all I did was sleep, cry, and forget to bathe.) I honestly do not see these things; they aren't obvious to me.
So what's this "denial" shit?
Dr. Y said that the pattern she has seen is that I came in and told her that I'm not worried about anything. Then we talked, and she pointed out that I seemed worried about X or Y, and then I thought maybe I was a little worried. And then maybe I was more than a little worried. Etc.
She said, "It keeps coming back, and when that happens, there's usually something there." Which is a rather incomprehensible statement, but I got the idea.
Last session, she asked me if I worry about things when I'm not doing things I should be, or if I'm building sand castles. I said the latter, and she took that at face value.
Now she's interested in telling me that I don't build sand castles. She told me that she thinks I'm "dancing as fast as [I] can." I'd prefer it if she actually cared about my input. I may be unaware of my FEELINGS much of the time, but I can assure her that I am not so out of touch with my THOUGHTS.
Towards the end, we were just talking about anxiety, and I've blanked much of it out, so I don't remember what we were talking about except that I was grinding my teeth the whole time. NO, I REALLY DON'T REMEMBER. I REALLY DON'T KNOW. I fucking hate that she doesn't believe me when I say I DON'T KNOW, like it's just an excuse.
She asked me what my feelings were on what she had said, and I couldn't tell her. She asked me if I was annoyed, and at the time I said no, since I didn't feel annoyed, but boy, I'm annoyed now.
She kept insisting I had to tell her how I felt. How could I do that when I didn't have a clue how I was feeling? (And in fact, I was trying to feel something and not coming up with much.) She seemed to think I was holding out on her. I told her that the ideas she's posited (which I now can't remember!) were interesting and that I might run them by the fine people on lj.
"I don't care what the people on your blog think," was what she said.
"I care!"
...And then she said something about "the philosophy of intellectualization" which she wasn't interested in. What-the-fuck-ever.
We seemed to have a lexicon issue, in that "interesting" to me, is a HIGH compliment, and she just thought it was a distancing buzzword. (Which, funny, is like my opinion of "self-esteem" in a way.) I think she'd scoff at Myers-Briggs (and I couldn't entirely blame her for that), but I was tempted to mention that I'm an INTP, because I was so frustrated with her for trying to get me to function in a way that's alien to me.
And finally, she said:
"Every time I say something that should get a gut reaction from you, I don't get one."
I blinked.
"Okay," she said. "I guess you want to get out of here like, right now."
"Yes." (First solid response I could give on my "feelings" all evening.)
So she let me go. I hit the street level with those last words about gut reactions replaying multiple times in my head. By the time I'd gotten a couple of blocks, I was starting to get identifiably upset.
I thought about that:
She SHOULD have gotten a gut reaction? SHOULD? What is the implication in the fact that I didn't give her a response she SHOULD have gotten? Does that make me inferior?
And more: what SHOULD I have had a gut reaction to? Why does SHE get to decide?
Where does she get off suggesting that I SHOULD emote on-cue? And where does she get off telling me that I have to be able to state my feelings outright, without intellectually backing into them? It usually doesn't work like that for me.
Often, I don't know how I feel until I either SAY it, or TYPE it. That is, I type, "I'm angry," and realize it's true. (That's why "mood" is the last thing I enter before I post.) That's part of the reason I have an lj, but she doesn't seem to think "blogging" is a useful activity.
As far as I can remember, I've always been that way. Even if I HAVEN'T always been that way, I'm not sure how in Hades she expects me to change for her, in her office.
Eight hours after I left her office, I also realized I was deeply hurt that she brushed off my characterization of her ideas as "interesting." Like I said, that's a big compliment from me, and ignoring that is like saying, "Yeah, whatever," when I tell you that your earrings are the coolest thing I've seen all week.
So, really, I have my "gut reaction" now: HOW DARE SHE?!
...I just don't think it's what she was looking for.
Now what? I don't want to go back to her, but I kinda have to, and I know she's gonna want to talk about it some more next session. We only have one session left before she writes her report, so I know she's going to push.
*steam*
I didn't update over my third session with Dr. Y, mainly because there wasn't much to say. We spent the entire two-hour session talking about my coming-out story, basically. Ho-hum. Really, I can't say that made much of an impression on me, because I started coming out just before I turned 16, so it's now been about 5 years of water under the bridge. I'm used to Trans 101, and my own coming-out story is pretty old hat, so much of the session was held on autopilot, as far as I'm concerned.
I don't exactly mind that we spent the session doing that, because I did say that I was depressed as a result of coming out, and it makes sense to clarify why I was depressed and how that panned out...given the overlap of symptoms and all. She agrees that my depression was "reactive" (I assume that's a clinical term?), meaning it was caused by the situation, not things going funky in my brain. Alright, good. She also said she's sorry that she can't put more of my personal story in her report, because... I'm not sure, she's thinks I'm noble and brave? I tune out that, "You're sooo brave to be dealing with this!" sh-t these days. I don't want to brush off anyone's admiration, but really...it's not that "brave" to be a trans guy these days, it's just life.
