beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([DW] Ten & Donna - adventure!)
WHOO-HOO, I HAVE JOINED THE 21ST CENTURY! Got uTorrent downloaded (thank you Frank, very user-friendly), and seem to have gotten things going by pressing "OK" buttons a lot.

Ugh. ...16% in...HOW many minutes? Is this how bloody slow torrents download?! Fecking hell. I might be better off trying to find an avi. file on Sendspace or something. Except I'd probably have to wait a few days for that. Meh.

Oh, and apparently my father has joined the 20th century himself. He got a cell phone. Although he warns me, "I probably won't remember to turn it on much." *snort*

And I had another great day at work. The fates conspire against me or something, in ironic fashion. Since I mentioned yesterday that the Boss's Daughter doesn't need her period to be able to moan about how miserable she is (since she's sick), I got mine. And someone already went home sick today (one of our kitchen staff has a digestive disorder, it seems), so I couldn't go home. Not that it would have mattered - B.D. would likely have left before I got there today if he hadn't. Holy crap, I was in so much pain tonight. Two more days of work, and then I'm sleeping, like, 16 hours straight or something.

(Apologies for all these "and I had Wheaties for breakfast" entries lately, but I don't have much to do at the moment but sit here and type.)

Mmmm....20%. *sighs* This wouldn't be necessary if the CBC was just going to air these episodes a few weeks behind, but no. The CBC most definitely has NOT joined the 21st century.

Die, CBC, die.

Edit: Oh my god, fucking awesome episode. Notes to follow tomorrow. But now, BED.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (uncertainty - you are here)
A personal essay of sorts I wanted to record:

A lengthy history of my relationship with my sister and art )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (shoes)
I've had a personal health/body issue on my mind for a few days now, and I keep feeling drawn to getting it down in some format - on paper, on Livejournal, whatever. It concerns a subject I really haven't written much about in my lj before...or, in fact, in any journal I've ever had.

I don't think most FtMs like to say much of anything about menstruation. In actual fact, I'm not particularly shy about it, or bothered by the mere fact that I experience it. (Although it is annoying, and occasionally a challenge when you use men's washrooms.) But I don't at all like calling any attention to it.

It's long been a habit of mine to mostly avoid even mentioning anything exclusively pertinent to being born with a female body; somehow, I believe it'll be easier for other people to think of me as male if I simply play Let's Pretend (I Was Born With A Penis); the reality is that the people who can already mentally juggle the fact that I'm male with the fact that I have a female body are not ever the ones who are fazed by mention of my anatomy or what it does.

So this is the start of what's been on my mind; it's the background story, basically. Probably not deeply interesting to anyone but me. I was going to tap out an outline of what happened, and instead THIS came out, and I realized this story is something I need to get out in some level of detail, or it'll continue to pull on my ear. So.

Further proof that some careless child somewhere has a doll that looks like me )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
I don't have a lot of time or energy to go into much detail on this, but I have a diagnosis. I was going to wait until Dr. Y had written up her report and everything, but apparently there's no need, because she told me Tuesday what diagnosis she's going to put on it, and that it's unchangeable at this point:

ADHD - Predominantly Inattentive Type, Mild-Moderate Severity

She said that there's "no doubt" in her mind that this is my diagnosis, that she's completely convinced. She said this is backed up by all of the following being consistent with my presenting complaint (ADD symptoms):

-the screeners I was given from Disability Services at school
-the screeners she had me fill out
-all my self-ratings, stories and explanations in her office, which she says are "highly reflective of ADD symptoms."
-comments on school report cards (She translated some "teacher-speak" for my amusement. "Do you know what 'has a delightful sense of humour, needs to learn to display it at appropriate times' means?" "Er, no. What?" "That you were blurting things out!")
-my mother's retrospective rating of me in childhood
-[most surprisingly] my behaviour in her office

...Honestly, I thought that I had been very non-ADD in her office, but she says that I VISIBLY tuned out numerous times per session. She actually did a pretty hilarious imitation of me, saying that I'd be looking her right in the eye, she'd ask a question, and after several seconds of silence in which I simply looked at her, I'd suddenly snap to, "dear in the headlights" and say, "What? What was the question?!" "Hel-LO!"

