Feb. 27th, 2009

beandelphiki: Animated icon of the TARDIS from the British television show, "Doctor Who." ([DW] Ten & Donna - come on!)
Way back in, oh, November, a [radical? I think] feminist blogger on Wordpress who goes by the moniker Nine Deuce posted a series which she called, "BDSM (the sexual equivalent of being into renaissance faires)."

It's a deeply insulting series of posts. (Both to BDSM practitioners AND people into Renaissance Faires!) She basically condemns all kink with the accusation that it is merely misogyny writ large and in PVC shirts (okay, the PVC clothes ARE kind of stupid), and claims that there is NO way to eroticise power or pain which is not unhealthy and hateful towards women.

[Women, because she focuses almost entirely on M/f relationships - that is, male dominants/tops and female submissives/bottoms. This is pretty typical of "feminist deconstructions" of BDSM, because they will ALL claim that nearly all BDSM is M/f. Relationships which are F/m are generally ignored or dismissed with the notion that the men in these relationships are all taking on some sort of "feminine" role (not necessarily true, and not necessarily bad - OH NOES, a feminine male! but nevermind), and the assertion that F/m relationships are a "mirror image" of patriarchy and therefore don't need to be talked about because they're the same thing anyway. Which is the laziest critical examination ever.]

And, well, when the kinky blogosphere got a hold of it...it was derided, of course. But mostly, people were really annoyed and offended. Argument broke out in the comments between the radical feminists and the kinksters, and it has been going on ever since.

I guess you can probably tell what side I'm on. Mark my words, some of the things the kinky people have said in the comments have made me cringe at how thoughtless they were. Some of those comments, no mistake, definitely hold up some observations about sexism in the BDSM community. (But then, what community ISN'T sexist...?) There's no doubt - and you'll never hear me claim otherwise - that there isn't a lot of stuff called, "BDSM," which is deeply disturbing.

For the most part though, the comments from the radical feminists have been reactionary, extreme and devoid of any nuance. (The best part? Someone who commented to one of the posts in the series to say that she wasn't able to keep reading the comments when (emphasis mine), "the torturers started talking amongst themselves." LOLWHUT.) They have turned down all offers to discuss the matter elsewhere, to look and see the sorts of conversations kinky people have amongst themselves about EXACTLY these issues, etc. They've dug through other people's kink-related blogs to find things they find "nasty" to drag back to show off. It's ugly.

Not too many people are really trying to discuss the issue in a genuinely thoughtful way. Basically, it's just a whole lot of people shouting past each other. "How DISGUSTING. How APPALLING. What about the CHILDREN! You people make me sick! YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE NAZIS!!1" (Yes, really. It's in there somewhere. God knows where - after hundreds of comments, you lose track.)

The kinky people haven't exactly kept their cool, either (there's been a lot of, "STFU!" from the kinky side, but then - that tends to be most people's reaction, I'd think, to being told over and over you're sick and dangerous).

It's just a big mess.

So why would I comment there?

I'm not sure why I did. Maybe because I've been yearning lately to be more openly honest about some of the things I've figured out about my own sexuality. Maybe because I've had interactions with some of the kinky people in the comments in the past, and they have always struck me as good, sane, thoughtful people.

Maybe I just wanted to post and say, Look, I'm just human too. I don't feel like some of these people can look at someone kinky and genuinely see their humanity. They just see some people who are brainwashed victims, and some people who are scary and dangerous predators.

They don't see the respect kinky people have expressed for their partners, and they don't see the love.


So I outed myself.


I posted this to Nine Deuce's follow-up post, "A Question for Doms," in which she asked dominants and tops (read: sadists) what the appeal of it is. I wanted to save this here for my own records. What follows may be more than anyone EVER wanted to know about me, so click at your own risk. If you see this post and want to comment on anything ABOVE the cut without reading this, I'm totally not offended.

This may be textually NSFW )

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