"ADD Symptoms" or "The post that was 2 hours in the making"

[beandelphiki]

More about ADD. Since I've been mentally nattering at myself non-stop about this topic for the past few days, I have this feeling everyone must want to shoot me, but in reality, I haven't said much here except for the last couple of posts on the topic, and those were days ago.


Anyway. Since I stumbled across that "paralysis of the will" page, I have not been able to get the idea out of my head. For a couple of days, I felt like a dog with a bone, but I figured I knew how to solve that: I would actually do research on it. With books, with detail, instead of the rather vague and scanty information on websites.

I don't usually bother with books these days, because I know I probably won't read them straight through, and I might forget to read them at all. But in this case, I figured it was important I read something, just to get the stupid idea out of my head. I figured once I knew more about ADD in detail, I would easily be able to see why it doesn't apply to me. So I went and got Driven to Distraction, and a more generically titled book out of the library. (I also poked through YOU MEAN I'M NOT LAZY, STUPID OR CRAZY?! when I went to school today.)

Rather than finding I didn't fit any of the criteria once I got into the nitty-gritty, I instead discovered more and more of the mysteries - big and small - in my life held up to the light of a possible explanation: mild ADD, Inattentive (Non-Hyperactive) Type.

So today when I got home, I spent a long time making this list. Most of it is off the top of my head, but I checked Driven to Distraction a few times for reminders. I'm sure I'm still forgetting things, but this is most of what I can think of. (And I hate the phrase "paralysis of the will," so I've simply started calling it "procrastination on steroids.") It's all in this annoying and frequently awkward passive voice, and god knows the subject/verb agreement is probably off in many...but I found it easier (emotionally) to write it that way.

The List - ADD signs & symptoms

· "Procrastination on steroids" - huge struggle to get started on school projects, everyday homework, housework (cleaning bedroom), etc.

· Struggles to finish the details of projects/homework/cleaning job, etc. once main body of work is done.

· Struggles to work steadily on p/h/c. Frequently sidetracked, even moment-to-moment. (i.e. is distracted only seconds after deciding to "buckle down.")

· Frequently lets long amounts of unproductive time go by without realizing it --> has no real sense of the passage of time --> must check watch/clock constantly to keep track of time passing

· Extremely forgetful - forgets all intentions to do chores, start homework, go out somewhere, go to a party already RSVP-ed to, call someone back, complete one task - even preparing food, eating, getting clothes from the laundry to wear, etc.

· Forgets even very important things like crucial deadlines, or initiating a job search.

· "Tunes out" while reading - textbooks, novels, even some magazine articles that require fair amounts of attention. (i.e. Scientific American.) Must read and re-read sentences, paragraphs, or pages, depending.

· Unable to finish most books. Often can't read magazine articles in "one go," but must keep returning to them. Reads in non-linear fashion, impulsively skipping around. Books must be extremely interesting to read in a linear way, and completely. (This is rare.)

· Often falls asleep after reading, or gets drowsy while trying to read.

· Sometimes switches words around in a sentence while speaking, switches phrases, puts words together, generally mangles sentence structure.

· Sometimes switches letters in words while writing by hand, or switches words in a way that don't make sense.

· Snaps/snarls involuntarily at interruptions when working or lost in thought. (i.e. doesn't mean to do it.) OR reacts to interruptions very slowly OR doesn't hear interruptions at all.

· Frustrates easily - occasionally explodes in rage. (Away from home, sometimes attacks walls or furniture.)

· Called "lazy" "irresponsible" "a ding-a-ling", etc.

· "Why can't you grow up?" "Why are you so self-centered?" "Why can't you just get your act together?" "What the hell is your problem?"

· Has gathered collections of day-timers and calenders in the past, but never managed to use them for more than a few weeks. Also, bought whiteboard to organize with - with the same sort of results.

· Gets nothing from "time management" classes.

· Does nearly everything at the last minute - only panic is a strong enough motivator to get to work on most things.

· Frequently failed in the past to meet deadlines; handed in projects late or incomplete.

· Can't "follow through" on an area of interest, is a "quitter." (Ex: decided to "get serious" about writing poetry - never completed a poem and then forgot the goal.)

· ^ --> Forgets own goals!

· Needs external structure - feels lost and anxious without routine and structure.

· "Wastes time."

· Extremely messy room.

· Extremely messy backpack.

· Has had very messy desk, locker, etc. in the past.

· Clumsy and awkward - often walks into things.

· Only prints; has always had messy cursive handwriting and gave up cursive handwriting as soon as possible. (Although printing is now usually quite neat.)

· "Tunes out" or starts to do other things, or falls asleep during lectures on many topics. Is left guessing, catching up and filling in the blanks on own time. Is pretty good at tricking people into telling what just happened/what the class was just told without letting on that own knowledge of what was just said is non-existent.

· Chronically late or in a hurry. Needs lots of extra time to get ready to go anywhere, and to get there.

· Leaves messes behind self around the house.

· Low self-esteem: feels like a fraud, belief in massive character flaws, "laziest person on earth."

· Constantly feeling guilty for not "caring" enough about friends (and father) to remember to call them, or return emails.

· Constant sense life is a "cover-up" - trying to keep other people from finding out about chronic procrastination and "pathological laziness." Many, many lies and excuses. Living from excuse to excuse sometimes.

· Constant sense life is a "catch-up" and full potential isn't being met.

· "The sky is falling" --> sense life is always on the brink of total disaster.

· Very anxious about the future, and what procrastination, lateness and laziness will mean for later schooling, employment, etc.

· Impulsive spending, don't consider long-term financial goals. (i.e. Money for college!)

· Deliberately push partners to look at "problem areas" of relationships, in order to feel some "action" in strife and upset. Otherwise, find long-term relationships somewhat "boring."

· Used to overeat a lot. (Don't anymore.) Now looks at porn, preferably something rather wild, and not "romantic" and vanilla. Can lose track of time and spend hours doing this without meaning to...but has no other symptoms of an addiction.

· Can't call friends most of the time due to lost phone numbers.

· Misplaces or loses things fairly often.

· Disruptions of routine frequently cause things to be misplaced or forgotten.

· Often forgets idea just before speaking.

· Once working, must work steadily without any breaks - breaks ruin concentration completely nine time out of ten.


Is this normal??

Anyone? If anyone thinks this is perfectly normal, please tell me. I'm so confused.


There's other things I'm not sure about. Like when I was taking that calculus course in the summer that was 3 hours every morning, and many days after I came home I would crash - sometimes without even taking my clothes off - and sleep until dinner, wake up enough to eat and pretend to do some homework, and then go back to sleep until morning. At the time, my mother and I were worried that I had some sort of strange virus, but maybe I was tired from trying to focus for 3 hours straight. (If you miss something in summer school, you're fucked.) I also remember complaining over and over all year of how tired I was. I fell asleep at the end of the school day a lot during the school year, too. Potentially significant mainly because math and science are my worst subjects, and I was taking a full load of math and science courses, and nothing else. I thought maybe I had a virus then, too.

I really don't know. I'm emotionally yo-yoing like crazy right now. After I made this list, I looked at it and said, "There it is in black and white!" And then five minutes later I was going through it, convinced I was trying to make a silly excuse for myself, and was exaggerating everything. I went to bed the other night flying high after I talked on the phone with lytheris about maybe seeing someone to help me with this, and then I woke up the next morning in a horrible depressive funk.

I've uncovered an old memory, which has turned into a nasty ghost. Many years ago, I had a friend with severe ADD - the hyperactive type. We were best friends actually, in the same class at school. Whenever I got sucked into whatever ADD-like thing he was doing, I got severely scolded. "You do NOT have ADD, so STOP acting so damn STUPID, and just focus on your own work!" Except that it was unlikely that my teacher said something like, "Stop acting so damn stupid," but boy - that's what I hear in my memory.

"You are making this up," my brain insists. "Making. This. Up. What you really are is a lazy dingbat. 'Scraping by' on the honour roll, after all! You just want to avoid doing any work! You're just looking for excuses - you're so full of excuses! If you just tried harder, you could stop procrastinating so much, make it to everything on time, and get a damn job!"

I'm scared sick I might arrange to see someone, go in and have them tell me I don't have it, that I really, truly am just a lazy bum. I made this list with a burning desire to show it to my mom (and when I see him again, my dad) and clear up old misunderstandings, but I'm afraid she'll tell me I'm just lazy, too.

I'm thinking I should give it one more shot before I show anyone in real life that list, a really serious one. I'll take study skills courses. I'll try really, really hard. And maybe if I can stop doing it, I'll know for sure that I'm just lazy and just need to keep trying.

Really, really hard this time.






I know there was more, but I forgot what it was.

Comments

[griffen.livejournal.com]

You are not lazy, stupid, or crazy. You have the classic symptoms of ADD/ADHD, and anyone who says otherwise can meet my stompy boots.

