Uh-oh

Mar. 23rd, 2009 05:51 pm
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (not cynical - things suck)
Hahaha.

Our version of Microsoft didn't pass the WGA validation.

On the brand-new computer.


Mom is going to be so fucking pissed.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (uncertainty - you are here)
Just got my marked Globalization essay back. (On the topic, "Will there be an inexorable clash of civilizations which will lead to conflict?" Whoo-hoo. God, I can't stand the "clash" theory, or Huntington.)

I was sick at the time it was due a few weeks ago, and simply wasn't able to finish it by the 11:00 p.m. due date. It was supposed to be 5-10 pages, not including the cover page and page of references. But I had NOTHING actually completed (I even forgot my instructor's name on the cover sheet), or even spellchecked (as I discovered when I found all the little typos my instructor marked) at 11:00; I'd actually only typed up 2.5 pages. Still, I fired it off because it was that, or nothing. Even a failing mark is better than a zero, right?

Despite all this, I got it back with...

...a B+. A goddamn B+.

I was expecting a D at best. In truth, I really, honestly SHOULD have gotten an F. I didn't complete the bare minimum requirements of the assignment!

My instructor is this guy. (Someone who's read through what comes up for him on Google informed me that, "everybody hates him!") But I certainly don't doubt his intelligence, so I'm torn between feeling complimented and feeling like I got a pat on the head for my widdle first-year work. I can't complain in terms of my final mark, but I'd hate to think that I got a B+ for a half-finished paper because his expectations weren't that high to begin with.

His comments were as follows:

B+

You write really well. Your arguments and
[sic] clear and easy to follow, and your style and tone are a pleasure to read – blending the academic tone you need with eminently readable vocabulary and a truly engaging pace. I am interested to know how you would have completed your thesis had you been able to finish this paper. If you would like to finish it and resubmit, I will consider a higher grade (I don’t do this often – OK, ever – but I sense you would like to finish the paper yourself for some intellectual closure).

He hasn't said WHEN I should re-submit, which I plan to take full advantage of if I do this (I have a big assignment tonight, so there's just no way I could do it tonight). Tuesday, I might be able to do.

The biggest problem?

I really don't KNOW how I was going to finish this paper. I was running out of things to say at 2.5 pages, having lost a lot of research time while sick. Part of the reason I gave up and submitted it when I did was the sense that I was never going to be able to close my argument anyway.

He is right, though. I would like to finish it.


What to do.

Mmmmbop!

Oct. 7th, 2008 02:44 pm
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([DW] never give in and NEVER give up)
Ganked from [livejournal.com profile] griffen:

The brains of liberals work differently from the brains of conservatives.

Apparently left-wing brains, "tolerate ambiguity," better.


...Totally wild.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (sleep is good)
Got up about half an hour ago.

I just slept for...20 hours. Yes, 20 hours. Bzuh? Um, my back hurts.

I was going to have a bagel, but the bagels are moldy. So I'm having popsicles to break that 20-hour fast. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure my dreams included being abducted by aliens (no, sadly, not THAT alien...), and they were keeping me asleep/unconscious to examine me. I woke up in a little sleep bubble and didn't know where I was (but my glasses were neatly folded for me on a little shelf behind my head), and they accessed my memories of my bedroom to fool me so that when I felt around, I felt my own bed beneath my hands. They shimmered and shone like they were vessels full of light, and I couldn't look upon them, or maybe I've just read too much about Sparkledämmerung lately.

Also, my arm hurts. I think they hit a nerve taking blood.

*sluggish headshake* UGH.

WHUT.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (smarter than you)
The one area where I tend to be just a bit too oversensitive is my work.

I use the term "work" broadly, since the meaning varies depending on my circumstances. But regardless of where I'm working, or what I'm working at, I want to be the best. I want to be the fastest, the most accurate, the smartest, the one who's always one step ahead, the one who thinks of EVERYTHING. I want to be the one who appears almost magical. I want to be invaluable. I want to be the genius.

Naturally, of course, this isn't possible in the real world most of the time.

So failing the above, I want to be AT LEAST as good as everyone else. And to make up for the rest, I'm sure to put in the longest hours. If nothing else, I'll be breathing air in work space more than anyone else.

So when I pick up even the SLIGHTEST vibe that someone thinks I'm not as good an employee in some area I've worked hard to master, I get rather down. (Understand that this doesn't apply to areas that I generally don't cover/haven't been trained in, because that's silly. The kitchen, for example, is one area where I will defer to many other people, because I was never properly trained there.)

Sometimes I think I'm picking up those vibes.

I can read way too much into things sometimes )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (*chin in hand*)
And then there are some people who you wish would just...go away...but they don't.

