beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (FUCK.)
I started to get that tell-tale cramping pain in my chest an hour ago...

But on the RIGHT side this time. Oh, lord.

It got so intense that I laid down on the floor wrapped around a bunched-up afghan, hoping that if I stayed scrunched, my lung wouldn't pop. It hurt so badly to breathe that I ended up gasping in these little high-pitched pants, and my cats all ended up in an anxious semi-circle around my head again, Pidwidgeon (our new[ish] kitten - er, more on her later) intently standing guard over my asthma inhalers when I'd managed to get them out of my bag. It would have been cuter if I wasn't in so much pain.

(I took 'em both. Don't know if it did any good, but I'm a bit recovered now. It still hurts to breathe, though.)

I'm scared, but not scared enough to wake Mom up. Especially now that it's died down. But I'm not sure if I can go to bed, because what'll happen when I lie down again?


Edit: Ooh, if I move too much, I get this weird, ooky feeling. Like something rippling under my skin. I was thinking at first that was muscle, but now I'm wondering if it's air in a body cavity? Is that possible, if it's escaped my lungs?

Either way, FUCK. It hurts, too.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([DW] Asexual. Really!)
A question for you guys:

Is there really any food or substance which (in your personal experience) ACTUALLY works as an aphrodisiac?

I know there's a lot of mythology out there (oysters and so on), but does anything really, truly increase libido?

(Other than any drug that's actually meant to, like Viagra. Viagra might not actually be officially considered an aphrodisiac, but considering some of the second-hand accounts I've heard of its effects on people, I think it might as well be one.)

I'm just wondering if there's something I'm doing or eating differently lately that I could STOP doing or eating.

I am taking more Dexedrine for school, but since I'm ingesting it orally, I would think that it wouldn't have the same effects as amphetamines taken recreationally. (Besides, I'm pretty sure that's just meth, and doesn't apply to Dex whether I was snorting it or not.) And the only thing I think I'm really eating that much more of is salad, and well.

Eggs, button mushrooms and spinach aren't aphrodisiacs, are they? I really wouldn't think so.

I have hoooomewooork! Eleven pages of how globalization is affecting the Muslim world, and a debate on the "clash of civilizations" tomorrow to prepare for - to say nothing of my geography quiz to study for, my programming readings, my film study readings, and all the math I'm behind on.

(Why yes, I did spend today in bed in agony with my shitty back! Missed my first class because I was so tired I slept in, and then when I woke up, I was physically unable to get out of bed. So I spent all day in bed with a heating pad, and finally made it up and loosened up with heat patches. FTL.

Which leaves me even more to catch up on. Sigh.)

And this is very distracting on a day-to-day basis. How do you some of you people cope?!

Edit: Apparently there's a keyboard shortcut for "post." Wish I knew what THAT was so I could avoid it.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (RSI - wrist)
Quite unexpectedly, I had a Who-related dream last night. (I say, "unexpectedly," because I NEVER dream about anything fannish.) But me being me and very was a meta-ish dream about Who FANDOM:

I dreamt that the screencapped moment I posted about last turned out to be played much more seriously than anyone expected. (Har-har brain - nice wishful thinking!) And Who fandom EXPLODED in wank. And when I went to view [ profile] doctorwho, someone had posted big spoilers on the comm's front page because they were so caught up in complaining about how that moment was played.

And in my dream, I worked out the time zone difference, realized that if the ep had already aired in the U.K., then it was past noon here, and then -

- I SNAPPED AWAKE in pure panic because I thought I had overslept. Half an hour before my alarm was actually set to go off.

Yeah. As Who-related dreams go, it's certainly not what I would have hoped for. Stupid literal brain of mine! (I can't actually dream about the Doctor, Donna, or the Whoniverse - it's Not Real, see.)

But I least I got up on time? Meh.

Also, my wrists hurt. It's not as bad as it could be, and I know this is my own fault because I've been online too much and sleeping too little, but, well... I'm feeling melancholy, and I just don't want to be in pain today. I've been in pain all week already for other reasons, and I've been sick to my stomach from painkillers for two days. So I just don't need this.

My day's barely started, and I think I'm already running low on spoons, to borrow a phrase. *sighs*
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (alone in this)
So I had quite the fun day yesterday.

I got assaulted! Wheeee! )

After THAT, Boss Lady invited me out to a movie with her and her daughter (who also works at the store) after work. (She felt very guilty, I think.) I was very reluctant to agree to go, since I felt like I was going to fall down and fall unconscious (if not necessarily faint) much of the morning, and I figured I'd just want to go home and go to sleep. Or possibly the hospital.

But I got my second wind, and BOY am I glad I went to this movie. We saw Stardust and it was UNBELIEVABLY COOL. If you get a chance to see it, DO SO.

And my boss also bought me a HUUUGE bag of popcorn and a HUUUGE orange pop, which I think was also partially thanks because we had our busiest Sunday EVER that day, and Boss's Daughter and I made $867 worth of food at lunch hour on rail. Yay.

So that was a GREAT end to a day that started off really shitty.

I don't have much of a bruise yet - just a few broken capillaries visible - but Mom warned me that ribs DO bruise nicely, so I should have a technicolor dreamcoat eventually. And holy crap were my ribs ever sore last night. I went to sleep with the heating pad, which I think helped...but it still hurts to cough or sneeze. Not great when you have asthma and allergies.

And the bleeding on my thumb...I was trying to decide if I should try to pop it or what, but it's draining now, so I won't. (Draining where, I wonder? Something to look up!)

Exciting BRUISE UPDATES to follow! I hope it's pretty big and detailed, you guys. That would be awesome.

(Also, an exclamation point randomly appeared in the subject heading as I was typing. I have no idea why, but I figured I'd leave it.)
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (black lung)
I can't find my corticosteroid inhaler! I don't know how I misplaced a red controller inhaler, but I did.

I've been sleeping on the couch the past few nights due to the aforementioned bug in my room (yes, I know I'm a wimp, shut up), and all my various medications are in my room. Not such a big deal with things like my Dexedrine, my Claritin and stuff like Advil and Tums (if I need them), because I have some of that in my backpack. My controller inhaler though, I don't carry on me. Why would I? I only take it in the mornings.

(Supposedly I should take it at night too, but I haven't noticed a need for the second daily dose.)

I decided not to worry about it, because my asthma hasn't been as bad this summer. Definitely a mistake. I've been waking up in the middle of the night coughing and gasping. It obviously subsides because I go back to sleep, but I think that's proof that my asthma (dormant for the latter half of my adolescence) is NOT under control anymore without the controller inhaler my doctor wants me off of so badly.

So today I went into my room to look for it, and uh. Can't find it. Greaaat. At least I have an appointment for a full physical on the 17th. If I haven't found it by then, I'll ask for a prescription. Or maybe there's even refills at the pharmacy? I should check.

In the meantime, not only is my asthma being a pain, but my left lung hurts like HELL on and off. It's done that ever since my lung first collapsed. I don't know why - I've Googled a ton, but it's hard to find information on SPs to start with, let alone long-term pain following them. I've seen other people complain about it on other boards, so I know it's not just me, but plenty of doctors have apparently INSISTED to their SP patients that chronic pain never results from a lung collapse. No reason for that to be possible, or somesuch.

And on "ask a doctor" type boards, I've seen M.D.s post to just that effect as well: It can't be what you claim it is, so you're imagining it, or it's something else entirely and you've got your body parts confused.

Helpful, huh?

So far, the few theories actual doctors have put forth seem to be:

-a collapse which has never healed for some reason (??)
-nerve damage of some sort (???)
-probably something I'm forgetting

...And Mom and I have speculated about some sort of scar tissue. I really don't know, but I DO know that steroids help a LOT with reducing the pain - my rescue inhaler does not. (Actually, I can count on the steroids to control the pain a lot faster than I can count on them to control my asthma!)

