I need a stress ball to pop
Jun. 6th, 2002 10:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiI just popped by Pat's new journal to check out his friends page JUST to see what it looked like to have Lester and I alternating entries...whoo, trippy. *shakes head* I'm losing it today.
I've been thinking about that colorgenics test, and how accurate it was about how stressed out I am, stretched to the max...this is something that's been on my mind recently. I feel stretched too thin, out of resources. I feel too vulnerable.
In all honesty, my life has always been a mildly stinky form of crap. I haven't dealt with huge things like having tons of people die or something, but I can't say it's ever been a bowl of cherries... Harassed at school, sexually abused/assaulted by 5 different people, my parents SUCK, and now realizing I'm trans. And that has not been a good thing.
Oh, being a BOY has made me very happy. But being trans has been nothing but a mess. More harassment than I ever needed, plunging grades, dropping out of school...all of which adds stress to an already stressed out home. Bah. I seriously feel that dealing with my transition is taking up the last few shreds of my inner defenses.
Just a little while ago, I had a mini-crisis. I haven't been playing soccer this season (I'll prolly be too busy from now on...bye bye soccer *sniffs*) but last season I was having problems with my feet. I would run and feel this stabbing pain in the soles of my feet. I had a discussion with my mother about it one night, and she informed me that it was most likely I had inherited her family's foot condition...where the muscles on the bottoms of your feet detach. Extremely early onset for that.
I went up to my room and started crying, thinking I would soon not be able to play soccer any more, and then I was bawling, imagining crazy things like ending up in a wheelchair by the age of 26. I totally LOST IT. I'm thinking I've cried more in the last couple of months than I have cried in the whole rest of my lifetime, total. I was bloody ready to kill myself over muscles on the bottoms of my feet.
This is why I think I'm in a very vulnerable place right now.
Now, the last few months have been good, and I have not been suicidal in weeks, a record for me (go me!), but if I stop and think for a moment, that fragility is still there, underlying everything. I think another life crisis would finish me off.
I'm worried. Please, let nothing bad happen to me for a while. According to probability, I should have more than a decade of good luck coming to me, can I have some now, please?
I've been thinking about that colorgenics test, and how accurate it was about how stressed out I am, stretched to the max...this is something that's been on my mind recently. I feel stretched too thin, out of resources. I feel too vulnerable.
In all honesty, my life has always been a mildly stinky form of crap. I haven't dealt with huge things like having tons of people die or something, but I can't say it's ever been a bowl of cherries... Harassed at school, sexually abused/assaulted by 5 different people, my parents SUCK, and now realizing I'm trans. And that has not been a good thing.
Oh, being a BOY has made me very happy. But being trans has been nothing but a mess. More harassment than I ever needed, plunging grades, dropping out of school...all of which adds stress to an already stressed out home. Bah. I seriously feel that dealing with my transition is taking up the last few shreds of my inner defenses.
Just a little while ago, I had a mini-crisis. I haven't been playing soccer this season (I'll prolly be too busy from now on...bye bye soccer *sniffs*) but last season I was having problems with my feet. I would run and feel this stabbing pain in the soles of my feet. I had a discussion with my mother about it one night, and she informed me that it was most likely I had inherited her family's foot condition...where the muscles on the bottoms of your feet detach. Extremely early onset for that.
I went up to my room and started crying, thinking I would soon not be able to play soccer any more, and then I was bawling, imagining crazy things like ending up in a wheelchair by the age of 26. I totally LOST IT. I'm thinking I've cried more in the last couple of months than I have cried in the whole rest of my lifetime, total. I was bloody ready to kill myself over muscles on the bottoms of my feet.
This is why I think I'm in a very vulnerable place right now.
Now, the last few months have been good, and I have not been suicidal in weeks, a record for me (go me!), but if I stop and think for a moment, that fragility is still there, underlying everything. I think another life crisis would finish me off.
I'm worried. Please, let nothing bad happen to me for a while. According to probability, I should have more than a decade of good luck coming to me, can I have some now, please?