Until they do.

Ganked from [livejournal.com profile] teratologist:

Jerry Falwell dies at age 73.


...How odd.
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
I don't have a lot of time or energy to go into much detail on this, but I have a diagnosis. I was going to wait until Dr. Y had written up her report and everything, but apparently there's no need, because she told me Tuesday what diagnosis she's going to put on it, and that it's unchangeable at this point:


ADHD - Predominantly Inattentive Type, Mild-Moderate Severity


She said that there's "no doubt" in her mind that this is my diagnosis, that she's completely convinced. She said this is backed up by all of the following being consistent with my presenting complaint (ADD symptoms):

-the screeners I was given from Disability Services at school
-the screeners she had me fill out
-all my self-ratings, stories and explanations in her office, which she says are "highly reflective of ADD symptoms."
-comments on school report cards (She translated some "teacher-speak" for my amusement. "Do you know what 'has a delightful sense of humour, needs to learn to display it at appropriate times' means?" "Er, no. What?" "That you were blurting things out!")
-my mother's retrospective rating of me in childhood
-[most surprisingly] my behaviour in her office

...Honestly, I thought that I had been very non-ADD in her office, but she says that I VISIBLY tuned out numerous times per session. She actually did a pretty hilarious imitation of me, saying that I'd be looking her right in the eye, she'd ask a question, and after several seconds of silence in which I simply looked at her, I'd suddenly snap to, "dear in the headlights" and say, "What? What was the question?!" "Hel-LO!"

And she opened her eyes up really wide, like I know I have a tendency to do when I'm confused. *laff*

...Which is funny, because I DO remember asking her several times to repeat herself, but in my perception, there was no time gap between her asking the question, and my asking for a repeat. She asked, but it didn't process for some reason, so I was just asking again. (Mostly as a time filler - I tend to ask people to repeat themselves so I can figure out what all those noises meant the first time.)

Anywhoo. I have it, it's official. And my father's response? She basically tossed it out the window, and said, "Your father doesn't know you very well, does he?" No...no, he doesn't.

Part of me can't WAIT to tell him my brain is broken, and there's nothing he can do about what the doctor says. Bastard.


Big shocking revelation of late - related )
beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
ARRGH, I finally got the time to write out my last observations on my last session with Dr. Y, and THE POWER WENT OUT. Gaaah.

Okay, trying again:

Last night, my mother and I went over a "Retrospective Behaviour Checklist for Parents" together that Dr. Y gave to me to have Mom fill out. This is so she knows if my symptoms have been consistent from childhood.

When Dr. Y and I were going over a similar checklist together, we came up with 7/9 inattentive symptoms that are currently giving me grief, and 2/9 hyper/impulsive symptoms, those two being "talks excessively" and "often feels physically restless." Although it's really only the latter one that's actually a problem sometimes, because I can have a hard time sitting still enough to do work. I mostly let Dr. Y interpret the severity of my H/I symptoms, because that's not at all what I went in there for. I didn't go in trying to present myself as a hyper or impulsive adult, just an inattentive one. I never thought that I'd been anything other than an "absent-minded professor." (As my mother has called me for years.)

I did note at one point to Dr. Y that my social life as a child was utter hell - every damn kid in the school hated my guts. She asked me why that was, and I honestly couldn't tell her. I can't remember my childhood! I did say that I remember that I always seemed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and was burned for it. Her interpretation was that this was impulsivity at work, but I didn't agree. I insisted that I was only missing social cues. She was forced to agree that the picture I presented in her office was not impulsive whatsoever - that I was calm and quiet (without being timid) and answered her in a measured way.

My mother has a VERY different story to tell - warning, long as hell )

Okay, so according to her...I was actually quite impulsive. She was very certain of this, even more than she was certain I was a "space cadet" as a child. At least this clears up the mystery of why the other kids didn't like me, and why descriptions of "inattentive type" children never felt right. I didn't quite meet the diagnostic criteria for Combined type as a kid - taking my mother's "lowest" responses (safe side), I come out with 6/9 inattentive, 5/9 hyperactive-impulsive, just sub-threshold. Not being the "bouncing off the walls" kid, you know.

But this makes sense, and feels right. I feel so validated, somehow! I've been trying to come up with 71-bajillion other reasons for why I fling myself around so much when no one's watching, and why I need to excuse myself from dinner tables and so on for secretive "movement breaks." I read that the "only" inattentive types only move around because they are anxious. I've been trying, awkwardly, to make this fit my experience, but it doesn't.

Now I know! Although apparently I've outgrown and internalized my impulsivity to a large degree, something that Dr. Y and I discussed.

She's worried about my self-image )

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