beandelphiki

(Minor edits for clarity)

I wrote this last night before leaving the school building (I was waiting for mom to pick me up, since I had become more and more sick until I couldn't see straight), but I didn't have time to spellcheck, so I just saved it privately. I was in ROUGH shape last night; shivering a lot (I get cold easily lately), and I ended up sitting up until 2 am by the toilet bowl in case I vomited, then went to bed with a plastic bowl by my side in case I woke up suddenly to puke.

I'm better today, but I SO wish I didn't have to go to work tonight. I should though, since they probably don't have enough people on, and I only woke up at one in the afternoon - really not enough time to warn my boss. And I've called in sick to work so many times the past several weeks, I think she'd flip if I called in again. If I stayed home, I wouldn't do anything useful anyway - just hold my head together with my hands and stare at lj. I've been doing a lot of that, lately.

I've gone into the school a couple of times to try and work, but it hasn't been helpful. I was there yesterday, and Richard P. actually walked past where I was working. It was one of those moments of shock, where I just sat there until he was long gone, and then thought, "Dummy! WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH HIM?!"

I have no idea if he saw me or not. I'm going to go in tomorrow, and email him, see if he's in.

So...I'm not graduating, and I basically haven't been to school since March, and I contacted Mike D. like, a couple of weeks ago to say that I was having a lot of trouble with email (problems accessing school email, and getting my home email open - it keeps asking me for a password?), and was out for medical reasons, basically, and yeah...Richard P. was supposed to email me because he apparently is supposed to tell me what to do regarding my involvement in the program. But he hasn't. I need to email him.

When I was nearly comatose, I had a good reason not to be emailing people, but now it's way out of hand, and I don't have the best excuse, even with my email practically never working properly. I just thought I should catch up some stuff, so I could say I had it when I emailed, attach it, even.

It's always the game where I'm trying to catch my own tail. And this time, I'm not going to. I seriously wonder if they consider me a mysterious drop-out, not worth following up on.

I keep trying to do assigments that are weeks old; I get nowhere on them. What's the point? I'm going to pass practically...nothing. I stay up all night to work on them, and don't - I just sit there staring at the screen and wishing I could stop feeling my body from the eyebrows down. I'm sick, and not making myself better whatsoever. Seriously, I am still hacking fit to fucking puke. I haven't actually felt normal since the first week of MARCH. I don't care about anything right now. My mother thinks I am fairly well caught up. She actually doesn't seem to really realize the extent to which I have flunked out this semester, although I've warned her that I may very well have to repeat the WHOLE damn thing, not just one or two classes.

I lost 17 pounds or so this past month.

I used to weigh about 135, I think - a number that I actually couldn't face on the scale. And yeah, I KNOW that's not that big, and everything...nobody needs to tell me. But I didn't like it, okay? I got on the scale in my mother's bedroom fully dressed one day, and the scale was swinging close to 140. I jumped off in horror, pretending I hadn't seen it. I didn't get back on for a while.

I'm not one of those trans guys who either gained or starved to hide his body, but I was starting to get it.

And then, you know...I've been sick. I don't know how much I've written about it. A chest cold for a week. Withdrawal. A long, long week of tiredness - guess that was still withdrawal, it went away when I got my refill, plus a return of the chest cold in there, which seemed to go away again. Then wired, unable to eat. My poor immune system! I got sick again. When am I going to be NOT sick? Seems like my body is trying to exorcise itself via my throat.

I got on the scale the other day, and the needle was wobbling between 119 and 120. I blinked, shook my head, got off to double-check that the scale was accurate. It wasn't - it was a pound over.

I got back on. 119. Actually 118, minus the added pound.

I actually took some pictures in my mom's full-length mirror, just for the hell of it. I noted to mom that I weigh now what I did in high school. Mom said it's not okay; she said people "fill out" after high school, and your high school weight is probably too low.

My pants don't stay on my butt now if I step on the hem. Literally, I can easily pull them off without undoing anything. I can't find my belts, though.

The past few days, I've been dizzy and feel ready to be sick really frequently. I laid down on the floor in the bathroom in the Recovery Position a few nights ago in case I did both at the same time. Weird, I got sick during House, which my sister was watching. How's that for timing?

Mom says it's because I've lost too much weight too fast, and need to eat a little bit every few hours because my blood sugar is probably all out of whack. So I've been trying to, but it feels worse to eat, honestly. I think I make myself sick either way. Like my body is rebelling either way. I feel like there's some goblin sitting in my chest, using my lungs to breathe, and grabbing my throat between sweaty hands and twisting.

I still weigh 118, though.

/last night

Oh damn, I think I might be getting an ear infection, too. Because, you know, my ear hurts. I need to go take decongestants and shit, that should help.

One upshot: I've been posting more. HAH.

I don't even know which courses I still have classes in.