beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([DW] never give in and NEVER give up)
[personal profile] beandelphiki
I struggle.

I fail. A lot.

I break promises. Say I will. Don't.

And I lie. About the failures, the promises, what I can, what I can't, where I was and what I'll be.

Somehow, I don't think of myself as a liar. My whole life is a lie, but me? I'm honest. As honest as someone can be who never tells the truth.

I'm bone-tired of it.

Don't like the failures, my broken word, all the lies and all the people I let down. I let everybody down. Every day, in some way big or small, I let someone down. Every day.

I don't have many friends. I used to have dozens of people I'd have called a friend. Dozens of people to spend time with. I don't now. People gather, and I leave.

I think it's better that way.

This would all be easier if I truly believed anything would ever change or feel less impossible. I think I could tackle each day a little better if I thought that at some point in the near future, every twenty-four hours would no longer be Everest.

Doing my laundry is exhausting, and if I could make that into a unit to measure things with, every day seems to have more loads of laundry than I could ever wash in a week.

I don't understand other people. Every day makes me want to cry, just a little.

Not because I'm sad, really. Because I'm tired. Why is life so tiring? Does it ever, ever end? Because I don't think it does.

That's the kind of thing that makes you wonder why you're still trying, then.

It's like this:

Someone once asked me on an anonymous comment meme to explain why I identify with both Dr. Gregory House and the Doctor. An understandable question, since they're so different. I meant to answer -

- I always mean to -

- but I couldn't explain why.

Last night, I thought, Look: They both run away.

And: But I want to stay.


So this is where I live:

I struggle.
From:
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
User
Account name:
Password:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
Subject:
HTML doesn't work in the subject.

Message:

 
Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.

Profile

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
beandelphiki

April 2009

S M T W T F S
   123 4
567891011
12131415 161718
19202122232425
2627282930  

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags