"It's the first day of school and I'm already failing..."

[beandelphiki]

Okay, to take a moment out to talk about ME ME ME:

My instructors are complete assholes. COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLES. Last Thursday - half-way through the day - my section of the Print Major program received notice that our Friday's class had been impulsively re-scheduled. It was pushed back TWO HOURS.

Guess where I had to be? That's right, at work! So I missed the class.

Then I open up my email and find out that the first story, with pictures, is due NEXT FRIDAY at fucking 8:00 a.m. (no lates accepted, no make-up). WITH a hard copy of our stories and photos. Oh yes, and "please consider shooting video." Are they fucking INSANE?

What's the assignment? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. It's on the O drive - the student server, which is NOT accessible off-campus. I have to wait until TUESDAY to even find out what the assignment IS, unless people I emailed send me the assignment. But I can't count on that.

Then I have three days to find a story and angle, interview people, take pictures and photoshop them, write the story and get to a lab to print off my photos. Never mind the fact that no one in our program has a working KEY to get into the fucking labs. And they KNOW that.

And I have to work this week.

I'm so stressed right now, I think I can feel my hair falling out strand by strand.

I hate this program. I don't WANT to be a journalist anymore, if I ever did. I don't want to be the person who is being hated on when a Katrina blows through. ("Little fuckers, all they're worrying about is their goddamn ratings!") I don't want to be out trying to swallow my social anxiety to try and get stories from people that I don't care about.

I had my chin up about this semester. I was trying to be so positive about this. I know that I have weaknesses that nearly caused me to fail last semester - okay! Let's deal with that!

I know I have problems breaking things down. I know I basically am totally unable to picture a calender in my head, or sequence things on it. That's okay, I'll get an organizational calender, one of those HUGE ones to put on my wall. And I'll use that to help me plan and organize my time.

I know I have trouble waking up in the morning. Okay, I'll push back my whole schedule to get there on time, and I'll eat breakfast when I get to school, or on the train, so I'm not late.

I know I have trouble paying attention. Okay, I'll get lots of sleep, and keep all distractions out of my work area, and jiggle like crazy, and put my whole brain into hearing what's said and getting it down.

Speaking of that, I know I have trouble getting things down, what with my short auditory memory. Okay, I'll have my Post-It program up and running, and I'll jot things down on it to deal with that, and transfer it later if I have to. No fiddling with Word or a notebook, or crap.

And then...the calender keeps falling off the wall. Okay, I'll get stronger tape.

And then...I STILL manage to miss crucial assignments in class. Okay (just thought of this!) I'm going to get "buddies" in every class to help me, and I'll ask them what the assignments were so I don't miss anything.

And then...my memory is still so bad that I can't write things down before I forget them. Okay, I'll ask someone.

And then...I still struggle to stay on task. Okay, I'll stay at the school until 5:00, 6:00, 7:00, 8:00, however long it takes to get it done.

AND THEN THIS.

I can't DEAL. I am seriously falling apart, and I want to cry. I want to do much more drastic things than cry, but I'm not ready to give up yet, and I don't want to freak out my friends list.

But it's only the first week, and as hard as I'm trying, I'm already drowning. I can't fail, or I will lose my father's financial support, and I just can't manage without that. I don't make enough money.

I just don't know what to do.

(In retrospect, cross-posted to adults_add)

Comments

[haleth.livejournal.com]

augh. Ok, so I dropped out/switched majors about, um, 5 times. So I'm not much help encouraging you to stick it out. Want to say one thing, though, about I know I have trouble paying attention. Okay, I'll get lots of sleep, and keep all distractions out of my work area, and jiggle like crazy, and put my whole brain into hearing what's said and getting it down.

I have a lot of trouble paying attention and staying on task, especially with auditory, um, anything. That uses one part of my brain, and the rest isn't useful for processing that kind of information, and goes wandering off and pretty soon I'm focused on something completely different. I can't pay attention to what I'm hearing unless I have something to occupy but not distract the rest of me. Doodling was always good, kept eyes and hands busy, but then I couldn't take notes (but I'd remember what I heard better than if I'd tried to write it down - writing kept me focused on the words and not the meaning, and I could never write fast enough to get all the words down so I wasn't able to go back and read notes for the meaning). What I'm saying is, keeping all distractions out of work area might not be the best thing to do. It might leave your mind a lot of room to wander. Maybe carefully choose your distractions to not impact part of brain you'll be using but keep the rest of it entertained but not so engaged that you end up devoting all your attention to the distraction. Hmm. I should try that, too. lol. *hugs* good luck!

