I'm back. I know, you didn't miss me.

I realize I haven't been on in days.

I've just been staying away - mostly because I don't have the time, but also because it feels like a strain on my mental health lately. I'm tired of being paranoid that everyone secretly hates me; because I can't find time to comment, because my entries suck, because I'm an irritating asshole, what have you.

Anyway. Enough of that.

I have SO much homework, there's no way I should be on here. I have to read Taming of the Shrew and basically write what could be as long as an essay on it by Monday. I need to finish a pattern for shorts for Monday, too. And I need to go shopping for fabric to make the shorts out of. (Monday again.) Yeesh. Pulling all-nighters on a weekend. How much does that suck?

Hey, siegeengine - you know your Christmas card? I gave it to my mom a while back to mail while she was out doing a bunch of stuff, and yesterday she...found it. (AAAAH!)

*holds head* All this time, I thought it was on its way...

Hopefully, we will remember to mail it tomorrow (um, technically later today, I guess) while we are out shopping.

Mom calmed me down and told me that as long as it arrives before Valentine's, it's no huge breach of etiquette. Oh, like THAT'S what I cared about.

My lungs suck, part two million

Friday (gee, was that yesterday?) I went in to see a respiratory specialist. Fun. We got X-rays done, because I told him that my lung had collapsed again for the third time that morning. I had to get off the bus by the side of the road, because I was sure I was going to puke from the pain. I'm just lucky the next one was only another ten minutes, and I wasn't late for Stage Management.

(Mom told me I should have stayed on the bus and rode to the Foothills hospital. My friends say I should have told the driver to get an ambulance. I didn't do any of that because I thought it would be rude to blow chunks on the bus. That's just me.)

( Some stupid self-pity )

Anyway, guess what this specialist told me? That theatre is going to kill me.

Yeah, THEATRE, only the one thing I've been working in/for since I was 12. Fuuuck, I tell you that every time I think I've got a handle on things, they get worse. Ugh.

Basically, he said that I can't work in construction, or paint, or anything that might be too exciting, but I knew that. Too damn bad, I LIKE paint crew. He told me that I need a new mask, because the rubber SWAT-team thing I have now will never fit my fine features. (I so LOVE to hear about my fine features. [/sarcasm]) I can't fly in an airplane. I can't leave the city. I can't lift heavy things... (Yeah, right. Like I'll get a choice.)

And I have to rest 3-4 days EVERY FUCKING TIME my lung collapses, or I will make the condition life-threatening. (I thought it was already?!?!?)

Who the FUCK is he kidding? Who can rest for 3-4 days at a time?!? That's insane. Especially in theatre. I can't rest 3-4 bloody MINUTES, nobody can. We had a time-management woman in to talk to us in Stage Management, and she ended up telling us that...she had no idea how we managed our time, because we have none. She couldn't help us.

Oh, yeah, he says, you can't have a life while your lungs act like this. But I might grow out of it. And if it goes on for too long (6 months) we can try surgery. Which might not work.

So I had a long talk with some profs today about "making a decision" about my life. And what I want to do with a theatre career.

What I want is a different body. One that works properly. Bonus if it's not allergic to everything. And XY this time. Jesus.