Nov. 26th, 2008 07:40 am
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (make it stop)
Ugh. I'm coughing my brains out right now, complete with gooey grossness.

"That's stupid," I keep informing my body. "You didn't catch a cold. Your lung collapsed. Not the same thing at all. Why are you acting like this is a cold?"

Apparently gaining a hole in your lung lets all the viruses in or something. I suppose that might make sense.

But yuck, what a pain.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (FUCK.)
I started to get that tell-tale cramping pain in my chest an hour ago...

But on the RIGHT side this time. Oh, lord.

It got so intense that I laid down on the floor wrapped around a bunched-up afghan, hoping that if I stayed scrunched, my lung wouldn't pop. It hurt so badly to breathe that I ended up gasping in these little high-pitched pants, and my cats all ended up in an anxious semi-circle around my head again, Pidwidgeon (our new[ish] kitten - er, more on her later) intently standing guard over my asthma inhalers when I'd managed to get them out of my bag. It would have been cuter if I wasn't in so much pain.

(I took 'em both. Don't know if it did any good, but I'm a bit recovered now. It still hurts to breathe, though.)

I'm scared, but not scared enough to wake Mom up. Especially now that it's died down. But I'm not sure if I can go to bed, because what'll happen when I lie down again?


Edit: Ooh, if I move too much, I get this weird, ooky feeling. Like something rippling under my skin. I was thinking at first that was muscle, but now I'm wondering if it's air in a body cavity? Is that possible, if it's escaped my lungs?

Either way, FUCK. It hurts, too.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (black lung)
I can't find my corticosteroid inhaler! I don't know how I misplaced a red controller inhaler, but I did.

I've been sleeping on the couch the past few nights due to the aforementioned bug in my room (yes, I know I'm a wimp, shut up), and all my various medications are in my room. Not such a big deal with things like my Dexedrine, my Claritin and stuff like Advil and Tums (if I need them), because I have some of that in my backpack. My controller inhaler though, I don't carry on me. Why would I? I only take it in the mornings.

(Supposedly I should take it at night too, but I haven't noticed a need for the second daily dose.)

I decided not to worry about it, because my asthma hasn't been as bad this summer. Definitely a mistake. I've been waking up in the middle of the night coughing and gasping. It obviously subsides because I go back to sleep, but I think that's proof that my asthma (dormant for the latter half of my adolescence) is NOT under control anymore without the controller inhaler my doctor wants me off of so badly.

So today I went into my room to look for it, and uh. Can't find it. Greaaat. At least I have an appointment for a full physical on the 17th. If I haven't found it by then, I'll ask for a prescription. Or maybe there's even refills at the pharmacy? I should check.

In the meantime, not only is my asthma being a pain, but my left lung hurts like HELL on and off. It's done that ever since my lung first collapsed. I don't know why - I've Googled a ton, but it's hard to find information on SPs to start with, let alone long-term pain following them. I've seen other people complain about it on other boards, so I know it's not just me, but plenty of doctors have apparently INSISTED to their SP patients that chronic pain never results from a lung collapse. No reason for that to be possible, or somesuch.

And on "ask a doctor" type boards, I've seen M.D.s post to just that effect as well: It can't be what you claim it is, so you're imagining it, or it's something else entirely and you've got your body parts confused.

Helpful, huh?

So far, the few theories actual doctors have put forth seem to be:

-a collapse which has never healed for some reason (??)
-nerve damage of some sort (???)
-probably something I'm forgetting

...And Mom and I have speculated about some sort of scar tissue. I really don't know, but I DO know that steroids help a LOT with reducing the pain - my rescue inhaler does not. (Actually, I can count on the steroids to control the pain a lot faster than I can count on them to control my asthma!)

So. I hope I find my controller soon. Because, well, I just don't like my chest hurting, y'know? It slows me down at work. More importantly, I get to be incredibly nervous about having an asthma attack - which are always more severe when the only medication you're using is a rescue.

Dude. I go through this at least once an allergy season, it seems.

I need one of these!

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (*stress*)
Okay, I generally don't want to complain overly much about when I feel crappy or am in pain. (Although I think that I probably do so more on lj than anywhere else... Lord, this is the third or fourth post in a row on health issues. ENOUGH ALREADY! I need something else to talk about.)

I don't know if it sounds silly or ablist to say so, but often, if I'm having a crappy day, I'll weigh that against my mental benchmark of serious disability or chronic pain (not that the two are at all mutually exclusive), and generally come out of that train of thought feeling fairly well-off. I'm not (I don't think) trying to romanticize disability/chronic pain or anything, I just figure it seems rather petty to bitch when it could be much more painful. Tired? Well, stop complaining, it could be Chronic Fatigue! And then I just feel silly with myself, and try to drop the pity party.

Today though, pretty much everything went wrong at once )

All in all today...I just wanted to GO. HOME.

I was scheduled to close the store today, but since we really only needed three people and there was four of us - me, fellow cashier Shay, Ben in the back and Kevin, supervisor and rail boy - Kevin figured I could leave early. Great! Wonderful!

Except that he ended up sending Shay early instead. Why? Because she had dumbass friends come by and stand in front of the till loudly making "inappropriate sexual comments" (his words, I don't know exactly what he means), and since she wouldn't get rid of them when he asked, and HE didn't have the balls to tell them to fuck off, he sent her home early to get rid of them.


beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (caffeine)
I finally changed my comments page back! It was actually really easy to do; I feel like an idiot. But I'm so annoyed that in the FAQ, there's a question like, "How do I change what my comment page looks like?" And the answer is basically, "If you're Free you can't change it, if you're Paid and using the S2 system you can." But no actual explanation of how to do it. No hint. That's excellent.

I really thought I might make it to school today, but now I'm thinking not. I have this chest infection that's at the point of coming up in chunks, as well as the most incredible stabbing head pains. Oh, and did I mention that my lungs are also acting up? My arms, chest and back are burning from lack of oxygen on TOP of being really congested. Wheeze. Waah.

I guess I'll just email assignments in, and drop stuff off...tomorrow?

Great, when I get back on Monday, I'll have three days to come up with something for the Weekly because I've been sick the ENTIRE week. *sigh*

I'm thinking if I try really super hard to get stuff done today, I may even have a - *gasp* - FREE DAY Saturday. Insane! I've been getting more stuff done lately. I'm not sure if it's the Dex, or the fact that being sick and tired - literally - makes it easier to focus on something boring, because nothing else is fun, anyway? I'm actually thinking the latter.

I'm also thinking (from what happened when I tried it) that you shouldn't take Dexedrine if you're sick. I think that might be why, even though I was taking the same amount as when I was well, I spent my supposedly-medicated hours trembling from head to toe and watching our rather LARGE computer screen wave gently in and out of my line of sight. Uh. No meds until fully healthy again!

Oh, but did I mention I lost like, eight pounds on Dexedrine the last three weeks? YES, I DID, HAHAHA. About five in one week, and then shaving off after that. I don't know, is that an okay weight loss speed? I feel okay about it, and I think it's stopped now.

I feel so incredibly HAPPY, I can see some bones again! I used to doze some mornings on my back, and rest the palm of my hand on my pelvic bone and tuck my fingers in the inside hollow. It's just one of my favourite "comfort" positions, don't know why. And then I gained a few... Not a lot, but a few. And stopped sleeping like that.

I didn't even realize it until I rolled onto my back some morning last week, and dropped my hand on my pelvic bone, and went, "Oh yeah!" *grins*

*coughhack* Okay, I should just go and try and get some homework over with. And maybe try to nap a bit. Or sit over the toilet and hope I choke something nasty up so I can get this over with. (Mom says she's had this illness too for THREE WEEKS. Oh please no.)

Something I found on a Google search today:

Caffeine increases the acidity in your gastrointestinal tract and can cause rectal itching.

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
Ugh. I got up super-super early to go to an ortho appointment,and what happens?


There's no way I can lie upside-down in one of those chairs. Just lying on my back makes me struggle for air. I know from that nasty experience with the actor's Movement instructor in Stage Management that lying on my back with my feet up against a wall makes my lung 10 times worse, so I can't imagine what lying upside down would do.