And she opened her eyes up really wide, like I know I have a tendency to do when I'm confused. *laff*

...Which is funny, because I DO remember asking her several times to repeat herself, but in my perception, there was no time gap between her asking the question, and my asking for a repeat. She asked, but it didn't process for some reason, so I was just asking again. (Mostly as a time filler - I tend to ask people to repeat themselves so I can figure out what all those noises meant the first time.)

Anywhoo. I have it, it's official. And my father's response? She basically tossed it out the window, and said, "Your father doesn't know you very well, does he?", he doesn't.

Part of me can't WAIT to tell him my brain is broken, and there's nothing he can do about what the doctor says. Bastard.

Big shocking revelation of late - related )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
My father's retrospective rating of my ADHD symptoms )

Not for the first time, I feel like my father doesn't know who I am at all.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
ARRGH, I finally got the time to write out my last observations on my last session with Dr. Y, and THE POWER WENT OUT. Gaaah.

Okay, trying again:

Last night, my mother and I went over a "Retrospective Behaviour Checklist for Parents" together that Dr. Y gave to me to have Mom fill out. This is so she knows if my symptoms have been consistent from childhood.

When Dr. Y and I were going over a similar checklist together, we came up with 7/9 inattentive symptoms that are currently giving me grief, and 2/9 hyper/impulsive symptoms, those two being "talks excessively" and "often feels physically restless." Although it's really only the latter one that's actually a problem sometimes, because I can have a hard time sitting still enough to do work. I mostly let Dr. Y interpret the severity of my H/I symptoms, because that's not at all what I went in there for. I didn't go in trying to present myself as a hyper or impulsive adult, just an inattentive one. I never thought that I'd been anything other than an "absent-minded professor." (As my mother has called me for years.)

I did note at one point to Dr. Y that my social life as a child was utter hell - every damn kid in the school hated my guts. She asked me why that was, and I honestly couldn't tell her. I can't remember my childhood! I did say that I remember that I always seemed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and was burned for it. Her interpretation was that this was impulsivity at work, but I didn't agree. I insisted that I was only missing social cues. She was forced to agree that the picture I presented in her office was not impulsive whatsoever - that I was calm and quiet (without being timid) and answered her in a measured way.

My mother has a VERY different story to tell - warning, long as hell )

Okay, so according to her...I was actually quite impulsive. She was very certain of this, even more than she was certain I was a "space cadet" as a child. At least this clears up the mystery of why the other kids didn't like me, and why descriptions of "inattentive type" children never felt right. I didn't quite meet the diagnostic criteria for Combined type as a kid - taking my mother's "lowest" responses (safe side), I come out with 6/9 inattentive, 5/9 hyperactive-impulsive, just sub-threshold. Not being the "bouncing off the walls" kid, you know.

But this makes sense, and feels right. I feel so validated, somehow! I've been trying to come up with 71-bajillion other reasons for why I fling myself around so much when no one's watching, and why I need to excuse myself from dinner tables and so on for secretive "movement breaks." I read that the "only" inattentive types only move around because they are anxious. I've been trying, awkwardly, to make this fit my experience, but it doesn't.

Now I know! Although apparently I've outgrown and internalized my impulsivity to a large degree, something that Dr. Y and I discussed.

She's worried about my self-image )


Oct. 31st, 2002 06:44 pm
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
...Mom and Dad are fighting on the phone.

He hasn't given us enough money to pay our bills, and he's fighting giving us more, or so it sounds from this side.

Mom said she doesn't know if we can afford any part of my transition now - it costs too much to see a psychologist. I pointed out that Dr. Miles works with people - especially trans people - on a sliding scale, but I don't think she's going to make any effort to check that out. If I do it myself, I'll get in trouble. Gah.

...Now she's threatening to take him to court.


beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)

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