So. I hope I find my controller soon. Because, well, I just don't like my chest hurting, y'know? It slows me down at work. More importantly, I get to be incredibly nervous about having an asthma attack - which are always more severe when the only medication you're using is a rescue.

Dude. I go through this at least once an allergy season, it seems.

I need one of these!



May. 15th, 2007 02:56 pm
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (FUCK.)
Does anyone know how long it should take Tylenol 1's to KICK IN?!

2 Tylenol 1's + 1 Robaxcet = NOTHING BUT SUGAR PILLS, I SWEAR.

It's been more than an hour now. I would have expected something. Can I kill the manufacturers of this drug now? Clearly, the extra benefit of codeine is not something worth waiting for when pain treatment is time-dependent, i.e. treat me NOW or SUFFER.


Plus, I apparently have a mild fever with chills. Uh? You'd think 925mg of acetaminophen would take care of that.

Although I had to hit a conversion site to figure that out, since I don't know high temperatures in Celsius, but managed to switch the setting on my thermometer somehow. DO NOT WANT, dammit. Fucking metric. Who the hell actually measures body temperature in Celsius?!

And WHO measures their height in CENTIMETERS?


beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (FUCK.)
When I went in to work today - AFTER 1:00 pm, when I was supposed to be there - I suspect my face looked...well, nowhere near the face in my icon, actually. (Poor House...) But I looked bad for me.

It was very much my, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT? FUCKING BLOW ME face. I was stormily imagining the upcoming exchange with my boss, which would go something like:

Boss Lady: Care to explain why you're twenty minutes late?

Me: I figured it was better than not being here at all...but maybe I was wrong. *widening eyes in mock alarm* Should I leave? I can leave. *takes coat back off hook*

Instead it went something like:

Boss Lady: Omigosh, you're here! *anxious* I was just getting ready to call your house!

Me: *deflating a little* *mutters* ...I'm sorry. But I figured calling in sick at quarter to one was ruder than just trying to make the train and risking being late.

[Note: missed the train. Currently do not have a phone I want to use, as it's "no longer supported" and being replaced, and I don't know if it'll work or what.]

Boss Lady: ...You're sick? *anxious Mom voice* What's wrong?

Me: *mutters* I'm not sick. I'm bleeding. Took me five Advil and a muscle relaxant to stand up this morning.

Boss Lady: So you're okay then? *cheering up* Maggie got hers this morning, too! Must be going around. *bounces back to the kitchen*

Me: *amused* ...Every month, Diane.

Boss Lady: *grins* Take the rail with Krista?

My boss? Is very smart.

She changed my schedule without a single word. No reaming out.

And when she left, she gave me a big smile, and a cheery wave, and said, "Thank you for coming in!"

And this? Is why I haven't quit yet. She always seems to know when I've Totally Had It, and doesn't push me, even if I'm not pulling my weight that day. Maybe it's because I've pulled more than my weight in the past year - long, LONG shifts without complaint, weeks without days off - but a lot of bosses wouldn't care.

Here's hoping tomorrow sucks a lot less. Off to bed.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (hurt my shoulder)
My "To-Do" list for the start of this week is mostly completed, w00t. Soup's put away, dishes are soaking, I even cleaned out the microwave a good bit before I sat down to eat. (It's not spotless, but it needed to be cleaned, so every bit helps. I'll maybe get the rotation plate later.) Library books are renewed, a tape is in the VCR for House, my uniform is in the dryer. Whee!

Oh, and I need to feed the cats in twenty. Just remembered that. *adds*

(I figured I might try making use of lj's to-do feature, since I'm on here so much. I also have a to-do on my Google home page, but I haven't been using that because it's too simplistic. The one thing I dislike about this one is you can't cross things off. Crossing things off is the most satisfying part of to-do lists!)

