"It's the first day of school and I'm already failing..."

[beandelphiki]

Okay, to take a moment out to talk about ME ME ME:

My instructors are complete assholes. COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLES. Last Thursday - half-way through the day - my section of the Print Major program received notice that our Friday's class had been impulsively re-scheduled. It was pushed back TWO HOURS.

Guess where I had to be? That's right, at work! So I missed the class.

Then I open up my email and find out that the first story, with pictures, is due NEXT FRIDAY at fucking 8:00 a.m. (no lates accepted, no make-up). WITH a hard copy of our stories and photos. Oh yes, and "please consider shooting video." Are they fucking INSANE?

What's the assignment? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. It's on the O drive - the student server, which is NOT accessible off-campus. I have to wait until TUESDAY to even find out what the assignment IS, unless people I emailed send me the assignment. But I can't count on that.

Then I have three days to find a story and angle, interview people, take pictures and photoshop them, write the story and get to a lab to print off my photos. Never mind the fact that no one in our program has a working KEY to get into the fucking labs. And they KNOW that.

And I have to work this week.

I'm so stressed right now, I think I can feel my hair falling out strand by strand.

I hate this program. I don't WANT to be a journalist anymore, if I ever did. I don't want to be the person who is being hated on when a Katrina blows through. ("Little fuckers, all they're worrying about is their goddamn ratings!") I don't want to be out trying to swallow my social anxiety to try and get stories from people that I don't care about.

I had my chin up about this semester. I was trying to be so positive about this. I know that I have weaknesses that nearly caused me to fail last semester - okay! Let's deal with that!

I know I have problems breaking things down. I know I basically am totally unable to picture a calender in my head, or sequence things on it. That's okay, I'll get an organizational calender, one of those HUGE ones to put on my wall. And I'll use that to help me plan and organize my time.

I know I have trouble waking up in the morning. Okay, I'll push back my whole schedule to get there on time, and I'll eat breakfast when I get to school, or on the train, so I'm not late.

I know I have trouble paying attention. Okay, I'll get lots of sleep, and keep all distractions out of my work area, and jiggle like crazy, and put my whole brain into hearing what's said and getting it down.

Speaking of that, I know I have trouble getting things down, what with my short auditory memory. Okay, I'll have my Post-It program up and running, and I'll jot things down on it to deal with that, and transfer it later if I have to. No fiddling with Word or a notebook, or crap.

And then...the calender keeps falling off the wall. Okay, I'll get stronger tape.

And then...I STILL manage to miss crucial assignments in class. Okay (just thought of this!) I'm going to get "buddies" in every class to help me, and I'll ask them what the assignments were so I don't miss anything.

And then...my memory is still so bad that I can't write things down before I forget them. Okay, I'll ask someone.

And then...I still struggle to stay on task. Okay, I'll stay at the school until 5:00, 6:00, 7:00, 8:00, however long it takes to get it done.

AND THEN THIS.

I can't DEAL. I am seriously falling apart, and I want to cry. I want to do much more drastic things than cry, but I'm not ready to give up yet, and I don't want to freak out my friends list.

But it's only the first week, and as hard as I'm trying, I'm already drowning. I can't fail, or I will lose my father's financial support, and I just can't manage without that. I don't make enough money.

I just don't know what to do.

(In retrospect, cross-posted to adults_add)