Money problems and addiction
Nov. 15th, 2002 12:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiI got my bank statement for last month. *gulp*
I've gone through $200 in a month! Of course, I still have several thousand dollars in my bank account, but that doesn't change the fact that $200 in a month is a Very Bad Thing, indeed.
So I am sitting down, and I am going to come up with some spending-busting strategies so I can stop spending so much. And then I am going to try my HARDEST to implement them.
But...I'm not sure how well that's going to work, as long as I don't deal with the underlying problems.
The thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm something of a spendaholic. And a foodaholic. Hell, with those holics, I'm not sure what I was doing trying to preach to Nick about his drinking.
I think there is a part of me that strongly believes that if I haven't BOUGHT something, it's not good enough. I'm not sure where that comes from - maybe from being barely more than white trash when I was a kid, and getting told that everything was too expensive, and we had to make do. I don't want something if it's not the best that money can buy; I'm tired of making do. I want things to gleam and shine and squeak with newness, and smell green. If I have the money, I feel almost compelled to spend it on something so I can appreciate it being new and fresh and expensive.
Hell, when I was in jr. high, I used to stretch my allowance by leaving my money at home on my bedspread, because I knew that if I took it with me, I would spend it ALL. And it was very, very hard to leave it.
(A solution, then, would be to leave my debit card at home. Hmm.)
I know I spend when I shouldn't. I've known that for a long time. I just can't seem to fix it.
I bring my lunch to school most days, and often end up not eating it. I look at it, and throw it in the trash. It's not good enough, my head says, and then I go buy lunch. And often, I buy more food then I really want or need, and I buy the most expensive dish on the menu. And I ask for all the extras - gravy, bacon, whatever - just to show that I can afford to toss in the extra $0.50 and not be thrifty about it.
Lately, I've been trying to force myself to eat my lunch that I bring, and I've largely been successful at that. But then what do I do? I go buy more food anyway. Somehow, I don't feel full until I've eaten food I've bought, and a sandwich from home feels like feathers in my stomach - mentally, I am convinced that a sandwich is not adequate.
And now we get into food addiction.
All I can say is that if it weren't for my insane metabolism, I wouldn't be 120 lbs. I feel a little guilty about that, and I also feel like time is ticking before my bod slows waaaay down (they do that in my family) and I balloon like crazy. It's happened to nearly everyone on my mother's side, and I am desperate to avoid it.
I don't feel "full" until I am about ready to puke, or closer than that. I eat until I start to feel sick, and then I eat MORE. I eat when I'm totally bored.
The worst thing is - I HATE eating. I really do. I loathe it. Part of the motivation of eating junk foods I know and like the taste of is that it removes the requirement of thinking about what's going into my mouth. I don't eat because I like eating, I eat because I feel like something inside of me is full at JUST the moment it hits my stomach, and I eat more to keep getting that feeling.
Because of what I DO with food (shove it down) and because of a number of other things, I feel like eating is just...dirty. It's worse than jacking off for how time-wasting it is, and the lack of control behind it.
In our house, eating more than your alloted share is "stealing" food, and it makes you you a disgusting creature for not controlling your appetite. Both me and my sister have developed neurotic strategies for how to hide "stealing" and eating food. Just eating at the dinner table puts you under such scrutiny in the battle ground; I feel a little ill eating in front of other people.
Ironically, I DON'T tend to eat when I actually AM hungry. I feel better ignoring it, somehow. I don't have an explanation for that one.
I don't know what to do to fix how I feel about all of this; I wish there was some easy solution that didn't require me to struggle with this constant self-examination that gets me nowhere.
I've gone through $200 in a month! Of course, I still have several thousand dollars in my bank account, but that doesn't change the fact that $200 in a month is a Very Bad Thing, indeed.
So I am sitting down, and I am going to come up with some spending-busting strategies so I can stop spending so much. And then I am going to try my HARDEST to implement them.
But...I'm not sure how well that's going to work, as long as I don't deal with the underlying problems.
The thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm something of a spendaholic. And a foodaholic. Hell, with those holics, I'm not sure what I was doing trying to preach to Nick about his drinking.
I think there is a part of me that strongly believes that if I haven't BOUGHT something, it's not good enough. I'm not sure where that comes from - maybe from being barely more than white trash when I was a kid, and getting told that everything was too expensive, and we had to make do. I don't want something if it's not the best that money can buy; I'm tired of making do. I want things to gleam and shine and squeak with newness, and smell green. If I have the money, I feel almost compelled to spend it on something so I can appreciate it being new and fresh and expensive.
Hell, when I was in jr. high, I used to stretch my allowance by leaving my money at home on my bedspread, because I knew that if I took it with me, I would spend it ALL. And it was very, very hard to leave it.
(A solution, then, would be to leave my debit card at home. Hmm.)
I know I spend when I shouldn't. I've known that for a long time. I just can't seem to fix it.
I bring my lunch to school most days, and often end up not eating it. I look at it, and throw it in the trash. It's not good enough, my head says, and then I go buy lunch. And often, I buy more food then I really want or need, and I buy the most expensive dish on the menu. And I ask for all the extras - gravy, bacon, whatever - just to show that I can afford to toss in the extra $0.50 and not be thrifty about it.
Lately, I've been trying to force myself to eat my lunch that I bring, and I've largely been successful at that. But then what do I do? I go buy more food anyway. Somehow, I don't feel full until I've eaten food I've bought, and a sandwich from home feels like feathers in my stomach - mentally, I am convinced that a sandwich is not adequate.
And now we get into food addiction.
All I can say is that if it weren't for my insane metabolism, I wouldn't be 120 lbs. I feel a little guilty about that, and I also feel like time is ticking before my bod slows waaaay down (they do that in my family) and I balloon like crazy. It's happened to nearly everyone on my mother's side, and I am desperate to avoid it.
I don't feel "full" until I am about ready to puke, or closer than that. I eat until I start to feel sick, and then I eat MORE. I eat when I'm totally bored.
The worst thing is - I HATE eating. I really do. I loathe it. Part of the motivation of eating junk foods I know and like the taste of is that it removes the requirement of thinking about what's going into my mouth. I don't eat because I like eating, I eat because I feel like something inside of me is full at JUST the moment it hits my stomach, and I eat more to keep getting that feeling.
Because of what I DO with food (shove it down) and because of a number of other things, I feel like eating is just...dirty. It's worse than jacking off for how time-wasting it is, and the lack of control behind it.
In our house, eating more than your alloted share is "stealing" food, and it makes you you a disgusting creature for not controlling your appetite. Both me and my sister have developed neurotic strategies for how to hide "stealing" and eating food. Just eating at the dinner table puts you under such scrutiny in the battle ground; I feel a little ill eating in front of other people.
Ironically, I DON'T tend to eat when I actually AM hungry. I feel better ignoring it, somehow. I don't have an explanation for that one.
I don't know what to do to fix how I feel about all of this; I wish there was some easy solution that didn't require me to struggle with this constant self-examination that gets me nowhere.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: IMHO
Date: 2003-02-07 05:59 am (UTC);)