For my doctor's visit tomorrow, I have to decide what to discuss, because it won't be the longest visit.

List of ongoing medical stuff )

Meh. And I have an even longer list than this, too. It feels like all I'm doing these days is existing between doctor's visits. That's no way to be going about things, but I'm not sure what else I could be doing differently.

I'm pleased, however, with my increased ability to get the smaller stuff done these days. I have some bigger projects I need to start planning to approach.

Ho hum.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (life is a puzzle)
This is a continuation of my last post, which was just some lengthy backstory about an episode of pelvic ouchiness I experienced some years back.

I meant to write up this stupid second part days and days ago, but of course it didn't happen. I had half of it done and sitting around on my computer unfinished, and then I was always either too busy or too tired.

I feel like whatever was driving me to write this down has run out of steam, but I suppose I should finish it anyway.

Because I think someday I will actually want to remember all these pointless details - plenty of TMI follows )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (shoes)
I've had a personal health/body issue on my mind for a few days now, and I keep feeling drawn to getting it down in some format - on paper, on Livejournal, whatever. It concerns a subject I really haven't written much about in my lj before...or, in fact, in any journal I've ever had.

I don't think most FtMs like to say much of anything about menstruation. In actual fact, I'm not particularly shy about it, or bothered by the mere fact that I experience it. (Although it is annoying, and occasionally a challenge when you use men's washrooms.) But I don't at all like calling any attention to it.

It's long been a habit of mine to mostly avoid even mentioning anything exclusively pertinent to being born with a female body; somehow, I believe it'll be easier for other people to think of me as male if I simply play Let's Pretend (I Was Born With A Penis); the reality is that the people who can already mentally juggle the fact that I'm male with the fact that I have a female body are not ever the ones who are fazed by mention of my anatomy or what it does.

So this is the start of what's been on my mind; it's the background story, basically. Probably not deeply interesting to anyone but me. I was going to tap out an outline of what happened, and instead THIS came out, and I realized this story is something I need to get out in some level of detail, or it'll continue to pull on my ear. So.

Further proof that some careless child somewhere has a doll that looks like me )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (say what?)
Okay, I realize I've been away from Livejournal from an exceedingly long time. I never meant to be; but then, I'm sure that if I sat down and CHOSE, for my own good, to take a several-week hiatus from posting and reading my friends list, I would never stick to it. But I've been feeling sort of...dysthymic, I guess, detached and run down and sad. I don't know if that's just subconscious worrying about my various health concerns, or lasting fallout from the burnout I went through last year. Or both! Meh.

I don't know if it really HELPED to be away from the computer so much. I've had a fair bit on my mind, but I haven't been writing it down because my home computer setup makes my wrist/arm pain flare badly. I considered just writing a little bit at a time in private entries, and posting them when they were complete, but events and shifts in your life always progress so fast that by the time I had an entry half-done, it was terribly out of date. Oh, well.

But now I'm back in school and finally have access to my laptop again (which was in for virus-related repairs), and I don't seem to have as much trouble with pain with my laptop. So I'll see if getting stuff off my chest in this format again helps or not.

I woke up this morning to the radio DJs discussing the weather in Nevada. Yup, the cold snap down there is even news up here! One of them - the guy on the station I set my alarm to, I don't even know his name after four years of wake-up chatter - commented that a friend of his is currently visiting Las Vegas, where the temperature is currently -1°C. And then, he added, the projected high for the day is 9°C.

"Nine," he said. "NINE. Can you believe it? My friend said she was walking down the street outside yesterday, and it was 'nice and brisk.' But that's just wrong. It's not supposed to be brisk in Nevada."

I found this weather site for the state of Nevada, which hasn't gone higher for the Las Vegas area than 3°C in the time I've been watching. WILD.