[emptygirl.livejournal.com]

beautifulsouls_

i hope you don't mind this!

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

ok, 1 - breathe.
2 - see 1.

Blowing things all up isn't going to make you feel better or be able to work better. Know that everyone in your class is in -almost- the same boat. They may not be in the exact same boat, but they very well may be in their own version of a boat, if you catch my drift.

That said, you're not failing. You can do whatever they ask you to do. It may not be 100% as you'd like it, but you can surely jury rig something that will get you a passing grade.

It sounds like you're making a lot of allowances for things that might hinder your success, and that's good. I know sometimes it seems like 1 more setback will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but really, it's only what it is: 1 setback. If you've overcome 10 already, then 1 more will be something you're well able to conquer.

If you take something like missing a class, and decide that that event might cause you to lose everything: your grades, your financial support, your entire future, then it will surely seem like the most devastating thing that could ever have happened to you. That view alone may make it impossible for you to rationally work your way past the problem.

I know you know all this, and this is really unhelpful and only marginally supportive, but I hope in reality that it does help in some way... maybe not for this one event, but maybe for the one after.

And, I don't think you're going to end up a weatherman... there are varied aspects to journalism, and I'm sure if you choose to you'll be able to find your own niche.

also......... and this might not be what you wanted to think about... but any thoughts about going to the school counseling center and a doctor? Those 2 can be very powerful resources when school itself - I mean the mortar and brick edifice that represents the framework of the educational system - is overwhelming.
[god, and this is an aside, I remember the time years and years ago when I used to be able to write things that made sense to more people than myself. It really hurts to write things down that you know don't convey the whole meaning of what you wanted to say, the way you wanted to say it, because your aged decrepit mind is wholly unable to encode an alternative statement or set of statements that... um.. nevermind.]

What I mean is that if a doctor says *A* and you tell the counseling department and have a doctor's note, then they have to do anything and everything in their power to accommodate you. In fact, most of the time it's YOU who, along with your doctor's advice, determine exactly which accommodations you want and need, and the school merely has to follow your suggestions.

anyway... that and some medications (I should talk) might take a huge amount of the stress out of the whole educational process for you. I mean, you know as well as I do that it isn't the learning things or figuring things out that is a problem for you, it's just the mindless -one size fits all- system of hoops that they make you jump through to get there that is the problem. Their hoops don't really work for you, but that doesn't mean that you should be disallowed that key that others readily take up, especially when you could do so much with it.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

nice... very sensitive and oh so insightful.

I'm only holding back on you because this isn't my journal.
consider yourself spared.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

I don't mind. Those communities can be a lot of temptation, and I know they all require that advertising thing. I might check it out when I have time.

Also, please ignore any other comments on this, I'll deal with them. I know a lot of people find this sort of thing annoying, and siegeengine is very protective of his wife and me and other friends; I'll tell him I don't mind. He's sweet, but turns into a bear if he thinks any of his friends are even being annoyed. (Side apology to Frank for discussing you like you're not here...)

I don't want a fight!

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Please, it's okay. *hugs* We go way back on lj. No fights, okay?

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

That's really good advice, and that's partially why I jiggle - I cannot think if I'm not moving.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Whew, okay. I really want to respond to this, but I have to get up for work and it's like...3:30 here.

This is all really true, and I thank you for this. The thing that really bothers me is that if I can't get it done, I don't know what that F will mean. I don't know if this is a course where I CAN take an F and not flunk.

*hugs*

Oh, also...I am waiting around for someone who is SUPPOSED to assess me to finish processing my forms and get back to me. *taps fingers*

[emptygirl.livejournal.com]

you're right actually, this promo didn't belong here, and certainly not on this entry. I promise I wasn't trying to offend at ALL :(

siegeengineyou had every right to be upset, because this was very thoughtless of me.
Please accept my apology..

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

no worries. sorry, I didn't really have any right to jump on you.
*hugs*

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Anyway, you're right about the setback thing. Actually, the whole comment is just Truth. It calmed me down a lot to read. I know that I have a tendency to overload on "one thing more." But I'm okay now.


And...do you really think it's you getting older? You aren't that old. I hate to suggest this, but it could be the meds.

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

as much as I love to blame things on meds... I haven't actually taken them for almost 3 months now. I think it's probably more a lack of use issue than anything, plus the fact that I usually post at around 4 in the morning.

...

actually I notice this one was around 0830. There were a number of nights there when I didn't get to sleep until around 9 or 10am... then I usually have to get up in a few hours to go to work.

anyway... that's probably it.