I need a stress ball to pop

[beandelphiki]

I just popped by Pat's new journal to check out his friends page JUST to see what it looked like to have Lester and I alternating entries...whoo, trippy. *shakes head* I'm losing it today.

I've been thinking about that colorgenics test, and how accurate it was about how stressed out I am, stretched to the max...this is something that's been on my mind recently. I feel stretched too thin, out of resources. I feel too vulnerable.

In all honesty, my life has always been a mildly stinky form of crap. I haven't dealt with huge things like having tons of people die or something, but I can't say it's ever been a bowl of cherries... Harassed at school, sexually abused/assaulted by 5 different people, my parents SUCK, and now realizing I'm trans. And that has not been a good thing.

Oh, being a BOY has made me very happy. But being trans has been nothing but a mess. More harassment than I ever needed, plunging grades, dropping out of school...all of which adds stress to an already stressed out home. Bah. I seriously feel that dealing with my transition is taking up the last few shreds of my inner defenses.

Just a little while ago, I had a mini-crisis. I haven't been playing soccer this season (I'll prolly be too busy from now on...bye bye soccer *sniffs*) but last season I was having problems with my feet. I would run and feel this stabbing pain in the soles of my feet. I had a discussion with my mother about it one night, and she informed me that it was most likely I had inherited her family's foot condition...where the muscles on the bottoms of your feet detach. Extremely early onset for that.

I went up to my room and started crying, thinking I would soon not be able to play soccer any more, and then I was bawling, imagining crazy things like ending up in a wheelchair by the age of 26. I totally LOST IT. I'm thinking I've cried more in the last couple of months than I have cried in the whole rest of my lifetime, total. I was bloody ready to kill myself over muscles on the bottoms of my feet.

This is why I think I'm in a very vulnerable place right now.

Now, the last few months have been good, and I have not been suicidal in weeks, a record for me (go me!), but if I stop and think for a moment, that fragility is still there, underlying everything. I think another life crisis would finish me off.

I'm worried. Please, let nothing bad happen to me for a while. According to probability, I should have more than a decade of good luck coming to me, can I have some now, please?

Comments

[groovycat.livejournal.com]

-hugs-

if there's anything i can do, if you ever want to vent, just send me an email.

[abalorn.livejournal.com]

duno if it helps much or not but i love ya for who and what you are, and hell i mean if nothing else, which really isn't a nuffin else because your damn interesting, i mean who else do i have to make fun of me in math... well i guess theres fae.... and theres aaron... but still you do it more often.. but yeah if nuffin else ya keep things interestin which is more than i can say about a lot of peopel

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

I make fun of you in science, too.

[fanelia.livejournal.com]

I think for a lot of people..it's always like that.

Youre not alone, balanced on the edge of the cliffs staring down. Everyone I hope, gets pushed up to that point to see the ground below sometimes...I hope they all get there to that point. But the important thing is that you can see it, you understand what could happen, instead of being blissfully ignorant about the fact.

I don't know much else, except that the world can't hit you that hard over the head without picking you up, derek is a prime example of that.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

You always have a real way way with words. ^_^

*hugz*