Also, check out this state map for weather warnings - Nevada actually doesn't have any, but sections of California have "winter weather advisory"s on 'em, and then there's "freeze warning"s.

(What in fresh hell is a "freeze warning"?! Is that a warning that the temperature is below zero? *amused*)

My mom was telling me yesterday about her American friends complaining about the weather where they are, and while she teased them a tad, she told me we shouldn't dismiss their cold concerns - their houses further south, she told me, are not built like ours are to withstand the cold. (And of course, I'm sure people in Nevada lack proper clothing for the weather they're experiencing.) All Canadian snickering aside, I feel for the poor cold people in the normally hot states.

Huddle for warmth, y'all, no weather lasts forever! *sends 'em all virtual hot chocolate and mittens*

...In the meantime, it's surprisingly warm up here, despite the fact that it's snowing - around minus five.

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (*stress*)
If I don't post for a while (oh god, how many of my posts start like this?!), it's because I am having trouble typing. Heck...trouble using a computer. (Edit: Not like you can tell from the length of this entry. *eyerolls*)

The whole cut-my-finger-on-a-drink-lid thing? Where I got some hand-wrist hurtie like some sort of RSI?

Yeah, still have that. But it's gotten worse, and isn't leaving. It hurts from my armpits and shoulders down to my fingers on my right side. (And now, if I still have armpit pain from the ultrasound, I can't tell it apart anymore...if it IS apart. The timing is so close together, god knows what's going wrong now.)

First I bought an elastic wrist support when it hurt too much to let my wrist move freely. (And I was dropping people's food, which is generally considered to be a bad idea.) And then a brace, when it hurt too much to let my wrist move at all. And then a bigger, stiffer brace, because the smaller one didn't come far enough down my arm to cover all the main pain points. (Although the small one I can actually put on at work. Gloves even JUST fit over it, although I'm sure it's a comedy act to watch me try to roll burritos with it on.)

How do genuinely disabled people DO this? After one day of endless repetitions of, "What did you DO to yourself?" and disapproving/amazed looks at the brace, I was ready to CHOKE someone.

As I told my mother, the next person who asks me that gets told, "The batteries were dead."

So yeah...

Work yesterday was fun )

That's pretty much what's going on. I'm typing a lot by holding pens in my hands, and pressing the keys with them. And scrolling and whatnot as much as possible with "page up" and "page down," although for more precise scrolling I HAVE to use a mouse...I've got our rubber bottle-opener pad with me, and if I brush the scroll button with it, I don't have to move my hands much.

...This keeps up though, and I'll be pushing keys with my NOSE.

Things that do not seem to help significantly:

-ice packs (maybe just because I can't feel it, it seems better, but the second my wrist warms up, it's as bad as before)
-Advil Liqui-Gels (I almost took the daily maximum yesterday, with no notable change)
-my asthma meds, which are corticosteroids (I had to take them anyway, I wasn't abusing them, but I DID watch for a change and saw none)

...And bracing basically only seems to help because movement hurts, and there's not much movement in a brace. Other than that...nothing's worked.

*sigh* Good thing I have a doc appointment tomorrow for the ultrasound report.

I think maybe I'll go try treating this with alcohol. You know, like vodka or something. Lots of vodka.

Before I go, though! I want to throw out a big e-shoutout to the asshole who BODYCHECKED me on the obviously-braced side so that he could beat me to the last seat on the C-train on the shaded side.

GO FUCK YOURSELF, ASSHOLE. I hope some little old lady "accidentally" hits you in the groin with her cane.

...I would also like to report that I can use a can-opener backwards, and I have new respect for the left-handed. Fear my skillz.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (*stress*)
Okay, I generally don't want to complain overly much about when I feel crappy or am in pain. (Although I think that I probably do so more on lj than anywhere else... Lord, this is the third or fourth post in a row on health issues. ENOUGH ALREADY! I need something else to talk about.)