Pretty much the only thing I was interested in from that session was the fact that she's concerned about the ethical and legal position she thinks she might be in regarding how to refer to me, genderwise, in her report... I'll update on that if she says anything more about it. At this point, I think it comes down to "male" or just referring to me vaguely throughout as "the client."
I still feel a little like some time was wasted though, because I'm not sure why we devoted an entire two hours to that. So the last session was a bit of a letdown, considering how the second session was so revealing. Eh, what can you do - sometimes, I'm sure, it's fireworks, and either times it's just same-old.
But I was hoping that when I went for my fourth session Tuesday, it would be interesting. Maybe not as "ding!" as the second one, but more interesting than talking about being trans.
It just seemed to start badly. She asked if I had brought "the checklist." I panicked slightly, because if there's one thing I've been trying to avoid, it's being "too ADD" in her office. (I know that's bizarre, don't ask, I don't know...) I don't want to be late, or forget to bring something. Somehow, I guess I couldn't totally face her if I just became an ADDer fucking up. But I didn't recall being given another checklist.
(So far, I've done an LD one, and ADHD one, and the two assessments Mom and Dad filled out.)
Turns out she meant one of the ones I'd already returned. Okay, great.
She doesn't like the fact that I left questions blank. Some, of course, I just didn't understand and needed clarification on. Others, I seem to have left blank by accident. Some I refused to answer, and we spent a good chunk of the first half of the session wrestling over all of them, especially the last category.
One question I missed was, ironically, "lacks attention to detail." I didn't rate myself that highly when she handed me a pencil, though, as I don't really think it's an issue. (Stop laughing.) But after that, for basically every question I had failed to answer, she quipped, "Lacks attention to detail?" I don't know if she just considered it a running joke or what.
Then we had an argument over the "self-esteem" questions ("Is your self esteem lacking in regard to...academics, creativity, social relationships" - that sort of thing) because I had refused to answer them. I told her I don't consider self-esteem important.
Tip: Don't tell a therapist that! What an argument.
She finally got me to rate them by saying that I should think of it in terms of whether or not I'm satisfied with that area of my life. Fine, I can do that, but that's NOT self-esteem.
(I suppose I also do not like talking about whether or not I "feel bad about myself." That's a weird and uncomfortable conversation. But I also just plain object to the false importance placed on "self-esteem.")
She told me I seemed like I was in a bad mood, and asked me if I'd had a bad day - which I HADN'T. Whoo.
We talked some more about anxiety. Okay, that's fine. Except that she keeps saying I "deny" my anxiety, and that I "deny" self-esteem problems and a low opinion of myself. (This came up again when she asked me to rate how often I put myself down. "Put myself down" is another phrase like "self-esteem" that I hate.)
I don't like the word "denial." It implies something DELIBERATE. Saying someone is "repressing" their sexuality, and saying someone is "denying" their sexuality, for example, mean two entirely different things. I don't much like the implication that I'm "denying" any anxiety deliberately. I'm not. I don't perceive myself - or at least, I didn't until recently - as being anxious about anything.
Really, I gave her enough clues that this is standard M.O. where I'm concerned. I told her about how, when I was 16 and went to see my first therapist, she asked me if I was depressed and I honestly said no. (This was during a time when all I did was sleep, cry, and forget to bathe.) I honestly do not see these things; they aren't obvious to me.
So what's this "denial" shit?
Dr. Y said that the pattern she has seen is that I came in and told her that I'm not worried about anything. Then we talked, and she pointed out that I seemed worried about X or Y, and then I thought maybe I was a little worried. And then maybe I was more than a little worried. Etc.
She said, "It keeps coming back, and when that happens, there's usually something there." Which is a rather incomprehensible statement, but I got the idea.
Last session, she asked me if I worry about things when I'm not doing things I should be, or if I'm building sand castles. I said the latter, and she took that at face value.
Now she's interested in telling me that I don't build sand castles. She told me that she thinks I'm "dancing as fast as [I] can." I'd prefer it if she actually cared about my input. I may be unaware of my FEELINGS much of the time, but I can assure her that I am not so out of touch with my THOUGHTS.
Towards the end, we were just talking about anxiety, and I've blanked much of it out, so I don't remember what we were talking about except that I was grinding my teeth the whole time. NO, I REALLY DON'T REMEMBER. I REALLY DON'T KNOW. I fucking hate that she doesn't believe me when I say I DON'T KNOW, like it's just an excuse.
She asked me what my feelings were on what she had said, and I couldn't tell her. She asked me if I was annoyed, and at the time I said no, since I didn't feel annoyed, but boy, I'm annoyed now.
She kept insisting I had to tell her how I felt. How could I do that when I didn't have a clue how I was feeling? (And in fact, I was trying to feel something and not coming up with much.) She seemed to think I was holding out on her. I told her that the ideas she's posited (which I now can't remember!) were interesting and that I might run them by the fine people on lj.
