beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([DW] never give in and NEVER give up)
[personal profile] beandelphiki
I struggle.

I fail. A lot.

I break promises. Say I will. Don't.

And I lie. About the failures, the promises, what I can, what I can't, where I was and what I'll be.

Somehow, I don't think of myself as a liar. My whole life is a lie, but me? I'm honest. As honest as someone can be who never tells the truth.

I'm bone-tired of it.

Don't like the failures, my broken word, all the lies and all the people I let down. I let everybody down. Every day, in some way big or small, I let someone down. Every day.

I don't have many friends. I used to have dozens of people I'd have called a friend. Dozens of people to spend time with. I don't now. People gather, and I leave.

I think it's better that way.

This would all be easier if I truly believed anything would ever change or feel less impossible. I think I could tackle each day a little better if I thought that at some point in the near future, every twenty-four hours would no longer be Everest.

Doing my laundry is exhausting, and if I could make that into a unit to measure things with, every day seems to have more loads of laundry than I could ever wash in a week.

I don't understand other people. Every day makes me want to cry, just a little.

Not because I'm sad, really. Because I'm tired. Why is life so tiring? Does it ever, ever end? Because I don't think it does.

That's the kind of thing that makes you wonder why you're still trying, then.

It's like this:

Someone once asked me on an anonymous comment meme to explain why I identify with both Dr. Gregory House and the Doctor. An understandable question, since they're so different. I meant to answer -

- I always mean to -

- but I couldn't explain why.

Last night, I thought, Look: They both run away.

And: But I want to stay.


So this is where I live:

I struggle.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-06 04:40 am (UTC)
teyla: Mary Morstan from Sherlock giving a thumbs-up. (Default)
From: [personal profile] teyla
See, I identify with both those characters, too. But I don't want to stay. I like running. Because even if you're running away from something, you're also always running towards something new, no matter if you want that or not.

I like new things. They're what make life interesting, and worth sticking around for. If I stayed in one place all my life, I wouldn't have anything to live for.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-07 04:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beandelphiki.livejournal.com
That's an interesting way to think of it, but should you always run away? I'm just saying, I don't always want to run away...

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-07 07:46 pm (UTC)
teyla: Mary Morstan from Sherlock giving a thumbs-up. (Default)
From: [personal profile] teyla
I don't know, some things might be worth staying for. But generally, I think it's an either/or thing. At least it works that way for me.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-06 05:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] siegeengine.livejournal.com
man, it sounds like you are really down.
Life is tiring, yes, but it all depends. I'd say on what it depends, but I'm not entirely sure myself.

Promises can be a real bear. I kind of gave up on them years ago. The way I see it... promises in and of themselves should have a built in "give" factor. That is to say, people promise, (as long as there are no extenuating circumstances.) With the caveat being unspoken in almost all cases.

That isn't to say that everything is an extenuating circumstance, but such things have a greater or lesser impact depending on who we are and what our personal circumstances are. If we are on hard times... if we're off our meds... if we're hyper-busy... then the slightest thing can become an extenuating circumstance.

That's a confusing way to say that you should maybe give yourself a break.

What I finally ended up doing is not really promising anything, because it's practically disingenuous for me to do so. I mean, I can't promise something, because who knows if the earth isn't going to be struck by a meteor, and My car will be the one under it?

I tell people I'll do my best. I do my best, and if it happens, then great, if it doesn't then, well, these things happen. The most I ever expect of myself is not that I'll fulfill every promise every time, or that If I say it, then consider it done, but that I will do the best I can given what I have available to me at the time as far as resources, energy, supplies, motivation and ability.

And what I've found is that really... that's the way the world works.

People understand that because that's the way people, in general, operate.

I noticed, after all this thought I did, that other people did the same thing, but without the stress. They did the same thing, but without all the forethought... the anxiety and the self chastisement. That's just the way the world works.

I didn't realize it, because that wasn't how the world was for me when I was growing up. I don't know if the same applies to you, but I know that it's the same world, anyway.

As far as running away... I don't know about that, really. I'm under a lot of stress right now so I can't really figure it out so well. I wish I could help.

*hugs* and *love*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-07 05:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beandelphiki.livejournal.com
If we are on hard times... if we're off our meds... if we're hyper-busy... then the slightest thing can become an extenuating circumstance.

*NODS*

People understand that because that's the way people, in general, operate.

I noticed, after all this thought I did, that other people did the same thing, but without the stress. They did the same thing, but without all the forethought... the anxiety and the self chastisement. That's just the way the world works.


Hmm. I don't know, it seems like people understand that to a degree, but only to a certain point? Only when they can see the obstacles you're dealing with, when they're external. Otherwise it wouldn't be so difficult to convince some people that, say, depression is an obstacle.

But point taken. I'll think about it.


(Sorry I haven't been on much, by the way. Our computer monitor, having survived 8 years, finally died a slow, painful death through January. Meaning, it was shutting itself off every few seconds. Such a pain to do necessary schoolwork on! But we have a different monitor now; we got it set up a few days ago.)

*hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-08 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] siegeengine.livejournal.com
well... I'm not sure I meant that people understand as in they understand completely what you're going through. People don't really have that much empathy anymore, so they really don't.

They understand when you say, "I can't promise anything," though, or "I'll do my best," because they fill in the extenuating circumstances with what's going on in their own life. Like if you say, "well, I'll try, but I can't promise," they'll probably jump in with, "Oh! yeah! totally" and be thinking in their head about their mother in law's house that caught fire, their pet turtle that they just had to flush last week, etc. etc.. and they'll empathize using their own frustrations and obstacles, rather than yours.

It works, though. I mean, seriously, you can actually watch their faces and see them reliving moments of their lives. It's really... well.. hmm.

I'm not sure if there's a word for that, but it really is that.

sorry, I go on too much and I think I missed the main point of your post.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-06 05:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hry2007.livejournal.com
*hugs* I hear ya...

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-07 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beandelphiki.livejournal.com
Thanks. *hugs back*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-09 10:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] weird-fin.livejournal.com
Yeah it's difficult sometimes... and most of the time i'm running away, I don't really realise I am until it's too late. Which could be both bad and good I guess.

I also identify with both the Doctors at times...I find it hard to say which i'm more like in some respects even though i'm not like them at all.

I hope it gets less tiring soon. *hugs*

Profile

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." (Default)
beandelphiki

April 2009

S M T W T F S
   123 4
567891011
12131415 161718
19202122232425
2627282930  

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags