Shrink Day. Uggh.

[beandelphiki]

[The following is a blow-by-blow account of a therapy session. Probably uninteresting to most readers.]

So today when I went to see Dr. Miles we spent most of it talking about spirituality and siegeengine. (Not necessarily all in relation to each other.)


I know, I know. I wasn't going to mention Frank. At all. I'm sure I've said that. I really wasn't planning to. Except that...

We started talking about spirituality and my "spiritual sense of myself as masculine" and a whole bunch of other New Age bullcrap. I'm getting this sense he's stuck thinking that I'm at some stage where I really am not sure about being a guy and yada yada. I've tried, numerous times now, to get it through his thick skull that I AM a guy, you could not convince me of it otherwise, and can we just get ON with it already? Naw, I have to first convince HIM that I'm a guy. I didn't realize it worked like that.

So, he gets that I'm skittish around the word "spiritual" and have a tendency to write off anything described by that word as total idiocy. So now I have another homework assignment (on top of finally writing my autobio, which he's desperate to see) - he wants me to read this book called Journey of the Peaceful Warrior, so I understand this "spiritual" stuff he's talking about. I agreed to read it, but if it really is something my atheist self is going to find squicky, I guess I'll have to tell him "no can do."

So at that point...we got into a discussion of my masculinity and my spirituality and "discoveries about your sexual orientation."

At which point I think I blushed violently, and he said, "What's that about?"



So I had to explain Frank. He got me to tell him the whole story, which I did as best I could. [With the exception of mentioning the mess we had a few weeks ago (which I felt it best not to mention) and the story of an anon comment I left in Frank's journal once (as I'm too embarrassed to even think about that, let alone talk about it.)]

He wanted to warn me about the possibility that Frank is a creep, so I added that - assuming all information is correct - I have his (their) address, his (their) home phone number, his work number, his email and haleth's email.

He seemed fairly satisfied with that, except that he now wanted to hear about haleth...who I had kinda neglected to mention somehow. (Given that I didn't even know how he'd react to the idea of Frank in the first place.)

I explained that we're poly, which precipitated him going off on long-winded musings about some of his other poly clients (whew!) including a FMF triad and a relationship with one women who rotates through four guys.

Blah, blah. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable interrupting him, which doesn't seem fair. Since this is on my dollar. (Well, my mother's and our insurer.) I never know what to do about it though, especially as I never have much to say. His questions are irritatingly vague - I always have to ask, "What do you mean?" And I don't really want to answer his questions to begin with. I just want to get on T. And be left alone. *sigh*


So now I have another book to read. The Lifestyle. Evidently about being poly. *shrug* Lord, I hope it's not out of date. He told me that's a good book for me to read, especially in my position of inexperience. (He wrote down on his notepad my statement that I've never been in a relationship before, and he kept underlining it, over and over, while we talked.) He said that it will take me through poly relationships intellectually, so I can understand that better.

He asked me what my "boundaries" are. I asked him what he meant, and got a scolding. "Dan! Everyone has boundaries!"

Well, yes, I know that, and I'm not saying I don't. I have boundaries regarding my birth name and when it's acceptable for someone to mention it. (If I mention it first, otherwise, ask. In fact, just asking if you can use it for some reason is probably best in all situations.) I have boundaries regarding sex. (No getting fucked in the front hole. The rest is negotiable.) But what kind of boundaries did he MEAN? Like I said, irritatingly vague. I'm not going to bring up something like sex unless I HAVE to.

He said I might have boundaries about how much time Frank spends with me vs. Ann Marie, which just had me looking at him. I pointed out that since Frank LIVES with Ann Marie, and can only talk to me online at the moment, he is naturally going to spend more time with her - and if I had an issue with that, I think I could consider myself pathologically jealous. Regardless, I said, I like haleth and am not particularly jealous of her. And she was first. Sorry, but I still have this thing - first come, first serve. (Uh. Not to make anyone sound like a buffet course, or something. Eh.)

Okay, okay, good, he says. But I still have to be sensitive to my needs in this relationship, and I have to be aware of how I feel about Ann Marie being Frank's primary and blah blah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vhatever.

Yes, I know she is his primary. No, I do not mind. Yes, he is my primary at the moment. Yes, I will be aware when that's not "meeting my needs." Yes, I will likely want a girlfriend as a primary of my own. No, not now.

Back to sexuality. He asked me if we'd discussed orientation. Erg. More blushing. "Well, um, we haven't really discussed that..." I started.

"Dan! I was talking about YOURS!"

[What the f--k did he think I was going to say? First he wants me to talk, then when I DO talk, it's not what he wants to hear. The fuck?]

"Yes, I know, I was talking about me," I said. "I meant...we haven't discussed my orientation." [I've made sure of that, haven't I?] "It's still kind of up in the air."

"Oh, I see."

"I mean...it's not like I suddenly like guys. I don't. It's just..."

"Meeting on the internet has given you the chance to get to love him because you could see his personality first, is that it?"

"Yeah, and this never would have happened if we'd met first in real life."

"Oh, REALLY?" Eyebrows high. "Care to elaborate?"

Elaborate on what, exactly? I said it fairly plainly, I thought. "Well, it's like you said...about getting to know him...as a person first."

"As a human being rather than just...a man? Not to overlook or ignore that he is a man, but if you see what I'm saying..."

"Yeah."

"Well, that's very...interesting. So you could be dealing with the whole issue of looking at how to physically love someone who is male, and that sort of thing. I've seen this before, where you're dealing with this whole issue of...well, I just fell in love with a man and...I'm a man, but...I don't feel gay."

"Yeah." [Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like a doll sometimes, programmed to bob my head when he addresses me.]

"Now, are you planning to meet, then?"

"It's kinda tentatively scheduled for June."

"You could be running into some problems, then...having only known him as a personality on the Internet."

I was a little confused. "Oh, do you mean...being confronted with the physical reality of him as a male...or something?"

"Well, that, but - well, have you exchanged pictures?"

"I have his. Uh...I haven't sent him any. Problem is, I don't think I HAVE a picture of myself that is younger than two years old."

"Oh, REALLY? I want to hear about THAT in more detail. Put that in your autobiography, will you? No, but what I really meant is what we psychologists refer to as, 'cognitive dissonance."

"Whazzat?"

"Basically, it's the difference between what you THINK you know about someone...and what you find out about them when you meet them. It can be very strong with these sorts of relationships, and you should watch for that."

I can't remember much after that. We talked about about Frank and Ann Marie and I keeping good communication and blah blah.

*sigh*

A little much for one day. Was intense.

Should start on that autobio.

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[emptygirl.livejournal.com]

The same goes for me... I hadn't been on in a while and it seems I missed so much.
*hugs back to ya*
:)