I feel for you. worldmage has ADHD that's about as severe as yours, and it does get annoying that he lapses so much, but I try to separate that out because it isn't volitional - and I know that. I hate his ADHD, but I feel for him whenever he forgets to do something or has to be motivated by panic in order to get something done. It sucks to watch it happen to someone you love.

That said, there are things that can help you. Get thee to a therapist, preferably a PsyD, so that they can diagnose you and get you some help and support. You have the right to accomodations at school and help with schoolwork, and by god, you should try to get them.

Pulling for you,

Griff

[haleth.livejournal.com]

Almost that entire list would apply to me, and the few things that wouldn't do apply to Frank. :-P Funny, never occurred to me I might have ADD. Probably because I'm not hyperactive in any way... rather slothful, actually. Hmm.

(((Dan)))

[mhw.livejournal.com]

You know, hon, I think that if you were "just a lazy bum", you wouldn't care about all this. The mere fact that you feel bad about how you are - diagnosis or no diagnosis - tells me that you could be doing with some help in getting things together. What you can do about it, I don't know, but I'm sure there'll be something. It's a serious list you have there, full of things that mess your whole life up, and like I said before I don't think that there's a therapist or counsellor worth their salt who'd say that you're "just making excuses" for yourself.

*hugs gently*

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't need accommodations at school!

It would just greatly put my mind at ease to be "officially" agreed with. And I would like, more than anything right now, to have "proof." I'm a very big "proof" person, a "bottom-line" and "show me the goods" person, it's hard to accept anything without it. And so is my dad; he'll never believe this without it.

I'm sorry it took me a bit to respond to this, as I was busy (and that's not an excuse for once!), but your comment was the first thing I saw the morning after I wrote this, and I can't tell you how grateful I am that you left it.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

Apparently there's an overlap between ADD and BPD symptoms? I haven't read anything on that, I just noticed a section on that in one of the books I have.

And as for being "slothful" - well, alphabetically, that would fit right in between "lethargic" and "sluggish" in the description of some non-hyperactive type ADDers. :P

*hugs*

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you, I was just in a real funk. I'll see someone, really.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

*nods* I understand, but just remember that you *can* get help if you have a recognized disability.

And I'm glad I helped. :)

[mhw.livejournal.com]

And I would like, more than anything right now, to have "proof." I'm a very big "proof" person, a "bottom-line" and "show me the goods" person, it's hard to accept anything without it. And so is my dad; he'll never believe this without it.

I kind of worry about saying this, but how much "proof" is ever enough? Apart from the fact that doctors diagnoses are known to vary, particularly with psychological difficulties, there's always the risk of denial. A friend of a friend knew that there was something "wrong" with her child, and she took her to a specialist, and the specialist ran tests, and - unfortunately - the diagnosis was pretty serious. The mother then proceeded to haul her child between specialists all over Europe, trying to get a less scary diagnosis. Apparently it was only when the child actually collapsed and went into a coma while being seen by yet another specialist that she was hospitalised. For what the first, and most of the other, specialists had diagnosed. Fortunately, although the child's condition had deteriorated, her life was saved.

I worry, you see, that if your father's so big on "proof", he may also be pretty big on denial - there's no chance that he'll just say "There's no way my child can have that - must be the doctor's wrong," is there?

Sorry to mention negative possibilities, but this is so important for you I want to be sure that we have all the possibilities covered.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

I see what you're saying, but I don't think my father's a cynic, most of the time, or big on denial. Just a big skeptic. But so am I! So I have no problem with that.

But he's also one of those Type-A, self-motivated types - gets up at six to run 20k (he runs marathons, and now he's breaking into biathlons and triathlons), is one of the top people on any team he's on at work, etc. He's really the picture of "making it by working hard." And he's made a real project out of being disappointed in me. :(

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Good - skepticism's fine in my book.

But as to those type A personalities: do you remember that rhyme?

Early to rise and early to bed
Makes a man healthy and wealthy - and dead.

It's hard to convince people like that that their definition of "success" isn't the only valid one, which is really a kind of insecurity. What's fine for him doesn't have to be good for you. And parents can be really bad at that - it's taken me ages to convince my parents that just because some of my life choices wouldn't suit them, that doesn't mean that they aren't perfectly good for me (and vice versa - much as I love them, I'd hate to have to be them).

Anyway, so far as I'm concerned you're definitely one-up on him. I think that you're really great already, and he has a long way to convince me of his worth.

*hugs reassuringly*