Back to bed. le sigh.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (bean)
Friday (gee, was that yesterday?) I went in to see a respiratory specialist. Fun. We got X-rays done, because I told him that my lung had collapsed again for the third time that morning. I had to get off the bus by the side of the road, because I was sure I was going to puke from the pain. I'm just lucky the next one was only another ten minutes, and I wasn't late for Stage Management.

(Mom told me I should have stayed on the bus and rode to the Foothills hospital. My friends say I should have told the driver to get an ambulance. I didn't do any of that because I thought it would be rude to blow chunks on the bus. That's just me.)

Some stupid self-pity )

Anyway, guess what this specialist told me? That theatre is going to kill me.

Yeah, THEATRE, only the one thing I've been working in/for since I was 12. Fuuuck, I tell you that every time I think I've got a handle on things, they get worse. Ugh.

Basically, he said that I can't work in construction, or paint, or anything that might be too exciting, but I knew that. Too damn bad, I LIKE paint crew. He told me that I need a new mask, because the rubber SWAT-team thing I have now will never fit my fine features. (I so LOVE to hear about my fine features. [/sarcasm]) I can't fly in an airplane. I can't leave the city. I can't lift heavy things... (Yeah, right. Like I'll get a choice.)

And I have to rest 3-4 days EVERY FUCKING TIME my lung collapses, or I will make the condition life-threatening. (I thought it was already?!?!?)

Who the FUCK is he kidding? Who can rest for 3-4 days at a time?!? That's insane. Especially in theatre. I can't rest 3-4 bloody MINUTES, nobody can. We had a time-management woman in to talk to us in Stage Management, and she ended up telling us that...she had no idea how we managed our time, because we have none. She couldn't help us.

Oh, yeah, he says, you can't have a life while your lungs act like this. But I might grow out of it. And if it goes on for too long (6 months) we can try surgery. Which might not work.

So I had a long talk with some profs today about "making a decision" about my life. And what I want to do with a theatre career.

What I want is a different body. One that works properly. Bonus if it's not allergic to everything. And XY this time. Jesus.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (tie)
*pokes last entry, which seems to be dead*

I'm wondering if I should delete that...

Today is starting to suck. My lung collapsed again yesterday morning, and it really hurts right now. I'm wondering if I should tell my profs.

I've been thinking about the driver's lessons my mom wants me to take this month. We're alredy into production, and we have three weeks. It doesn't look like driving is going to happen. Graduated licences will go through, and it'll be another two years before I can even start getting my license.

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
Wow, that last post WAS long.

Salient points: (as quoted from the last entry) I actually have no idea why my lung collapsed, but apparently it's not uncommon for that to happen for no reason. Plus, I have asthma - the doctor seemed to think that might possibly have something to do with it.

The collapse is small enough that they think it will heal on it's own, but I need to go in Monday morning for more X-rays to be sure.

And that was the first time I've ever been in the hospital, so I think I'll be remembering the beds and the beeping and the blue curtains for a long time.


Oct. 11th, 2002 05:09 pm
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Me)
Thank you so much, everyone. Kate, thank you for what your mom said, I feel better about that. :) Indeed, X-rays show that the collapse is high up, so it's unlikely my binder had ANYTHING to do with it.

This is the entry where I tell the whole story, so it might be a tad long. And rambly. And boring. Sorry. But I thought it was all kinda cool.

Last night I had to run to Emergency. Around 7:30, I started to feel a stabbing pain in the left side of my chest. After hurting for about 20 minutes, it suddenly spread in a burn across my chest and down my left arm. Very bad sign, nu?

So I went downstairs to tell my parents. I couldn't really breathe, and my mom said it sounded like what she used to get as a kid. The doctors never really figured out what it was, but they thought her lungs were seizing up.

She made me lie down, and we waited for it to pass; but instead I had to run to the sink. I puked seven times. At that point, we decided to take me to the hospital )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
They MISSED something at the hospital last night. I have to go back.

I have a collapsed lung.

I'm so scared. About everything. I hope they don't tell me I can't wear my binder anymore.

I can't be a girl at school again. I'll die.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)

if you see this, please tell our profs i wont be in for practicum.

im very sick, and i just got back from er. its 3:30, so im not going to school.

no worries,the doctor said i should be ok if i rest.


beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)

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