Thoughts on my dad
Aug. 30th, 2003 03:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beandelphikiMy dad took us out tonight to the Science Center to catch the lecture on the Mars opposition. Unfortunately it was sold out, so we're going to try again tomorrow night, and go earlier. Still, it was nice to spend a little time with my dad, which is something I never thought I'd say.
He gave us the video of the second LOTR movie. My sister was so enthusiastic over it, but I couldn't quite be. I was thinking that whenever we see my dad now, it's like he has a present for us. He's falling into the trap that divorced fathers tend to - giving gifts to make up for only seeing us twice a month.
And really, it's our fault he only sees us that much. He gave me and my sister his email and practically begged us to email him anytime - I don't think either of us have. I know I only emailed him to accept his invitation for the Mars lecture. I keep meaning to email him and tell him things, but I never remember.
Part of the reason I don't email him is because every time I see him, he wants to bug me about something - do you have a job yet? When are you getting one? When are you getting your driver's license? When are you going to take on some responsibility for yourself?
I'm so sick of being nagged by him that I'll avoid contacting him just so I don't have to face his questions.
And really, I almost like him better this way - because we see him so little, he's always on his best behaviour, so the abusive bastard I remember from not too long ago has disappeared.
But I guess I can see that my father actually hurts because he never sees us, and that is new and hurtful in a different way. For a while I was happy he'd left because things seemed so much more peaceful. And now I want to show my father that I love him, and that's very alien and frightening. I never thought I'd love him.
Or maybe it's that I really pity him now. I can't say.
My mother won't even let him in the house to see the kittens, and it almost makes me cry. I want him to hold and see the kittens before they're not kittens anymore! She always gets a flat tone of voice when we bring him up and says things like, "Well, that's nice." And much ruder things - I'll mention something Dad's said and she'll say, "I don't care what your father thinks." I hate it that I can't even talk about him around her - she can't see that's infinitely more painful than not seeing him much. She's too busy feeling put-upon and abused by his divorce to see the effect she's having on me and Nicole. She blames him for everything. Some days, I really hate her for it.
Dad: *talks about telescopes*
Me: Frank - *remembers his mother warned him not to tell Dad about Frank* er...this guy I know online was talking about getting a telescope. I told him to get a good pair of binoculars first, check out some astronomy magazines, and then consider a telescope if he's still interested in it a year from now. I told him that if he gets a telescope now, he'll probably get crap for his money, because he won't understand what to get.
Dad: Good, good! That's what you tell them. *verbal head pat - attaboy, son!*
... You know, telescopes are selling well right now.
Me: Ha!
--------------------
Dad: *looking out window* Look, I think that's Mars over there.
Nicole: Oh, cool!
Me: It's huge!
Dad: Yeah. Huge. It's probably at least 25 arcseconds across! /tease
Nicole: Arcsecond?
Dad: Well, sixty arcseconds make an...
Me: ...Arcminute...
Dad: And sixty arcminutes make a degree. To go around the whole sky then, you have 360 degrees.
Nicole: Huh?
Dad: *repeatedly explains*
Me: Geez, don't try to explain a parsec to her! *amusement*
He gave us the video of the second LOTR movie. My sister was so enthusiastic over it, but I couldn't quite be. I was thinking that whenever we see my dad now, it's like he has a present for us. He's falling into the trap that divorced fathers tend to - giving gifts to make up for only seeing us twice a month.
And really, it's our fault he only sees us that much. He gave me and my sister his email and practically begged us to email him anytime - I don't think either of us have. I know I only emailed him to accept his invitation for the Mars lecture. I keep meaning to email him and tell him things, but I never remember.
Part of the reason I don't email him is because every time I see him, he wants to bug me about something - do you have a job yet? When are you getting one? When are you getting your driver's license? When are you going to take on some responsibility for yourself?
I'm so sick of being nagged by him that I'll avoid contacting him just so I don't have to face his questions.
And really, I almost like him better this way - because we see him so little, he's always on his best behaviour, so the abusive bastard I remember from not too long ago has disappeared.
But I guess I can see that my father actually hurts because he never sees us, and that is new and hurtful in a different way. For a while I was happy he'd left because things seemed so much more peaceful. And now I want to show my father that I love him, and that's very alien and frightening. I never thought I'd love him.
Or maybe it's that I really pity him now. I can't say.
My mother won't even let him in the house to see the kittens, and it almost makes me cry. I want him to hold and see the kittens before they're not kittens anymore! She always gets a flat tone of voice when we bring him up and says things like, "Well, that's nice." And much ruder things - I'll mention something Dad's said and she'll say, "I don't care what your father thinks." I hate it that I can't even talk about him around her - she can't see that's infinitely more painful than not seeing him much. She's too busy feeling put-upon and abused by his divorce to see the effect she's having on me and Nicole. She blames him for everything. Some days, I really hate her for it.
Dad: *talks about telescopes*
Me: Frank - *remembers his mother warned him not to tell Dad about Frank* er...this guy I know online was talking about getting a telescope. I told him to get a good pair of binoculars first, check out some astronomy magazines, and then consider a telescope if he's still interested in it a year from now. I told him that if he gets a telescope now, he'll probably get crap for his money, because he won't understand what to get.
Dad: Good, good! That's what you tell them. *verbal head pat - attaboy, son!*
... You know, telescopes are selling well right now.
Me: Ha!
--------------------
Dad: *looking out window* Look, I think that's Mars over there.
Nicole: Oh, cool!
Me: It's huge!
Dad: Yeah. Huge. It's probably at least 25 arcseconds across! /tease
Nicole: Arcsecond?
Dad: Well, sixty arcseconds make an...
Me: ...Arcminute...
Dad: And sixty arcminutes make a degree. To go around the whole sky then, you have 360 degrees.
Nicole: Huh?
Dad: *repeatedly explains*
Me: Geez, don't try to explain a parsec to her! *amusement*