I don't know if it sounds silly or ablist to say so, but often, if I'm having a crappy day, I'll weigh that against my mental benchmark of serious disability or chronic pain (not that the two are at all mutually exclusive), and generally come out of that train of thought feeling fairly well-off. I'm not (I don't think) trying to romanticize disability/chronic pain or anything, I just figure it seems rather petty to bitch when it could be much more painful. Tired? Well, stop complaining, it could be Chronic Fatigue! And then I just feel silly with myself, and try to drop the pity party.

Today though, pretty much everything went wrong at once )

All in all today...I just wanted to GO. HOME.

I was scheduled to close the store today, but since we really only needed three people and there was four of us - me, fellow cashier Shay, Ben in the back and Kevin, supervisor and rail boy - Kevin figured I could leave early. Great! Wonderful!

Except that he ended up sending Shay early instead. Why? Because she had dumbass friends come by and stand in front of the till loudly making "inappropriate sexual comments" (his words, I don't know exactly what he means), and since she wouldn't get rid of them when he asked, and HE didn't have the balls to tell them to fuck off, he sent her home early to get rid of them.


beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
Ugh. I got up super-super early to go to an ortho appointment,and what happens?


There's no way I can lie upside-down in one of those chairs. Just lying on my back makes me struggle for air. I know from that nasty experience with the actor's Movement instructor in Stage Management that lying on my back with my feet up against a wall makes my lung 10 times worse, so I can't imagine what lying upside down would do.

Back to bed. le sigh.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (bean)
Friday (gee, was that yesterday?) I went in to see a respiratory specialist. Fun. We got X-rays done, because I told him that my lung had collapsed again for the third time that morning. I had to get off the bus by the side of the road, because I was sure I was going to puke from the pain. I'm just lucky the next one was only another ten minutes, and I wasn't late for Stage Management.

(Mom told me I should have stayed on the bus and rode to the Foothills hospital. My friends say I should have told the driver to get an ambulance. I didn't do any of that because I thought it would be rude to blow chunks on the bus. That's just me.)

Some stupid self-pity )

Anyway, guess what this specialist told me? That theatre is going to kill me.

Yeah, THEATRE, only the one thing I've been working in/for since I was 12. Fuuuck, I tell you that every time I think I've got a handle on things, they get worse. Ugh.

Basically, he said that I can't work in construction, or paint, or anything that might be too exciting, but I knew that. Too damn bad, I LIKE paint crew. He told me that I need a new mask, because the rubber SWAT-team thing I have now will never fit my fine features. (I so LOVE to hear about my fine features. [/sarcasm]) I can't fly in an airplane. I can't leave the city. I can't lift heavy things... (Yeah, right. Like I'll get a choice.)

And I have to rest 3-4 days EVERY FUCKING TIME my lung collapses, or I will make the condition life-threatening. (I thought it was already?!?!?)

Who the FUCK is he kidding? Who can rest for 3-4 days at a time?!? That's insane. Especially in theatre. I can't rest 3-4 bloody MINUTES, nobody can. We had a time-management woman in to talk to us in Stage Management, and she ended up telling us that...she had no idea how we managed our time, because we have none. She couldn't help us.

Oh, yeah, he says, you can't have a life while your lungs act like this. But I might grow out of it. And if it goes on for too long (6 months) we can try surgery. Which might not work.

So I had a long talk with some profs today about "making a decision" about my life. And what I want to do with a theatre career.

What I want is a different body. One that works properly. Bonus if it's not allergic to everything. And XY this time. Jesus.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (tie)
*pokes last entry, which seems to be dead*

I'm wondering if I should delete that...

Today is starting to suck. My lung collapsed again yesterday morning, and it really hurts right now. I'm wondering if I should tell my profs.

I've been thinking about the driver's lessons my mom wants me to take this month. We're alredy into production, and we have three weeks. It doesn't look like driving is going to happen. Graduated licences will go through, and it'll be another two years before I can even start getting my license.



beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)

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