Blackfolk (why's it called that, anyway?)

[beandelphiki]

In my last entry, I mentioned I'm scared of black people. Well, I feel really weird having thrown that out there without saying a few words about it, so I'm going to. Yeah, I know I'm the only one that cares.

A few months ago, absolutcalm cross-posted a debate about Affirmative Action to both debate and blackfolk. I read the threads in debate, and decided they were completely asinine, so I hopped on over to blackfolk to see if there was more intelligent discussion there.

And lo and behold, there was! There was actually some very interesting debate, and I read it all...and somewhere in there people were talking about black hair care and how it's different from white hair care. Which made me go...uh? It is? Who'da thunk it?

Which is about the point that I added blackfolk to my friends list, because I figured, okay - I don't know what these people are talking about half the time, and I know that I'm freaked out unnecessarily by blacks, so let's add this and do something about both of those things, neh?

So I added it and figured I'd join debunkingwhite at some point when I had more time to read lj (it has since been added) and then I figured that gave me leave to dust off my hands and say to myself in a self-satisfactory manner, "Well, that's that!"

D'oh!

Recently, mau_x hit the scene, and well - a lot of people don't like what he has to say but you can say one thing for him - he's gotten some people to think. (I say some people, as I figure anything more generous than that is really giving the human race too much credit. Don't know what I mean? Read debate.)

So after reading some of the arguments people have gotten into over his posts, I've realized a few unsettling things:

- I've assumed that anyone on my friends list who hasn't explicitly stated their race/ethnicity is white. (Is anyone on my friends list not white and simply never bothered to mention it? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?)

- I've never added anyone I know to be black to my friends list. "But wait!" says my brain. "I've just never found anyone interesting enough to add!" Yes, you have and you still haven't. Besides, most of the time, if I see someone with, say, an icon of a black actor or something, I avoid checking them out. Oh. Right.

- Well, I added mau_x, actually. Troll or not, he's open about the fact that he doesn't like whites, and I'm more comfortable with that.



The only thing I keep coming back to is this guy who was in our high school. This guy freaked me out completely. He was violent, he was obscene, he was a walking ball of anger. I've never seen anyone else with such a big chip on their shoulder. And there was this whole group of black kids that seemed to love him for some reason. They all hung out together and took up tables in the middle of the lunchroom. I, personally, felt danger emanating from any area they took up, and was careful to avoid them, but then - I feel danger everywhere anyway. I'm afraid to walk outside my house some days.

I think cliques look threatening, no matter who they're made up of, really.

Anyway, this guy got expelled. As the rumours go (and we all know about rumours, but we all still remember them, and they often affect our opinions), he was expelled because a girl accused him of harassing her. (This much, I'm sure, is true.) According to many who claimed witness to it, he harassed and verbally assaulted her pretty systematically for months. Calling her a slut, telling her that she was ugly, that she was worthless. There were rumours that the whole story got told to the higher-ups when she attempted suicide, but I'd be leery of believing that part.

So he was expelled. He still rode on our bus sometimes, though, and the few times I ended up on the same bus with him are etched in my brain.

The first time, I was sitting on a bench seat at the back of the bus right across from him when he laid into this one girl. I don't know what she did to provoke him (which is not to say I'm blaming her, just that I'm not sure why he picked her) but he kept it up the whole bus ride. On and on about what an ugly slut she was. By the end of the ride she was in tears. I sat frozen the whole time, sweating buckets and praying he wouldn't notice me. Not very noble, you say? No, but I shoveled my own crap.

Now this seems to have a lot more to do with his issues with women then they could possibly have to do with race, but somewhere in my brain I made that connection. Maybe there's something he said to her that I don't consciously remember (likely, although what I've forgotten might not be anything), or maybe it's more that I heard someone say he only picks on white girls and thinks they're all sluts (more likely).

The second time I was on a bus with him, he didn't pick on anyone. But he has a loud, clear speaking voice, and I overheard his conversation at the back of the bus perfectly. He was talking about racism and how when he was a kid, other kids would call him and his black friends "tar monkeys." And the rage was vibrating in his voice.

That definitely struck a cord. I started remembering all the times I'd seen little kids call other little kids racial slurs, and some far worse than "tar monkeys." Not that I haven't dwelt a bit on that one before, but it was a little bit different. A little less theoretical, maybe?

---

I mean, you take an average group of white people, stick them in a room together and ask, "So, what do you think of racism?" and the general response would be something like this:

"Wow, it's really awful."
"Yup. Well, not so much anymore. But it's still bad."
"Bad. Uh-huh."
"Bad. Yep!"
"What's on TV?"

---

That one guy certainly could not have been the only thing that's led to this whole attitude of avoidance I have. But I think it sums it up pretty neatly.

Basically, whenever I see someone black, I get this panic-y fight-or-flight reaction. I keep thinking...that this person hates me. That they'd like to beat me up, or kill me. That when they see me, they only see "white," something to hate. (Yes, I'm aware of the irony, given that I'm the one having trouble seeing beyond color.) I don't think they will beat me up/kill me/whatever - it's not that. I just think that they want to, that I'm hated on sight. And rather than fall under that gaze, I'll run away.

...

Geez, now I don't know what to say. When I started writing this post, I sort of assumed that by the time I got to the end, I would have some sort of answer for this. Like the way I assumed that joining a few internet communities was going to solve all problems. But I don't have answers.

...I don't know, really. What actions do I need to take to see something change?

Maybe my problem is I don't want an evolution of my attitudes about things in my life. I just want them to change. Concretely. Guess it doesn't work like that.

(I keep looking at this post and seeing a compromise in tone that's quite jarring.)

Off to pass out on my face now. Damn allergies kill my strength.