"I don't care what the people on your blog think," was what she said.
"I care!"
...And then she said something about "the philosophy of intellectualization" which she wasn't interested in. What-the-fuck-ever.
We seemed to have a lexicon issue, in that "interesting" to me, is a HIGH compliment, and she just thought it was a distancing buzzword. (Which, funny, is like my opinion of "self-esteem" in a way.) I think she'd scoff at Myers-Briggs (and I couldn't entirely blame her for that), but I was tempted to mention that I'm an INTP, because I was so frustrated with her for trying to get me to function in a way that's alien to me.
And finally, she said:
"Every time I say something that should get a gut reaction from you, I don't get one."
I blinked.
"Okay," she said. "I guess you want to get out of here like, right now."
"Yes." (First solid response I could give on my "feelings" all evening.)
So she let me go. I hit the street level with those last words about gut reactions replaying multiple times in my head. By the time I'd gotten a couple of blocks, I was starting to get identifiably upset.
I thought about that:
She SHOULD have gotten a gut reaction? SHOULD? What is the implication in the fact that I didn't give her a response she SHOULD have gotten? Does that make me inferior?
And more: what SHOULD I have had a gut reaction to? Why does SHE get to decide?
Where does she get off suggesting that I SHOULD emote on-cue? And where does she get off telling me that I have to be able to state my feelings outright, without intellectually backing into them? It usually doesn't work like that for me.
Often, I don't know how I feel until I either SAY it, or TYPE it. That is, I type, "I'm angry," and realize it's true. (That's why "mood" is the last thing I enter before I post.) That's part of the reason I have an lj, but she doesn't seem to think "blogging" is a useful activity.
As far as I can remember, I've always been that way. Even if I HAVEN'T always been that way, I'm not sure how in Hades she expects me to change for her, in her office.
Eight hours after I left her office, I also realized I was deeply hurt that she brushed off my characterization of her ideas as "interesting." Like I said, that's a big compliment from me, and ignoring that is like saying, "Yeah, whatever," when I tell you that your earrings are the coolest thing I've seen all week.
So, really, I have my "gut reaction" now: HOW DARE SHE?!
...I just don't think it's what she was looking for.
Now what? I don't want to go back to her, but I kinda have to, and I know she's gonna want to talk about it some more next session. We only have one session left before she writes her report, so I know she's going to push.
*steam*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-28 06:21 am (UTC)It seems like your relationship with Dr. Y is running sour. She's generalizing you... that's neither helpful nor fair. Maybe try a new therapist after she writes her report?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-28 06:47 am (UTC)I know when ever i'm trying to be precise I don't convey the right meaning because I hedge. When I was in the hospital my dad was chastising me because I was saying my "eye really hurt" mean while i'm rolling on the floor in agony, but I mean it didn't hurt as much as stabbing myself with a knife and bleeding to death so I hedged my answer and made the injury seem less than it really was. So perhaps, get this as a conundrum, you are anxious about appearing not anxious or too anxious.
once again I hope things go better (am I making up for my lack of posts yet?)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-28 11:22 am (UTC)That said, she does seem a bit miffy. I agree with
the gut reaction thing is odd, too. I generally have few gut reactions that anyone would notice. I'm far too practiced at keeping them below the surface where they won't be noticed. I prefer to think of the "gut reaction" as more of an indicator for me to pay attention to something that is happening, so that I can get some kind of information or clue as to 1.) why I'm bothered, 2.) what it means, and 3.) how I can overcome the obstacle.
Like if someone makes a racist statement or something... I might have a strong gut reaction, but I'll remain fairly inscrutable. Instead of fighting them or expressing my disapproval, I'll just file away the new information I have on them in my internal dossiers.
er... anyway.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-28 02:32 pm (UTC)Okay, gotta run.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-30 12:00 pm (UTC)Denial is a very specific psychological term and generally indicates that your mind... your psyche, if you will, is not allowing your conscious mind to *know* something, as a matter of protection. It's very much an unconscious act that ends up in your not seeing things that other people may see quite plainly, or not acknowledging something that is, to others, obvious.
Repression is more general, and tends to indicate that you may, in fact, know something but don't think about it because it is too painful or difficult. It can be conscious or unconscious.
Denial does have a lay usage, where you "refuse" something, as in denying someone entrance into your castle or something, but that's not exactly the same as the psychological use. That usage is definitely a conscious act.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-29 02:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-30 12:04 pm (UTC)Hrmmmm...
Date: 2005-11-29 04:02 am (UTC)I get what you're saying WRT not knowing how you feel until you say/type it... And I find it scary how little I can "see" until it's pointed out to me WRT my feelings about my parents (I've always been a little too emotionally involved in their relationship)... I can "see" most things now, but not how I really feel about them... It's tough... Hmmmmmm...
Re: Hrmmmm...
Date: 2005-11-29 08:18 pm (UTC)I just plain don't know who to deal with this woman. I'm not purposely being a pain in the ass, you know?