March in lockstep, just like me

[beandelphiki]

*All of this has probably been said many times before by other people, but I thought I'd sort it all out for myself.*

I have come to the conclusion that I don't really like passing pages anymore. Well, I used to check them out religiously, but did I ever really "like" them, per se? I guess not.

Passing IS important to me, except I'm not sure I think of it as "passing." I look like a boy because I am a boy, does that change if I wear a dress? Nope. But I want other people to see me for who I am, and dressing like a sk8er boy, that's just my self-expression. I wouldn't call that passing, but I don't know what I'd call it instead. I don't want people to confuse me with something I'm not; so in a way, I guess we all attempt to "pass" for something. Just trying to make other people see us for what we are.

Ugh, I should stop trying to sound smart.

I'm finding I object to passing pages on so many levels. I still think it is a good thing to be able to find resources for binding and packing. I don't need those currently - I'm doing okay in that regard - but if I needed help again, I'd like to know those things are there.

But passing pages have a whole lot more than that. How to wear your hair - excuse me? Hair Nazis? If I have bangs, I've committed a cardinal sin, it seems. How to dress..."don't wear leather jackets. Dress preppy to distinguish yourself from butch lesbians." Pfftness, I'll wear what I feel cool wearing.

"Voice" bugs me...I think the very first passing page I ever ran across was "Andy's", the one you can find on FTM International. This was closing in on two years ago, and at the time I didn't have an lj...or a profile at PlanetOut...or anything that would help me meet other FTMs. But I remember reading about how you should make your voice a monotone, basically, because "real" men don't let their voices fluctuate, or "at least not heterosexual men!" I remember reading that, and I was a tad annoyed, thinking, "So this is assuming I'm straight?"

Those books on "Gender Dysphoria" I got at the library might have been full of crap, but if they taught me one thing correctly, it's that not all of us are straight. And while those books didn't have any explicit explanations to the effect of, "this means not all FTMs are matching Ken dolls, this means that not all FTMs want to be quote unquote 'manly' - even if they are straight - this means that FTMs are not cookie cutter, and are as messy and heterogeneous as everyone else," I got that basic idea well enough.

So now when I look at those passing pages I clung to - yes I did - when I was first coming out, I am acutely aware of how much bull they are, and how much they feed into what oppresses us so much in the first place.

Tips on "mannerisms" drive me insane and always did...why does anyone add that??!?!? It bugs me to read, "Develop a masculine walk." I've had one all my life, you dipshit, that's what used to get me tested in the playground...and while I can't imagine wanting to have a walk that's NOT masculine, I'll throw in the token observation that not everyone wants to learn to swagger. Ditto for "the right way to look at your nails."

The first time I was annoyed by that, I thought, "Well, anyone who doesn't naturally move and act like a guy, why do they think they ARE guys? Don't we know we're guys because we don't need to LEARN these things, they're just NATURAL to us?" I don't think exactly like that now, (although it's sometimes interesting to look back and see how my perceptions of transness have changed) but the most basic idea is still there, in my head: Why should we let anyone tell us what to do, how to act? That is just like moving from one closet into another.

I read, "Go sit on a park bench, and observe, observe, observe. Take notes on how men act, how they walk and talk and interact." (Something like that, anyway, this is paraphrased.) I was so stupid, you know what? One day I actually DID IT.

It took me about ten minutes to realize what a waste of my time this was. There was not a thing I could learn by watching guys - like monkeys in a zoo - that I had not already picked up and absorbed more naturally. Anything I did not like, I had - I realized - picked up on, considered, and dropped.

So this "passing pages" thing - it's like a disease, everyone who starts a webpage has to have one. Probably the best one I've seen is Nick North's, purely for attitude. (I'll get the link later, if anyone who's read this far cares to see it.)

What good does this do any of us, waving around banners that say, "act like this, dress like this, talk like this, walk like this!"? All we are doing is regurgitating the lies of a system that screwed us over to begin with.

I'm not the most intelligent guy around...I'm sure there are people like Ray who could say everything I want to say that much more eloquently. I'm not Mr. "Understands-all-the-social-implications" - it frustrates me I can't explain exactly how I want to how fucked the whole idea behind passing pages is.

But I tried. le sigh.